Brought To Life
by unicornsrule
Summary: Bella Swan wishes she was dead. Edwards Cullen thinks he died a long time ago. But then they are brought together and life doesnt seem so bad anymore. Will they overcome their tragic pasts and meddling families to find their happy ending?
1. Chapter 1

**Prologue**

I tried to block out the sounds. Put my hands over my ears, closed my eyes to shut out the flashing lights. Tried to swallow the feeling of complete and utter panic.

Its just a dream, I chanted to myself, it's just a dream. Thing was, it felt too godamn real.

The screams were getting louder. The piercing sounds were working their way into my head. The lights were getting brighter, and I could feel it coming.

I screamed suddenly, jolting myself awake, panting in the darkness.

'Shhhh,' a voice soothed. I looked over to where Jacob sat in his chair by my bed. He smiled as if he had all the answers, 'It's ok Bella, I'm here for you.'

**Bella**

It was my third cup of coffee that morning and I was still running late. Frantically I tried to work my long brown hair into some sort of a ponytail but the more I wrestled with it the more seemed to work it's way free. It was a pain in the ass, although Jacob would never let me cut it. He was sat on the bed watching me like he always did these days, a big happy as Larry smile plastered on his face.

Must be nice not to need help in the mornings, I thought as I slung the remains of my coffee in the sink. It'd take a gallon of the stuff to get me anywhere near Jake's constant level of perkiness.

I scanned my room quickly for my shoes, trying not to take in the piles of boxes I still hadn't got round to unpacking. I could live without most of it anyway, and on the rare occasion I was home we ate takeout. My skills in the kitchen were less than par I had to admit. At least there were no complaints from Jake.

'Are you ready then?' I asked Jacob as I spied my heels exactly where I'd flung them last night in my worn out state.

'Are you?' he replied giving me one of his cheeky grins. The sight made me stop and stare, a warm fuzzy feeling engulfing me and I wished we could just skip work today.

I shook my head to clear that extremely appealing thought and nodded towards the door, 'Come on.' I mock scolded him, grabbing my keys from the table 'or I'll call in sick again.'

The traffic in Forks wasn't too bad that morning as it was unusually dry. Since moving back here four months ago I still hadn't got used to the near constant rain.

I pulled into my parking spot at the hospital and glanced at Jacob sitting next to me. The familiar uneasiness started snaking its way up my spine making my hands shake slightly as I unbuckled my seatbelt. I tried to breathe evenly and keep myself calm.

'Hey, don't worry so much Bella' Jake tried to comfort me giving me a reassuring smile. I was relieved to note it was working. 'You've done this before, it's like second nature to you. I'll be right there with you.'

I let out the shaky breath I didn't realise I was holding. Jake was right, I'd get through today like every other. Quickly I opened the door before I changed my mind.

'Isabella Swan did you dress in the dark again?' I frowned as I thoroughly took in my reflection in the lift doors for the first time that day. My beautiful cream wrap dress Alice had made me buy, had one too many wraps in it. I was surprised and slightly impressed that I could actually walk in it. I narrowed my eyes at the halo of hair wisping around my head, already making it's escape. Somehow I'd managed to perfect the look of a mummy let out of its tomb for the day.

'Shit' I muttered, beside me I heard Jacob snigger and I glared at him annoyed that he still took sides with her.

I sneaked a glance at my _so called_ best friend and took in her flawless appearance. Precision ironed crisp white shirt, tight knee length pencil skirt and high shiny black heels. The outfit coupled with her flawless complexion so fair it made her dark brown eyes stand out without the aid of mascara or eyeliner. Her perfect short black hair was spiked with purpose and not like you let a four year old do it, and I couldn't help blushing with shame.

'Not everyone dresses for work like a movie star Alice' I shot back though it was weak and halfhearted and Alice just rolled her eyes.

Grabbing my arm she yanked me out onto our floor. 'Come on lets go get us some scrubs before too many people actually see you.'

She smiled at me but I could still see the disappointment in her elfin face.

Alice is my best friend. We'd grown up together here in Forks until I was 12 and my parents decided to move to Phoenix. We'd kept in contact and spent our summers alternating between the two.

My favourite summers were coming back to Forks and living with Alice in her huge mansion of a house, even though her older brother Emmett would constantly make fun of us, laughing at our outfits and eavesdropping on our conversations. It all stopped once Emmett found himself a girl, god knows how cos I've seen the way he eats, but Rosalie his wife now, would kick his ass for being mean to us and for that we always loved her.

We would go down to La Push, find Jacob and his friends and generally cause havoc on the beaches, cliff diving, barbeques and late night campfires with ghost stories and gooey marshmallows.

Alice always pretended that she didn't like the Quileute boys with their silky black hair and smooth dark skin, but I think she secretly had a crush on Sam one of the older boys. I saw the way she snuggled into him during those lazy evenings pretending like she was just cold. I loved it there, it was so beautiful and peaceful. There was an atmosphere to the place that just appealed to me. Alice just shook her head when I tried to explain it to her, 'But Bella they smell weird' was her reply.

Still smiling at the memory of a much younger Jacob I turned out of Alice's iron grip to catch one last glimpse of him. He smiled back at me and winked conspiratorially as the doors closed and my panic subsided like it always did when Jake was around.

We reached the lockers and Alice handed me my scrubs whilst she started untangling my dress. Jolted back to reality I spun away from her 'Alice! What the…. '

'How on earth did you get this on?' she continued not stopping her attempts to free the ties I'd managed somehow to wrap round my knickers.

'Alice' I tried again whilst wrestling my dress out of her hands, 'I'm perfectly capable…' She snorted as she turned to look at me incredulously. 'oh forget it!' I snapped and flounced off towards a cubicle, dress trailing behind me.

I slammed the door angrily and flung my clothes onto the bench inside, just wishing I could at least manage this simple thing. It shouldn't be this hard still. I was a rational person, surely I could cope by now. Alice's perfect face appeared over the top of the next cubicle as frustrated tears made their escape down my flamed cheeks.

'I'm sorry' I whispered trying to stifle the sobs that were threatening their arrival.

'It's ok,' she sighed reaching a hand out to stroke my hair 'I should have known even after all these years you weren't ready for a wrap dress'

We both laughed and I smiled at her gratefully.

As far back as I can remember, Alice was obsessed with clothes. She dictated and led every single fashion trend at our schools, and as a result I was willing to bet Forks had the best dressed schoolgirls in America. I was the lucky one who was forced to go on shopping sprees and had my outfits picked out for me day to day by Alice. Unfortunately when I moved away I was left to dress myself and lets just say her innate fashion sense never rubbed off on me. It's one of Alice's biggest regrets about me leaving Forks so now she's making up for lost time.

'I'll see you outside in 10, don't forget we've got rounds' she trilled as I envisioned her tiny frame bouncing out of the door.

I emerged from the changing room I felt Jacob's presence behind me. I hated it when he snuck up on me.

'You can't be here, I've got rounds' I mumbled trying to smooth back my unruly hair into something more presentable.

'Don't you want my help?' he pouted and I turned to face him properly.

'Not unless you've studied all my patients and know what's wrong with them?'

He opened his mouth to say something but I interrupted 'Please Jake, I've got to do this on my own, I'll see you later ok?'

I winced as I heard my name being called down the hall. 'Bella?' I'd know that melodic voice anywhere. She had a habit of using it to her advantage and could literally sweet talk her way out of any given situation, and I'd seen her do it. I felt sorry for Jasper her boyfriend, she definitely wore the trousers in that relationship.

Unfortunately it meant rounds were starting and I'd better get my ass in gear. I threw Jacob an apologetic shrug and a smile as I started to back away towards her voice.

I reached Alice's side just as our resident turned up. Alice winced dramatically as she looked me up and down. I just rolled my eyes and ignored her, how the fuck do you make scrubs look glamorous?

I realised Dr Stevens was talking. He always talked like he hated us with a passion and there wasn't a godamn thing any of us could do to change his opinion. In all honesty you'd have to practically live here and constantly study text books to even register on his radar. The man was a workaholic and a complete jerk. I tried to catch up with what he was saying. God I sucked at this.

I'd started med school in Phoenix the same time Alice had started here. We had a mutual fascination of hospitals, probably since we'd grown up following Alice's Dad Dr Cullen round one. For some reason I can't fully remember, I'd always called him Dr Carlisle and he'd always called me Izzy. Just to be different I suppose. Every time I stayed over, which was a lot, Dr Carlisle would always indulge my hypochondriac tendencies. For a paper cut I would routinely get offered a course of Tetnus injections, when I blistered my hand on a cookie sheet helping Esme in the kitchen we inspected my leg for suitable skin graft material, and once when I'd hit my head on the coffee table wrestling with Emmett he'd declared me comatose and hooked me up to a heart monitor in the lounge until I'd come back to them. He didn't joke like that anymore, which I think I loved him more for.

Alice and I would routinely sneak medical books out of his library and read disgusting symptoms to each other, playing guess the disease. It was also those very books that allowed us to study the male form in much depth. Unfortunately to the detriment of poor Mike Newton who didn't meet up to Alice's exacting standards in that area. Maybe the whole school didn't have to know that his 'thing' bent the wrong way.

Now we were interns and now Dr Stevens was looking right at me.

'Miss Swan, this young lady came to us last night presenting with acute abdominal pain and nausea can you tell me how you would diagnose this patient?'

I heard Jacob whisper in my ear 'That's easy Bella, you know that' I tried to stop myself from looking at him and getting distracted. I did know this, it was on the tip of my tongue. I'd read about this a thousand times, it was like hospital 101. I could feel everyone's stare boring into me, telepathically sending me the answer even though I knew it.

I tried opening my mouth to speak. Why couldn't I speak? My heart started racing loudly and painfully, hitting against my ribcage like it wanted freedom. I could hear my own blood rushing, surging faster and faster drowning out the sounds around me. I was feeling really hot. Was it that hot in here? Why didn't they open a window? Why wasn't everyone else sweating? Starting to panic I tried to move away from the group but my legs were jammed to the floor. _I need some air _I thought desperately but I still couldn't open my mouth. It was all closing in on me. I was falling but I could do nothing to stop myself. I felt hands on me as everything started swimming in dizziness. I was really losing it.

Terror gripped me tight as I fought to regain control over my own body. I felt like screaming, surely this was what madness felt like. And then it was there, Jacob's familiar smell clinging to my senses and filling my head. I called out to him needing his closeness. I could see Alice's face full of concern. Behind her Jacob was smiling at me. 'You're gonna be ok Bella' he whispered and I surrendered to the darkness.

**Edward**

Tired of pretending to sleep I opened one eye to look at the clock. 8.03 'aw shit…' I threw back the sheet I was still tangled in and scrambled out of bed cursing the damn alarm clock for not working properly. First day and I was gonna be late, fucking brilliant. I took the quickest shower in mankind, in and out in under a minute merely showing the soap to my naked ass. Normally I never bothered with my hair, leaving it to dry however the hell it wanted, but this morning I tried my best to comb it in a pathetic attempt to look smarter. I hadn't a clue what I was doing, it looked all fucking poncy and wrong.

I dressed in the suit Carlisle had given me, wincing as I noticed the designer label. I could never afford to repay this shit but I mentally added it to the tab anyway. I'd make sure of it one way or another, and today would be a good fucking start.

I barely concealed my anger as I stalked past Emmett in the hallway.

'Good luck mate' he called out to my retreating form. I'd been here for three weeks now and I decided I liked Emmett. He was the kind of guy who took life at face value. He was a couple of years younger than me and he was a cocky son of a bitch but that's who he was, take it or leave it. And he pretty much treated everyone with the same respect.

His wife Rosalie lives here with Emmett. The place was plenty big enough. I guess you could call her beautiful but there's this coldness and hardness to her that scares the shit outta me. I tend to keep out of her way and she doesn't seem bothered by that. Rosalie is also pregnant. For reasons I didn't care to analyse, I found it hard to look at her let alone be happy for them both.

'Whatever' I mumbled back, knowing I was being an insensitive prick but not really in the mood for caring.

I was relieved to see that Alice and her puppy dog, Jasper, had already left for work. Jasper didn't technically live here but the Cullens seemed fine with it. Honestly though I don't think I've ever seen anyone as love sick as Jasper. He idolises Alice, it's like a baby duck imprinting on its mother, yeah weird.

Alice is just Alice. She has this energy that I find unnerving and compelling at the same time. She almost reads my mind, in as much as she knows when I want to be left the fuck alone. Works for me.

In the kitchen I came face to face with Esme. Her normally piercing green eyes were dull and her face looked all washed out. We stared each other down for a few seconds before I was compelled to look away. All the guilt I'd been suppressing rose to the surface threatening to suffocate me. I had to get out of here. She offered me a weak smile and nodded towards to table. I grabbed the cup I assumed she'd made for me, and a roll and headed for the door.

'Uh Edward…' I heard Esme start 'do you want to…' but I didn't hear the rest as I slammed shut the front door and ran to my car.

Outside Carlisle was just getting back from a nightshift at the hospital, digging his suitcase out of the back of his brand new shiny Audi. He straightened up stretching his arms above his head in an attempt to work out the obvious kinks in his back. I wondered briefly if it would be weird to suggest I help out with that. He looked as tired as I felt but when he saw me he forced an encouraging smile.

'Nice suit,' he called out.

'Not as nice as yours.' I retaliated and he chuckled to himself, more than likely thinking what an ungrateful bastard I was.

'Have you seen Esme this morning?' I averted my eyes not willing to let him see the guilt.

'No,' I lied easily nodding to the car Carlisle had _lent_ me, and I meant that in the very loosest sense of the word as I'd refused to take it as a gift. 'I'm running late.' I slid behind the wheel starting her up with a flick of my wrist. I was backing out of the drive before Carlisle could respond.

I couldn't deal with that this morning, I thought, running my hand through my hair until it flopped messily into my eyes. Carlisle had given me the chance of a lifetime and I wasn't going to fuck it up.

I pulled into the parking lot and quickly glanced in my mirror. The face that stared back was barely recognisable. My eyes were flat and lifeless with dark circles from lack of sleep and I looked closer to 40 than 28.

With more force than strictly necessary I slammed the visor up as a flash of white caught my eye. I stared at the vision racing towards the hospital entrance mesmerised by the bright light that seemed to surround her. As she ran I noticed her hair was all over the place, in a good way, and there was something wrong with that dress, but the thing that got me was that she was smiling and talking but the place was completely empty.

By the time I made it into the office I was considerably late. The blonde bubbly receptionist told me with a snap of her pink bubble gum, 'don't you worry sweet cheeks, I'll sort it out for you.' She gave me a sickly sweet smile, which was highly unnerving for this early in the morning, and I seriously doubted her ability to make both of those things happen.

God I was in a foul mood. I couldn't wait for the day to start so I could get my hands on some poor unsuspecting sucker and massage the shit out of him.

As I sat there waiting, my mind flicked back to Esme's face earlier. I was ruining it with her. I never expected such generosity from Carlisle and his new wife Esme, after all they'd only just found out I even existed.

My mother had told me all about the good doctor many many times. It was her favourite subject, and depending on her mood or alcohol level she'd tell me how she'd proceeded to fuck it all up.

I'd done my share of digging in the past, hoping to find a lonely old man in need of some company. Instead I'd found this incredibly successful doctor, married with two children and highly respected in the community. The last thing he wanted or needed in his perfect life was some reject son he'd never known about. So I'd gone back to Alaska, back to our filthy apartment and my manic-depressive mother and vowed to make him proud. To eventually go to him as someone who was worthy of his attentions.

But I'd failed, badly.

'Mr Cullen'

I jerked back to the present day realising I was being addressed. It still didn't feel right, being called a Cullen.

'Dr Munroe' I stood and shook the doctor's hand while she looked me up and down a smile itching at her heavily botoxed lips. Carlisle had gotten me an interview here and luckily for me they decided to give me chance. I was qualified for the job, having done my sport therapist training when I left high school, unfortunately that was when my decisions stopped becoming my own.

'You came highly recommended from Carlisle.' She winked at me using his first name as if to suggest a familiarity that I knew did not exist. Esme had teased Carlisle when he told her who he'd had to suck up to.

'She's a very persistent woman.' He'd grimaced, 'Don't let her take advantage of you.' But I was more than capable of holding my own.

'_Dr Cullen_ is a great doctor.' I over emphasised his name pointedly. Her Barbie doll face, replicated only by the amount of plastic, looked away. I doubted you could even tell what emotion she was portraying.

Dr Munroe cleared her throat uncomfortably and indicated a door to our left. 'If you'd like to come in here we can get started' A sharp intake of breath from the reception area alerted us to the fact that the dumb receptionist was eavesdropping. I could see the two ladies eyeballing each other and hoped the Doc would fire her later. Feeling like I was gonna hate it here I made my own way into the room.

Three patients later and I was sensing the need for some air. I'd worked with an angsty young teenager who'd broken his foot and refused to weight bear, a sweet old lady who recently had a knee replacement and shouted 'motherfucker' every time you went near it, and a conversational war veteran with a fused spine, who wouldn't shut up no matter how much pain I seemed to inflict on him.

Throughout the morning the receptionist called Jessica, with the addition of bright pink lips and fluttery eyelashes, had brought me four cups of coffee and two bottles of water. Did she think I had the bladder of a camel? I quickly realised with great disappointment she had not been given the sack. On top of her frequent interruptions, I'd been subjected to a very thorough demonstration of hands on therapy by Dr Munroe, one that I didn't want a repeat of and didn't think very necessary at the time.

Truth was I needed some space.

Jessica rushed to get the door as I made my way across the reception. I wanted to tell her I wasn't goddamn royalty but I really didn't give that much of a shit to say it. I smiled tensely at her and mumbled something like I'd be back for my next appointment. She all but fainted at the fact I hadn't just ignored her like every other time that morning. God she was pathetic.

I wasn't sure where to go as I glanced around outside. The therapy centre was right next to the hospital although you could clearly tell it was a new build. Across the street there was a large green park surrounded by trees and bushes with a flat green in the centre. Plenty of people were sat on blankets enjoying a rain free day and a couple of college kids were playing American football.

Emmett played football, he was supposed to be very good. I thought then that I might go to one of his games, to show some effort you know, not because I liked football or anything. Bunch of guys banging their heads together over a ball didn't strike me as particularly skilful. The closest I got to American Football was Emmett's sport bag lying in the hall and then I wished to god I hadn't.

I spotted a vacant undercover park bench across the street that looked just as good as any. It was a cast-iron affair and someone had painstakingly wound creeper vines all over it providing waterproofing and at the same time enclosing the bench in privacy. Just as I was about to cross, I heard my name being called from behind me. My mood instantly fell as I recognised the voice.

'Edward, sorry do you have a minute?' Esme was rushing towards me looking very determined. Her sharply tailored suit made her look like she didn't belong here. Everything about her screamed elegance and money. She was one put together lady and I wondered for a second how my life would have turned out having this woman bringing me up instead of my inadequate excuse of a mother.

I remembered how Esme had tried to talk to me earlier this morning, couldn't she take a hint?

'I think we need to talk about a few things' she said almost as if asking me. I just frowned at her really pissed at her for even being here, but she took no notice. 'I've made arrangements for..'

'Esme please' I begged her before I lost it and threw away everything once again. 'I cant do this here or now.' I felt trapped, pressurised. I knew what I had to do for god's sake, why could people just get off my back about it. I just couldn't deal with it yet.

I clenched my fists either in a misguided attempt to calm myself or to stop myself from lashing out. Either way it helped slightly. I repeated the answer I always had for her, 'I cant do it, I'm sorry.' And in that moment I really truly felt it. Esme was putting herself out for me and for Carlisle and I was throwing it back in her face. I felt really shitty.

She looked at me and her face hardened into a glare. 'Fine.' She bit out harshly 'But this cant go on Edward, sooner or later you'll have to face up to your responsibilities, you cant bury your head in the sand forever……' her voice trailed off as she took in the look on my face. I was willing to bet it wasn't a pretty sight.

I didn't trust myself to speak like a decent human being so I kept my mouth shut. Esme seemed to back down and her face softened, her voice took on a more soothing tone 'Edward I'm sorry for what happened…' she started and I instantly realised I liked this line of conversation even less.

'Can we talk at home?' I snapped anxiously looking around for an escape route. 'I have to go back to work.'

Esme nodded at me sadly as drops of rain started hitting the pavement. I wanted to say more, I wanted to tell her I could do what she asked of me but I couldn't say it and I knew it wasn't true. I turned away from her and all but ran for the safety of the therapy centre. I felt like a class A jerk more than ever as I watched her walk away dejectedly, and knew that I would have to make good on my word and talk to her this evening. Much as I hated to admit it, she was right. It wasn't going to go away by ignoring the situation and the longer I left it the harder it would become. Time to bite the bullet, time to be a man.

The rest of the afternoon passed in a blur of coffee, geriatrics and Jessica's pitiful and annoying attempts at small talk. There were a lot of old people in this town and not very many all-star athletes.

I'd gone into my training from a love of fighting. Not in gangs or bars or shit like that, although I'd had my fair share of that too. I meant in the ring. Boxing, Muay-Thai, Brazilian Ju-Jitsu, Kickboxing, Wrestling. You name it I'd tried it. From an early age I was forced to fend for myself.

I would hear the guy who lived in the flat above us kicking the shit out of a punch bag in the alleyway behind our block. I'd sit and watch him, mesmerised by his movements. One day he called me over, I thought for sure I was getting a good beating, but he started showing me how to throw punches and kicks at the bag, and I felt so free and in control I loved every second of it.

I started going with him to this unused warehouse where he trained, using a makeshift ring and old gym equipment. I never pushed my luck and in return I was sort of accepted into the group. Throughout the years it was the only thing that kept me going. Injuries were common as I guess the equipment wasn't that great and the guys were getting old. I read up on sports injuries at school and how to overcome them. Gradually I sort of became the guy who would help you train if you were injured and get you back into fighting shape. It became my new focus as I realised I could actually help people. That's when I knew what I wanted to do and as I finished high school with excellent grades I started college for physical therapy. I'd had it all worked out, too bad life didn't agree with me.

By the end of the day I was fucking exhausted. As I left the building I prayed the secluded bench across the road would be vacant again. As much as I knew I had to, I couldn't handle going back and facing Esme just yet.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

BPOV

I opened my eyes slowly wondering why I could see buzz lightyear flying towards me. Just how hard did I hit my head?

Then I realised I was still on the paeds ward. Shit how embarrassing. I scrambled off the bed almost landing on Alice sitting patiently by my side reading a hefty medical text book.

'Woah woah woah' Alice chuckled as she hefted me back onto the bed, peering at me closely. I knew that look. We'd been here before.

I sat back on the bed and drew my legs up to my chest wondering when the lectures would start, whilst surreptitiously looking for Jacob. I spotted his lazy grin in the corner of the room, and smiled as he gave me the thumbs up.

Alice's eyes narrowed. 'How do you feel?' she asked me although it sounded like a trick question and one I was surely going to get wrong.

'Fine' I lied because right now my head was pounding so hard it was making me feel sick.

She narrowed her eyes at me but I lifted my chin in defiance, I wasn't the best patient and she knew it. Reluctantly Alice looked away and sighed her disapproval. A tub of fluorescent pink pills appeared on the bed next me. 'Well that's one hell of a way to get us both out of rounds' She joked and relaxed her tense shoulders. I allowed myself to do the same.

'One thing though' she bolted upright again and slid towards me right on the edge of her seat. I instantly stiffened.

She reached out a hand and touched my cheek affectionately the pain in her eyes unmasked as she whispered in a sad voice 'You were calling for Jacob again.' I relaxed my head into her hand and closed my eyes.

'I know' I whispered welcoming the familiar sting of tears as my eyes welled up. I longed to take the pretty little pills that would plunge me back into a fluffy blanket of mellowness.

'Do you think you should talk to someone Bella?' Alice asked me gently stroking my cheek with her thumb.

I pushed away from her putting on my most convincing voice, 'I'm fine.' My lips spoke the words but I didn't believe it and I knew Alice didn't either. She had tried countless times to get me into therapy but I couldn't see the point. It wasn't going to change what happened and it wasn't going to make me a happier person. Truth was I didn't think I'd ever be 'fine' again. Only one person could make me feel normal which was pretty hilarious considering.

I knew it wasn't rational and I knew Alice would never understand, but right then all I wanted was to be left alone so I could be with Jacob. How could I tell my best friend my dead fiancée was standing right behind her in this room? Well, I really couldn't.

Somehow I managed to get through the rest of the day. After convincing Alice I didn't need to go home, I was assigned research duties in the library. As always Jacob was being really sweet and kept asking me how I was. I managed to sneak away at lunch by myself and sit on my favourite bench with him, his smell and his voice surrounding me. It was the only thing these days that kept the panic away.

It hadn't always been this way. After the accident that claimed my parents and my fiancée, I was left completely alone.

Alice wanted me to move in with her straight away, she spoke to me everyday and tried to convince me it would be for the best. I could recover surrounded by people who loved me and have the best care money could buy.

Back then I didn't want to recover, I didn't want to be happy and comfortable. I wanted to be in pain and suffer, that much I deserved for even being here.

I had nothing left to give and struggled to care about the tiniest things. I was numb to the world. I barely ate, couldn't stand any light and had to be literally forced to wash myself. Everyone came to visit me but I pretended to be asleep. I didn't want to be here, I didn't want to be alive. As far as I was concerned my life had ended that night they pulled me away from Jacob screaming.

I had several injuries from the crash. I'd broken my left leg in three places, cracked a few ribs and fractured my skull. I was lucky to be alive they told me. Even through the thick haze of drugs I had lashed out violently at the unsuspecting nurse who'd uttered those words. I was still trying to get at her as they held me down and stabbed a syringe into my thigh to sedate me.

They heavily medicated me for my injuries, for which I was entirely grateful. Because of the seriousness of my head trauma, I had to stay in hospital until my skull fused again and I was cleared of any further complications. I didn't care. The drowsy state the meds put me in made it a whole lot easier to block everything out, and the next few months passed in a murky blur. The day I was to be discharged Carlisle came to visit me.

'What will you do Bella?' he asked me, and I had absolutely no idea. What I wanted more than anything was to be with Jacob and my parents, I couldn't imagine my life without them. It was empty, dark, and I was consumed by nothingness. I broke down then, collapsing in front of Carlisle and crying for the first time since I'd come round from the accident. Intense sobs were wracking through my body making it hard for him to hold on to me, as all my pain and anguish came pouring out. Enormous tears I'd been unable to cry for months, drenched my face and clothes. Carlisle eased me to the floor and held me in his lap as I purged my sorrow. I couldn't hold back. My life had gone, ripped away from me, what had I done to deserve that? I struggled to breathe I was crying so hard, but Carlisle just rocked me gently and made soothing noises into the top of my head. Eventually I felt empty again.

'It's ok Bella,' Carlisle spoke thickly and I realised he had been crying too. The thought pushed through to my fuzzy brain. I wasn't alone.

'Come back to Forks,' he pleaded. 'You can have your own room, all the privacy you need. You don't have to do this on your own.'

'Ok' I whispered in a small voice, trying out the sound. I didn't know what else to do.

I stood up then and Carlisle went to make a few calls. When I turned around I saw him. Jacob. He was standing in the doorway leaning against the wall in his usual lazy way. He was wearing the same thing he wore everyday, ripped denim jeans and the softest worn cotton t shirt. His long black hair was loose and I was surprised how it shone in the gloomy room. My hands ached to touch him.

I was sure I was dreaming.

'I'm sorry Bella.' He started but I just stared at him trying with all my might to keep him here. 'Don't give up baby, you can do this.' He spoke with a confidence I neither shared nor wanted to hear.

'No!' I yelled at him 'Don't fucking leave me again!' I was shaking with anger. 'Don't you dare leave me.'

But Jacob just smiled sadly at me, 'I'm sorry.' He repeated. 'I'll always be with you Bella, I love you' and he disappeared before me.

I sank onto the bed, grief suddenly overwhelming me. I felt like I was drowning. Why had Jacob come to me and then left so abrubtly I couldn't understand it. If he really loved me surely he wouldn't leave me on my own like this. I replayed in my head what he'd said to me. I _could_ do this but I didn't want to do it without him. The thought occurred to me that maybe he would come back.

By the time Carlisle came into my room I'd decided to stay in Phoenix. I would finish med school, I would keep myself busy and I would wait for Jacob.

A year later and there was still no sign of him. Alice had been bugging me about coming to Forks for my internship. I knew I was grasping at straws but maybe being there would bring Jacob to me, it made more and more sense to me as the days wore on. He was probably waiting for me there and I was wasting time being here in Phoenix. My mind was made up.

Carlisle was extremely kind and wrote my referring letter to the hospital to which I was accepted, and again offered me a room at his home. I couldn't accept both.

I moved into my own house in the summer four months ago. That was when the nightmares started and when Jacob finally came back to me.

I stripped out of my scrubs and made the most of the hot shower pounding into my aching neck. Of all my injuries, I had never been able to ease the tension that brought agony to my neck and caused awful migraines, but I was used to it by now. I quickly shut off the water and wrapped in a towel I wandered over to my locker. I was keen to sit on my bench in the rare sunshine and wallow in Jacobness. I did not want to go home.

I always dreaded going back to my empty house and tried to delay the inevitable everyday. At home there was nothing to distract me. Everything we had bought together mocked me from their closed boxes. When Jacob had moved out to Phoenix we'd got our own place, a small apartment close to mum and dad. I'd loved going out shopping with Jake, picking out things to furnish it. It felt like the whole place was ours, and it was all carefully selected to begin our lives together. When Jacob had proposed a month after moving in, I knew it was perfect. I'd thought we'd be together forever in our cosy home surrounded by our things.

I'd packed everything away when I got back from the hospital and lived on the bare essentials, merely transporting it all from phoenix to here. Jake still teased me about not unpacking properly but it just felt wrong. It was too painful to look at items we'd once used, or deliberated over buying. They were memories safer locked away. I wished I still had my stupidly strong pain meds so I could knock myself out every evening as soon as I got back. I could cope with that.

Alice bounded over to me fresh from her shower looking as if she'd just woke up instead of finishing a hard demanding day's work. I briefly wondered if she had plans this evening and then remembered Edward or her newly acquired brother, as Alice called him, was still settling in. Carlisle had disappeared on urgent business a few weeks ago and had returned with his son Edward. Alice was shocked at first but she didn't have a malicious bone in her body and quickly accepted him as one of their own.

According to Alice, Edward's mother and Carlisle had a brief affair a few years before he met Esme. It didn't work out and she'd left him not telling him or not knowing about Edward. Carlisle didn't know he existed until a phone call out of the blue led to Edward becoming part of the Cullen family. I knew there was more to that story but Alice was reluctant to give details and even stopped inviting me to hers. I was fine with that though because I really didn't have it in me to be fake happy and polite to anyone.

'Here let me' Alice cooed as she removed my dress from the hanger and started wrapping it round me. I was quite relieved as the way I was feeling, I could have put the thing on upside down and not given a shit. 'You're coming over on Saturday right' it was a statement more than a question and I frowned trying to remember why I would be going to the Cullens.

'Did you ask me?' I answered figuring honesty was the best policy.

'No.' she replied, I should have expected that. 'We're having a family barbeque for Edward, I said you'd be there.' There was no room for arguing.

'Kay fine' I agreed too tired to point out I might have had plans…on second thoughts that was laughable even to me. I wondered what had changed to make it acceptable to meet this mysterious figure in the Cullen household.

'Is he…okay now?' I ventured trying to sound less interested than I actually was.

Alice sighed, 'Look Bells there's something you should know.' That got my attention right away. Maybe the rumours were true, maybe he was in jail and Carlisle bailed him out and brought him home. I tried not to listen to rumours but people tend to talk more openly around you when you're trying to be invisible.

'You can tell me Alice.' I encouraged not entirely sure why I was so curious.

She almost looked like she regretted saying anything, but in true Alice style she launched into a blatantly rehearsed speech 'It's just he's been through a hell of a lot and he's still not completely settled and he just needs more time he's not a bad person don't just judge him its not fair to Edward I'm sure he'll come round eventually anyway you're clearly still grieving Jacob and I don't want you to get hurt not that Edward is like that but it's probably for the best cos its complicated but....'

'Alice!' I had to interrupt her. 'What are you talking about?'

She took a deep breath 'He's really fucking gorgeous Bella' she said this as if it explained everything. I stared at her open mouthed but that was obviously all she was going to say.

'And….?' I asked completely flummoxed by her line of thinking.

'Well you know, Edward is really confused right now and I think you are too but…'

'Just stop Alice ok? I'm not going to try and jump his bones I can assure you.' Thinking to myself how completely uninterested I'd be in another man with Jacob by my side. 'I promise you I wont judge him.' I added for good measure not entirely sure if I'd covered all her concerns.

'Thankyou, that means a lot.' She said sounding really sincere, attempting to fix my hair and leaving me wondering why she was being so cagey.

Outside it had rained briefly but the sun had come back out and it was lusciously warm on my skin. I took a deep breath of fresh air smiling as Jacob appeared by my side. It still lifted my heart every time I saw him there, like the best kind of medicine.

'Shall we?' he nodded towards the unoccupied bench with the vines still dripping with rain, and I marvelled at how lucky I was. I sat down and tucked my legs underneath me, peering at Jacob. It was moments like these I wished with all my being I could reach out and touch him. Feel his arms close around me and his kisses on my face.

'Why do you smile so much Jake?' I asked him sadly, surely he was as frustrated as I was?

He turned to me and looked into my eyes. 'I just want you to be happy Bells'

He grinned again. 'And I love being able to watch you in the changing rooms!'

'Hey!' I tried to keep my smile hidden as I pouted at him but his deep chuckles were infectious and I could never stay mad at Jacob for long. He was my sunshine, he was the glow I'd been missing for so long and I was just happy to have him back in any form.

A voice cut through my laughter 'Can I sit here?'

I froze. Normally the sight of me talking to myself coupled with the 'stay away from me' vibes I radiated, deterred most people from approaching me. It had been so long since anyone even bothered I'd kinda gotten used to being ignored. I was content to be with Alice at work and even saw the Cullen's on occasion. I had so much to thank them for. But the majority of my time I spent with Jacob. I never knew when he would disappear again.

I glared at the stranger stood before me in a dark expensive suit but with his shirt buttons undone at the neck and his tie hanging loosely undone. I couldn't help but stare at the small triangle of bare skin revealed through his shirt. It was almost hypnotising. He ran his hand through his messy hair and I realised he was looking at the spot where Jacob was sitting, but as I turned I noticed Jake wasn't there. Frantically I began searching for him and didn't notice the stranger take his place.

'Thanks' he muttered, and I wanted to tell him I never said he could.

'Hi' he continued oblivious to my panic, and held out his large hand as if for me to shake. I stared at it, even more confused as my hand reached up to take it.

As soon as our palms connected an unexpected feeling of stillness engulfed my body. I could feel my heart slow, my blood stop rushing, my breath held itself in my lungs, and yet there wasn't even a fragment of my usual panic. I felt more relaxed than I had done without medication for a really long time.

Shamelessly I gripped onto his hand, reluctant to let this feeling of serenity leave me. The thought that I must come across as more than a little unhinged crossed fleetingly through my woolly brain. But as I focused my gaze from our still joined hands to my stranger's face I realised two things.

The first was that my stranger was smiling unabashedly at me.

The second was that my stranger was clearly a figment of my imagination because perfection like this could not and did not exist.

'Are you an angel?' I breathed without thinking.

'What?'

'What?' shit! I broke eye contact and dropped my hand quickly hoping he hadn't heard me correctly, but as I peeked at his sparkling brown eyes I realised he'd heard me very clearly. Nervously I started to rub my neck.

'Are you ok?' he asked me his perfect face now full of concern. 'Here let me.'

My hand stilled on my neck as I became aware of his hard body shifting closer to mine. His hands tangled in my hair as he lifted it from my neck and started rubbing circles with his thumbs. It felt amazing. Instantly my muscles seemed to wilt under his touch and the ache I'd been feeling there earlier completely subsided. I should have moved. I should have felt panicked. It should have felt wrong, but I felt none of those things as a pure porn star moan escaped my lips.

Mortally embarrassed I shot up from the bench trying desperately to regain some kind of control over myself. I could feel myself blushing furiously and had no idea how I'd allowed the last five minutes to happen.

'I'm a physical therapist' he blurted as I stared at the ground willing it to suck me in. 'I'm sorry I shouldn't have…it's just that….oh fuck' a bit taken back I looked up frowning and realised he was searching in his pockets for something. 'Here's my details'. He thrust a scruffy white business card into my hand. 'Please come and see me sometime I'd be happy to help with those knots.'

He smiled crookedly and I couldn't help but notice how perfect his teeth were. I nodded at him as somewhere in the back of my mind I questioned my own sanity.

'I have to go' I mumbled not able to bring to my feet to actually do it.

'Oh ok me too' he sounded disappointed but stood from the bench and joined me as I started walking towards the car park. I didn't stop him. He was pretty tall as I noticed I barely reached his shoulder. Jacob was a little bit taller than me but not by much. I realised he was not talking to me and I wondered if he'd come to the conclusion I was a complete nut job. When we reached my car I stopped fishing my keys out of my bag.

'It was great to meet you uh…..' he looked at me expectantly, amusement showing on his perfect features.

'Bella' I finished for him as a gradual unease starting filtering back through.

'Bella' he repeated as if to test it out. My whole face lit up at the sound of my name on his flawless lips. He leaned in towards me and took a deep breath 'Thankyou' he murmured and he left my side.

I watched him walk away from me noticing how cool and calm he seemed compared to my usual gracelessness. I wondered why I'd never noticed him before. Could he really be an angel? With that thought I felt myself come back down to earth with a bump. My smile vanished. _Jacob_. He hadn't left me in almost five months. Panic closed my throat and I had to sit down. No not I'd looked for him he was there. I didn't understand and for the second time that day I felt really sick.

I climbed into my car not knowing what to do and dreading having to go home on my own. I saw my stranger pull away in his silver Volvo and I realised I was still holding onto the card he gave me. Only then did I look at his name. Edward Cullen.

EPOV

'What just happened?' I thought out loud as I drove back at speeds that would challenge most rally drivers. This car was certainly a benefit of being a Cullen. It pulled away with no effort, accelerated beautifully and slid into corners with the tyres gripping the road like no-one's business. I'd bet Carlisle would have a small fit if he saw how I drove it though. Driving had always calmed me down. I would often drive around late at night after another fight, until the sharp corners and exhilarating straights had soothed my emotions and softened my limbs.

I thought back to her face. Her dark brown hair was loose and it was flying everywhere as she flung her head back. I remembered she was laughing. It was pure melodic bliss and I almost stopped right where I was just so I could listen to her. My heart was pounding as I got closer and then I was there, standing in front of this bright all consuming light. Before I knew it my brain had engaged but I had no idea what I was gonna say.

'Can I sit here?' _wow smooth_ I thought running my hand nervously through my hair. That was a habit I'd have to break. Amazingly, she wasn't paying any attention me. She looked around her as if she'd lost something and I took advantage of the fact she hadn't said no.

As I slid down beside her I could see she was starting to panic. 'Hi' I held my hand out to shake hers just to show her I was a good guy. Yeah even I could see the irony in that. She looked bewilderedly at my hand as if I'd just held out a cheese sandwich and I thought that maybe I was trying too hard here. But she took it. And that alone made me so fucking happy I could feel myself grinning. WTF? I didn't grin, I didn't smile at people, especially ones I didn't know. I wasn't what you'd call a happy person, but there I was grinning away like an idiot. I had to get a grip.

She eventually lifted her eyes to mine and I noticed how icy blue they were. Deep oceans of colour stared right back at me framed by long lashes that drew you into their depths. I had this unshakable feeling I knew her. Of course I didn't know her. I didn't know the first fucking thing about her. Other than she glittered like a fucking glow worm in a diamond factory.

Then she uttered the funniest thing I'd ever heard. 'Are you an angel?'

'What?' I tried really hard to bite back a scathing remark along the lines of _only in Satan's eyes sweetheart_.

'What?' she echoed me with a slight hysterical edge and I panicked that I'd really said it. She dropped her head and my hand at the same time and I couldn't work out if I'd offended her in some way. I know I was staring but I couldn't take my eyes off her. What was wrong with me?

I noticed she'd started rubbing her neck, clear signs of stress and I briefly wondered if I was making her feel tense.

'Are you ok?' I asked. Then brazen as you like I slid closer to her back, my thigh coming to rest against hers. A brief shock of electricity shot through my leg and I almost moved back not wanting to invade her space, yet I knew I could help. 'Here let me'

My hands instinctively went to the place she'd been rubbing, lifting her silky strands from her neck so I could get better access. My thumbs connected with her skin as I felt that electricity again. She hadn't noticed so let my hands start to work their magic. I could feel a whole mass of painful tension and tightness beneath my fingers and I frowned as I noted it had probably been there for a while.

She started to relax beneath me, which elicited another smile. I had to stop that shit or I'd be scaring people. Her shoulders dropped and her head fell back slightly. I could feel the muscles giving up their firm grip. The stiffness becoming gradually softer as I worked on each muscle, creating a heat which was forcing the ache to melt away. Just as I started getting into it and feeling some kind of progress, she made this noise that startled the fuck out of us both. It was the sexiest little purr. It came out of nowhere, it was pure satisfaction and it made my head spin.

She scrambled off the bench before I could resume my good work and I felt like crap, hoping to a higher force that she hadn't taken my advances the wrong way.

'I'm a physical therapist' I quickly interjected thinking it might explain things a little better. 'I'm sorry I shouldn't have…it's just that….oh fuck' I was really bad at this, why did I have to fucking ruin everything? I didn't know why but I wanted to make things right with her. She was the first person I had ever felt anything other than contempt for in such a long time and she fascinated the hell out of me. I couldn't let her go without trying. Desperately I dug my hands into my pockets hoping to find one of the lame business cards Jessica had made up for me earlier, aha result.

'Here's my details' I hastily shoved the dog eared card at her and held my breath. She looked uncomfortable as hell and I mentally kicked my fucking ass for making her feel that way. I was about to withdraw it thinking she was on the verge of running when she took the card from my hand.

Feeling a little braver I decided to suggest something I hoped would mean I could see her again and a bit perversely, get my hands on her again. 'Please come and see me sometime I'd be happy to help with those knots.'

She nodded and I couldn't help the relief that flooded through me as I abandoned my desperate measure stalker plans.

'I have to go' I was barely aware she was talking to me.

A brief flash of Esme's angered face told me I should probably do the same. 'Oh ok me too'. I stood up from the bench. I knew where she was parked so I walked alongside her trying to look inconspicuous as I watched her walk. She looked amazing. I noticed her dress looked less weird now instead hugging her slimness and outlining her tiny figure. Her hair fell around her shoulder blades swinging slightly as she walked and giving off the most appealing scent with each step. I didn't think a female could bother me like this again. After Tanya I'd pretty much given up on girls. I still got plenty of unwanted attention. I now put this down to having a certain amount of Cullen DNA since Carlisle had that blond hair, blue eyed look like a fucking catalogue model, Alice was like a porcelain doll and Emmett had that Adonis thing going on that made all the girls scream at his football games which Rosalie bitched about often. Not that I looked or anything but it was hard to ignore Emmett's huge well-developed frame as he stalked round the house butt naked, like he was king of the jungle or some shit. Girls were trouble. I couldn't stand any of it. To me they were uninteresting and obnoxious. I felt nothing when I looked at them, complete emptiness. Until now.

Too soon for my liking we reached her car and figuring I wouldn't be allowed to climb in next her I tried to think of something to say that would make her stay a bit longer.

'It was great to meet you uh…..'

'Bella'

'Bella' I repeated loving the way it sounded and loving the huge fucking smile that literally lit up her glowing face. Involuntarily I felt myself lean in closer to her just needing to savour her presence. I was well and truly awestruck by this peculiar little thing that seemed to emanate life. I was so desperate to know more about her. I caught another lungful of that glorious scent, my rational thought processes completely out the window at this point. It was like an illegal high, I felt guilty and ashamed but I fucking loved it. I felt I had to thank her for making my fucking day but a sharp vibration alerted me to the fact that my phone was ringing on silent. Why can't people leave me alone.

'Thanks' was all I could manage before I stalked off to my car.


	3. Chapter 3

EPOV

I struggled to regain consciousness as the alarm clock shattered my ten minutes of peaceful sleep. Turning over I gave it a mighty whack and smirked at the gratifying crunch of plastic. Gradually my eyes accustomed to the darkness and focused on the numbers dancing in front of me.

06.00

You're shitting me. I blinked a few times hoping I was hallucinating but the display stayed the same. Godamn it, I should really get an alarm clock that fucking worked.

I rolled over barely suppressing a whimper as I felt my erection dig painfully into the mattress. Wow that hasn't happened in a while, I thought almost pleasantly surprised. I'd figured that part of me had died with that bitch Tanya. The only relief I got these days was purely functional and had nothing to do with pleasure. And god knows I'd not been near a woman who had this effect on me.

Frustrated and confused, I decided to get up. I knew I'd never get back to sleep in this state and I needed the motivation to get started on my good deed. I thought back to last night and winced as my guilt complex kicked in. I'd have to pull something special out of the bag this time.

I'd circled around Forks after I left Bella not having the balls to go back to the mansion and face my future. Turned out I didn't have to as Esme had left a timid message on my phone apologising for confronting me earlier that day. Dinner would be on the table at 7 should I want to join them. She should have known better than to give me a fucking perfect get out clause like that one.

By the time I pulled into their driveway it was 9:30pm. I knew Esme would be asleep by then, guilt shoved at my conscious because I knew I was the reason why.

As quietly as my squeaky ass brand new shoes would let me, I'd stalked past the kitchen but I hadn't accounted for Alice and her supersonic hearing.

'Hey Edward, I'm warming up leftovers, do you want some?' Busted. I stood there in the hallway, torn between being polite for once in my life or being a bastard like my reputation was fast becoming anyway.

My stomach growled loudly in response, 'guess so!' she chirped.

_Traitor,_ I thought holding in my abdomen trying to make it stop. Reluctantly I followed the sound of Alice's voice into the kitchen, as she chattered away about how she'd rescued some girl again at work. 'It was a good job I was there Jas,' she didn't stop as I made my way to the table. 'It was by far the worst one I've seen her have.' I nodded at Jasper who was sat eagerly at the table following her every move.

He was wearing his usual combination of scruffy jeans and a slogan t-shirt. The slogans were usually lame as fuck like 'Visualise Whirled Peas' but this one was plain black and just said 'Meh' which appealed to me today. His hair was that messy kind which screamed it had been styled meticulously, probably by Alice, and the standard black 'guyliner', as Emmett referred to it when he was taking the piss, was smudged round his eyes. He looked suspiciously like he had that glossy lip stuff I'd seen sluts wearing and I had to look twice. My gaze swung to Alice who was obliviously smiling at her young adoring wannabe rock star. I had to give her Kudos for indulging a guy 4 years younger than her, but what the hell were the shiny lips about? Fucked if I knew why a 20 year old guy would wear that shit. Emmett would have a field day.

I rolled my eyes thinking I wouldn't be staying long.

'So did you work late today?' Alice turned her attentions to me as she added another plate on the work surface. She was stirring something delicious smelling in a large pot on the stove. My mouth watered as if on cue. Esme was an excellent cook.

'Uh yeah.' I lied thinking it was easier than admitting I couldn't stand playing happy families with them. 'You guys too huh?' I asked questioning why they were heating leftovers and clearly hadn't been at dinner either.

Alice giggled with her back to me and Jasper snorted beside me. 'We were kinda busy' he answered yet never taking his eyes from Alice. I looked away feeling my previous appetite disappear, definitely more info than needed.

More than eager to get the hell out of there before there was a repeat performance, I moved closer to the stove and picked up my plate. They were so openly happy it was sickening. Jasper was grinning at Alice like she lit up his entire godamn world and I had this overwhelming urge to shake him. Didn't he know how fucking stupid he looked?

Alice piled the mouth-watering chicken casserole onto my plate and I practically bolted to my room muttering a thanks as I went. Bounding up the stairs I glimpsed at my watch and smiled to myself. Not fucking long at all.

Thankfully the house was dead quiet as I tiptoed downstairs and made my way into the kitchen. I had no clue what people ate for breakfast as I usually avoided this place in the mornings as much as fucking possible. For reasons highly unknown to me, these people actually wanted to talk to each other first thing in the morning. I was not a morning person.

Needing to get a move on, I decided to just go nuts and hope for the best. I knew from experience that things didn't seem quite so tragic in the light of day, and even a small gesture like fixing breakfast might just win me back some acceptance, I wasn't brave enough to hope for understanding. It would give Carlisle and Esme reason to think I was coping, and it would also buy myself a little more time.

I started gathering armfuls of ingredients and sorting through the myriad of pots and pans in Esme's cupboards. My mind strayed back to yesterday afternoon and I wondered what Bella's favourite breakfast would be. Quickly I shook the thought. _Truly fucking dangerous_, my head yelled at me. I had no business thinking those kinds of things, especially now that I had more important things to consider. I resolved to put the glowing gorgeous creature out of my mind. What was I thinking? Surely my track record with women was reason enough to stay the hell away from her.

Tanya had been my first girlfriend. I met her when I started college. She was fun, alluring and was obviously attracted to me. I was young and lonely. I'd never meant for things to get so out of hand. She walked up to me in a club one night as I was out drinking with the guys from my course. She was barely dressed, one strap of her tiny dress had been ripped off her shoulder. I remember thinking at the time it was kinda sexy. She sauntered over smirking at me before shoving her tongue down my throat. I was so drunk I'd nearly fallen over dragging her with me. I'd had to hold her tightly to keep us upright and she took that as encouragement, rubbing herself seductively against me. I'd woken the next morning with her draped across me and she'd pretty much never left.

At the time, it seemed like our nights out were exciting and raucous, but in reality they were embarrassing, and extremely fucking damaging as it turned out, always fuelled by drink and the dangerous games Tanya liked to play trying to make me jealous. I would often end up in bar brawls as she played one guy off against another, all the while I was completely oblivious to her scheming. Gradually I began to realise what a fucking idiot I was being. As I drank less she seemed to drink more. Her sexy saunter had become drunken stumbling, she no longer cared what she looked like, where she went or who she went with. I had to look after her. I carried her in when she collapsed outside our apartment, washed the vomit out of her hair before putting her into bed and held her as she screamed and wept her misery. In some fucked up way she had replaced my mother.

No, it wasn't fair. I was without a doubt a human wrecking ball, what could I possibly have to offer a delicate sunbeam like Bella.

By the time I removed the muffins from the oven I could hear people starting to move around upstairs. Squeezing the full plate of muffins into a gap I realised I'd made enough to feed a small army. The kitchen table was weighed down with American pancakes, maple bacon, sticky sausages, scrambled eggs, poached eggs, hard-boiled eggs, French toast, croissants, powdered doughnuts, onion bagels, muesli, sunflower rolls, peanut cookies and blueberry muffins.

The kitchen looked like the aftermath of a mafia cocaine deal gone wrong. Flour camouflaged every surface including the floor, and every utensil Esme owned was now cluttered around me. I was exhausted. A loud whooping noise alerted me to the fact that Emmett had spied the overloaded table groaning under it's weight.

'Man this looks awesome!' he punched his fists into the air appreciatively. I rolled my eyes at his enthusiasm so early in the goddamn morning. You'd think they never got fed round here. 'You're staying right?' And he slapped his hand on my back, I assumed meant to be affectionately, and started piling a mountain of food onto two plates.

As I caught my breath again, Esme appeared in the doorway. I glanced at her face surprised by the level of tiredness I found there. Her mouth formed an 'o' shape but no words emerged. She was shocked by the state of the kitchen probably. Then her eyes rested on the table.

'It looks wonderful' she said smiling at the sight of Emmett shoving a whole croissant into his mouth. She must be so proud to call him her son. Rosalie shuffled into the kitchen, her massive bump taking up most of the room. I forced myself to watch as Emmett hastily stood up and pulled out a chair for her, holding her arms as she lowered herself onto it. He smoothed her long blond curls out of her face and kissed her tenderly on the nose before bending down to stroke and kiss her swollen belly. I had a sudden urge to run.

Esme turned her smile to me but I could see the sadness in her eyes. She fucking pities me, I realised.

'I'm sorry for last night' we both spoke at the same time and Esme chuckled at me. Thinking it was the first time I'd heard her actually laugh I took a deep breath. Time to suck it up.

'I think I'm ready Esme' she looked momentarily relieved but covered it well.

'Ok.' She smiled again. 'Tonight?' I could tell she was still unsure of my reaction, waiting for me to bolt like a deer caught in headlights. I thought back to the night I arrived with Carlisle. We'd pulled into the driveway and sat in the car in darkness for a few moments not sure what to say to each other.

'Esme's a good woman.' Carlisle had eventually spoken and I believed him now as much as I'd believed him then. She didn't know me from Adam, and yet she had taken me into her home no questions asked. And despite my, lets be honest here, fucking awful behaviour, she hadn't given up on me yet. I genuinely didn't know why.

I looked down at my flour covered clothes and realised I'd have to change before work. Out of nowhere Esme handed me another brand new suit, fully pressed and ready to go. Damn it that tab was growing significantly.

'It'll be fine Edward, we'll take it slowly.' She murmured. I nodded tensely not letting myself think about it too much, but at the same time I wondered if I'd be man enough to even take the first step.

BPOV

I took more time to dress myself the next day. My motives were simple. To make Alice proud and hopefully not shout at me about Edward. I chose a navy shirt dress below the knees accompanied with a white belt and white pumps. Even I couldn't get that wrong. I remembered to look quickly in the mirror this time, not wanting a repeat of yesterday. It didn't look awful I guess.

As usual my hair hated being restricted into a ponytail much preferring to flow freely, and who was I stop it. I saw out of the corner of my eye Jacob's face light up as I stopped fighting with it and left it down. 'Good idea' he muttered with that easy grin of his.

He loved my hair. We used to sit for hours together on the beach or just watching TV, and he would always play with my hair twirling locks around his fingers and usually sending me into a deep slumber. Who can resist that feeling of utter bliss? I blanched slightly as I realised I would never feel Jacob's hands threading through my hair again and instantly longed for it. The pain must have flashed across my face as Jake was suddenly right beside me.

'What is it Bells?' he asked me gently, 'Tell me what's wrong?' I clutched my stomach as if holding myself together and gradually felt the ache subside. I had Jacob here and it was more than I could ever wish for. The rest would fade in time. The agonizingly raw throb would go away, I was sure of it.

'I'm ok.' I smiled hoping to believe myself soon. 'I just miss you touching me.'

'I know Bella but I'm here baby.' He smiled back at me widely and I could see my Jacob. Kissing me on the beach when we were 13, getting frisky in the backseat of his truck at 15, taking me to prom at 17, turning up on my doorstep in phoenix with just a rucksack at 19 and getting down on one knee in our new kitchen at 21. I didn't want to forget one second of my life with Jake. These memories I would treasure forever.

I finished getting ready and gulped down the last of my coffee. Time to face another day. I hoped this one would prove to be better than yesterday, but then I always thought that about every day, and I was rarely rewarded. I briefly wondered what it felt like to be normal. To live a normal life, have normal friends and do normal things. I had no idea what those things were but I doubted they included talking to your dead fiancé and throwing yourself at strange angels.

Except now I knew he was real. I thought back to last night. As soon as I saw the name I panicked.

'Oh god Alice will kill me!' I shrieked. Only minutes before I'd promised her I would not have anything to do with her troubled brother and there I was practically jumping into his lap and purring at him.

'Calm down Bella, you're overreacting.'

I almost screamed again as Jacob reappeared in the seat next to me not in the least bit worried about where he'd gone for the last hour. _Get a hold of yourself Bella_, I mentally told myself, _I'm sure he had other things to do besides follow me around all day_. Oh my god… I was seriously losing it.

'Why are you frowning Bells?' he asked me, a small smile tweaking the corner of his mouth and I couldn't help but smile back at him, relieved that he hadn't disappeared for ever. A swell of grief lurched unexpectantly in my chest as I looked at him. I didn't deserve to have my Jacob back. He loved me unconditionally and now I had this gift and I was wasting our time with strangers. I didn't deserve his love.

I had known Jacob since I was born. His father was a good friend of my father's and I'd go with him to visit regularly. When Alice and I were old enough, the three of us were inseparable, and even though Jacob went to a different school we always hung out at weekends and holidays.

Jake had a crush on me as far back as I can remember. Pushing me in rock pools when we little, throwing seaweed at me when were a bit older and giving me his jumper when I was cold a bit older still. It was only when I moved away that I realised how much I missed him. I would wait impatiently for his calls just to have a little of Jacob in my life again.

The first time I went back to Forks to stay with Alice, it was summer and we were 13. I hadn't seen Jake for a whole year and I was nervous as hell. Emmett, drove us down to the reservation joking about how the big bad wolves of La Push weren't ready for us. I had to admit the polka dot mini Alice made me wear was bad enough, but the mascara and large bouffant hair was definitely scary.

It was the fashion, Alice swore at me with her identical beehive bobbing. 'You wanna look your best don't you?'

Jacob took one look at me and started laughing so hard he actually started crying. I tried to glare at him through my hair-sprayed bloodshot eyes. I was so mad right then. I decided to show him how grown up I really was and started sprinting towards the beach and the cliff jumping ledge.

Behind me I could hear Jacob laughing and calling out to me as he and Alice followed. When I reached our usual jump I swung a sharp right and continued to the path that led higher. No-one from our year had attempted this jump, we'd seen the older boys doing it but were forbidden from going that far by Jacob's dad and mine. There'd be hell to pay for this, but I didn't care.

I reached the top and had to steady myself as my foot slipped on a loose rock. My heart skipped into my throat and I caught a glimpse of the sea below. It was dark and heaving. The waves were rising and falling and surging against the rocks with sudden white sprays. I was debating with myself, letting the reality of the situation sink in and my rage grow weaker. Then I heard Jacob shout 'Bella no!'. The anger strengthened inside me and without another thought I flung myself off of the ledge.

My only thought as I plunged flailing through the air was that my dad would kill me if I died from this. My breath was thrust painfully out of my lungs as I hit the hard icy coldness of the water and I felt my skirt hitch all the way up to my waist from the force. I didn't think I would ever stop hurtling downwards, the swirling of the sea dragging my defeated body towards the bottom.

I started to panic that this time I'd really gone too far and there would be no coming back from this, when someone grabbed my arm and started pulling against me. Pushed into action I tried with all my might to kick my feet towards them. I could feel my chest starting to burn and my head becoming more and more fuzzy, but I didn't give up.

After what felt like eternity we pushed through the surface of the water taking in big gulping breaths as the waves slapped against my face and the bright light of the sun blinded me. Choking and spluttering I slowly realised Jacob was holding me very tightly round my waist keeping me afloat in the water. I could feel him against my bare thighs and stomach where my skirt had deserted me. My hair was flat against my head and I was sure the mascara had migrated to my cheeks, but he didn't laugh at me. He stared at me as if I was the most precious thing he owned and he softly pressed his lips to mine.

We were together ever since.

I started up the car and pulled out of the parking lot. I didn't know where I was going but I knew I didn't want to go back to that house yet. Usually I would have stayed on the bench for most of the evening, eventually too cold to brave it out longer. We drove around for a while reminiscing about our younger days and erasing Edward's incredible face from my mind.

I met up with Alice in the changing rooms at the hospital and she nodded appreciatively at my outfit, only quickly leaning in to remove a piece of fluff. I rolled my eyes at her back, used to Alice's perfectionism. This morning she was wearing a silk dress that swung around her legs and emphasised her petiteness. Alice was tiny. Not in an anorexic way like my bony hips and jutting rib cage, but in a perfectly toned way, like she had been sculpted out of marble. She had all the grace and elegance of a ballet dancer, while I had all the grace and elegance of a baby giraffe. I sometimes wondered how we ever became friends.

We quickly got changed and I felt strangely optimistic about the day. Jacob stuck close by me, smiling at my surprising good mood. Rounds passed without incident and I was able to answer my fair share of the questions without resorting to a panic attack. Jacob was impressed and would whoop embarrassingly every time I got it right. I was so glad I was the only one who could hear him.

At lunch Alice and I decided to venture out to the salad bar in the park and eat al fresco on the lush green. It was still sunny and as Jacob joined us on the grass I wished Alice could see him too. It was just like old times and it was so comforting I eagerly lapped up both their attentions.

Just as we were racing back giggling like schoolgirls because we were late, I felt someone watching me. My head instinctively turned and I saw my angel from last night leaning against the doorway to the therapy centre next to the hospital. My heart stopped beating either from the pure damn sight of him or the recollection that it was Edward and I wasn't supposed to know who he was. Alice turned at the same time and put her arm on mine as if to stop me.

'Look that's Edward' she whispered to me before calling out to him. I had been debating over telling her about meeting Edward last night but something told me it was too late now as she dragged me over to him.

Edward's eyes questioned me as we approached and I hoped he would read my mind and keep his beautiful mouth shut. I tried my best to avoid his gaze but my eyes fixed instead to the way his suit hugged his waist and thighs. Thinking that was a bad idea my vision moved upwards only to be distracted by the way his shirt hung from his broad chest and I wondered if his stomach was as flat as I imagined underneath. Oh dear god, I knew I was blushing fiercely. Where the hell did that come from?

'Edward this is Isabella Swan my best friend,' I tried to get my mind together and out of the gutter. Surely it would be written all over my face. 'Bella this is Edward…uh' she paused but Edward shook his head imperceptibly at her and she changed tack quickly. 'This is Edward my newly acquired brother' Alice smiled at us both looking pleased with her introduction but also warily as if expecting one of us to have a psychotic episode.

As politely as I could, I held out my hand praying it wouldn't be shaking, and tried to tone down my smile. 'Nice to meet you Edward' I said in my poshest voice, not sure if it was more for Alice's benefit or to make up for all the crazy Edward saw yesterday.

'Nice to meet you too..' he paused drawing me in with his velvety voice, 'Bella.' His chocolate eyes twinkled at me as he said my name and at the same time took my hand gently. I was captivated.

I tried to ignore the feel of his smooth palm against mine, or imagine those fingers working their way across my skin. I had to stop this or I would have to explain to Alice why her brother's touch sent me into sedative state. More quickly than I'd intended I withdrew my hand and smiled at Alice hoping she hadn't caught on. But I needn't have worried as she was backing away from Edward and pulling me along with her towards the hospital.

'Come on Bells we'll be late, see you later Edward' she called out behind her. I could feel Edward staring at my back but I didn't dare turn around to see the expression on his face. Maybe it was for the best he would be pissed at me for brushing him off like that. Alice would be happy and I could get back to being with Jacob, who was being quite distant again I realised glancing around me.

When the day ended I quickly showered and dressed, not entirely sure what the hurry was about. Alice came up behind me as I was brushing out my hair.

'Soooooooo, about tomorrow…'

'Yes I know!' I interrupted not wanting to bring a certain person into the conversation. Jacob had been waiting in the changing rooms after lunch and I felt bad about the whole thing even if nothing did happen. 'I'll be there.' I reassured her at the same time thinking of a suitable excuse not to go.

'It's just a small gathering' she tried but I knew Alice and her parties were never small. The last party Alice threw was Emmett's 26th birthday party a few months back. She'd hired an actual circus big top, complete with trapeze artists, clowns, strong men and other street performers. There were fireworks at midnight and Jasper's band had played everyone well into the early hours. It was so notorious that it featured in the Washington Post and people were talking about it for weeks afterwards. I didn't see most of it, instead I sat and played cards with Carlisle and Rosalie, who cheats shamelessly. I raised my eyebrows to show I didn't believe her but she just shrugged back at me applying lip gloss in the mirror. 'And if Edward's in a bad mood just ignore him, he's still adjusting.' She continued and I wondered why she made so many excuses for him.

She kissed my cheek leaving a sticky residue of gloss on my skin and practically ran out the door mentioning something about meeting Jasper at his band practice. Suddenly I was left alone with my thoughts, and Jacob.

'Have you ok'd your outfit with Alice yet?' Jacob asked teasing as I picked up my things ready to go.

'I don't need to run everything by miss perfection you know' I shot back, but even I knew I would get a phone call tonight from Alice saying 'So what are you wearing?'

He chuckled at me and I wished I could hit him just once.

We exited the hospital doors and my eyes immediately sought out the bench. He wasn't there. I should have been happy about this. I should be happy that I could sit and talk to Jacob for hours like we used to before he came along. But I realised I didn't, and as I felt the drizzle beginning pick up speed all I wanted was to climb into my bed and succumb to a deep numbing sleep. Not wanting to think about my motives, I walked back into the hospital and up to the intern changing rooms. I opened my locker and pulled out the tub of pills Alice had given me for emergencies and shoved it into my bag. I hadn't done this in a long time and I noticed Jacob looking disapprovingly at me.

'I need to.' I said to him by way of explanation. I didn't feeling like looking too hard into the reasons why.

When I got home, I took four pills, enough to knock out a small donkey and climbed into bed. The last thing I saw before the darkness overcame me, was Jacob's smiling face watching protectively over me and I just felt that little bit safer.


	4. Chapter 4

EPOV

I realised I was watching the door as I saw Alice leave without her. That was a revelation I wasn't expecting, Bella was Alice's friend. I smiled at the memory of Bella that afternoon as she politely shook my hand and tried to pretend she'd never laid eyes on me. But I'd seen her pulse quicken at her delicate throat and caught the barely noticeable intake of breath as our skin made contact. She was doing a good job of ignoring me up until that point. Even more interesting was the fact that she clearly didn't want Alice to know we'd met previously. For a split second the thought that she knew everything flashed in my mind, but something told me Alice prided herself on credibility. The whole family was nothing if not supportive and respectful. I hoped I could make good one day and be counted among them as a Cullen.

I was stood outside the therapy centre fighting with my conscience over the right thing to do. I should go back to the house and forget all about this intriguing woman who kept drawing me to her. But what I wanted to do was to cross the road and wait for her by the bench. I wanted to see her smile at me, I wanted to smell her hair, I wanted to hold her hand again. God I was pathetic, She'd already made it more than clear she wanted nothing to do with me, and really I couldn't fucking blame her.

Pushing myself off the wall, I decided to leave before she came out of those doors and knocked my ego further off the shelf. I didn't need reminding how useless I was. There was one hell of an indication of that fact sitting right back at the mansion waiting for me.

I drove home the long way, loving the long winding roads and taking advantage of the lack of cars. When I squealed into the drive, sending gravel flying in all directions, I was immediately thankful Carlisle was not home yet. I doubted he would have appreciated a thousand tiny scratch marks on his brand new shiny motor. I turned off the engine and just sat in the car taking deep breaths and calming myself down. Time to face the music.

As I opened the front door I could hear voices coming from the lounge, Esme and Rosalie. I could feel my heart starting to pound and my mouth was instantly dry. I needed a drink first and decided to head for the kitchen.

'Is that you Edward?' I heard Esme call out and I froze in my tracks. _Stop being such a pussy_, I told myself, _get it the hell over with_. I turned back to the lounge and took in a large lungful of air.

Rosalie was sat on the sofa rubbing her distended belly and smiling at me. I felt sick, nausea hit me in the pit of my stomach. What was I doing? I looked around the room, anywhere but at her. The warm beige walls did nothing to ease my misery and I swear I felt my heart fucking skip a couple of beats as my gaze finally came to rest on Esme. She was smiling at me encouragingly. In that moment she looked like the ultimate fairy godmother and the devil's wife all in one.

'Would you like to see her?' I barely registered Esme's question. I felt like I was about to have an outer body experience. My vision was tunnelling and I was feeling dangerously light headed. She sounded muffled as if she was talking from the other side of a door. I realised I was losing my grip on consciousness. Any minute now I would float out of this body and watch the squirming idiot below continually fuck up his life.

I suddenly realised I was staring at her. At the hopeful expression on her face. At the tiny bundle in her arms. All too quickly I stopped floating and slammed into my own body with enough force to propel me forwards. Before I knew what I was doing I was leaning over Esme and looking into the face of my sleeping 6 week old daughter.

Abruptly I had a flashback of lying on the cold tiled floor of my bathroom in Fairbanks, Alaska. I had vomited all over myself before I could get to the toilet in time but I was too drunk to care. I just lay there, numb, empty and wishing someone would take care of this fucking mess.

She was right. I hadn't believed her for one second but she was right. The paternity test confirmed my DNA was a match. Tanya was dead, and in a few hours I'd be assigned legal custody. It was all too much. There must be some mistake, was all I kept naively thinking. If only I hadn't screwed around with her, she wouldn't have fucking ruined my life.

Carlisle appeared in my bathroom doorway. I momentarily wondered how the hell he'd got in my apartment, but I couldn't even lift my head. Without warning he grabbed my arms and was dragging me upright pulling off my sweatshirt in a single motion. He began running the shower with one hand as he held me up with the other. He still hadn't said a word to me but I could see the fury behind his eyes and in the tightness of his jaw.

Still holding me vertical, he bent down and removed my blood splattered trainers throwing them in a pile with my jumper near the door. He yanked at my belt and then wrenched down my trousers and boxers in one go. I had nothing left not even shame. A joke registered somewhere in my drunken stupor about not knowing each other long enough for that kind of thing. Reflexively I must have smiled. Suddenly Carlisle's fist was flying past my head into the dry wall behind me. 'Be a fucking man.' He spat into my stunned face. Then he shoved me hard into the stream of arctic water gushing from my shower and stormed from the room taking my clothes with him.

It took a few moments before the icy needles began to penetrate my boozy haze. I instantly felt like shit. I turned off the water and grabbed a towel from the rack by the sink. I walked into my bedroom and dressed slowly in sweat pants and a clean fleece. It was below freezing out there today. Carlisle was sat patiently on the sofa as I entered the lounge area of my apartment. He looked up at me and then his gaze shifted to the empty bottle of Jack I'd gulped as soon as I'd got home from the hospital. Carlisle was not happy with me, by the look on his face and the hole in my bathroom wall, I had come to that conclusion.

'Sit down.' He ordered me and I didn't feel the need to disobey. My legs were like jelly and my stomach was threatening another round of race to the bathroom before you pebble dash another jumper.

This felt like a nightmare. Why wouldn't he wake me up now? 'I don't know what to do.' My voice sounded small and frightened and I was shocked it had come out of my mouth.

'Do you want me to tell you?' his voice had softened slightly, there was no longer an edge of unpleasantness to it. I nodded at him hoping he had a magic fucking wand I hadn't spied yet. 'Ok.' He continued, 'You are going to grow up quick and you are going to grow up now. You have a big decision to make. There's a tiny life waiting for you to make up your mind. It's your choice Edward and only you can make it.'

No fucking wand. Right then I was blinded by anger. I'd had nothing but shit in my life. Things got thrown at me and I had dealt with them. 'I never asked for this.' I yelled at him ready for a argument about how I had actually asked for it by fucking her in the first place. But Carlisle said nothing. He stood up from the sofa and looked me right in the eyes.

'Son, life rarely goes to fucking plan.' And he walked out of my apartment.

I'd sat there mulling over his words wondering if he was talking about me ruining his life. But then I heard what he said again. I'd called him out of the blue and announced he was my father. Had Carlisle picked up the closest bottle of whiskey and sank it to the bottom or had he booked a flight on the next plane out here to come help me when I needed it most. I felt truly ashamed, no wonder he was so disappointed in me.

I stared at the baby in Esme's arms and felt my heart constrict. How did she get so big? She was all pink and glowy and I wondered how I had kept away from her for so long.

Denial has a strong fucking current and it had pulled me right under. For the 3 blissfully unaware days after the incident, I had strongly emphasized I had nothing to do with that baby. I went back to my apartment and buried my fucking head. I drank and drank until I couldn't even remember my own name let alone the events of the past week. Carlisle would come to see me, give me updates. Not that I listened. It wasn't my responsibility, what did I care? I vaguely remembered him saying something about a test that would prove who the father was. Gladly I gave him a blood sample, so fucking sure of myself.

Day 4 came and we were called into the hospital for the results. I think I even smiled, relieved to be getting this away from me so I could get on with my life. The consultant led us to his plush office and we both sat down in the comfy leather chairs. They do it on purpose, make you feel all safe and secure and then rip your life out from under you.

'Edward it is a match, you can have full custody. There were no relatives traced.'

I don't recall leaving the office, I don't recollect walking to the store. I couldn't even call to mind how I got back to my apartment. I just remember the cold hard floor and the rancid smell of vomit.

Those days seemed so far away now although in reality it was only a few weeks. Looking at her now all snuggled up cosy and content, I couldn't imagine not allowing her this life. She had a loving family, she had a good home and she was given the best that money could buy. I'd say she was doing pretty well.

It was really late by the time I got up the nerve to approach the hospital. I followed the signs to SCBU – Special Care Baby Unit. There was a burly looking nurse at the door and I almost walked right past, but she'd clocked me and seemed to recognise my face. She held the door open for me and gave me a sad smile, I guess meant for my tragic loss, I almost snorted in her face.

'Third on the left.' She pointed out for me. I looked around at the rows and rows of miniature cribs. I'd not been here before. At first she had gone to NICU – Neonatal Intensive Care Unit. When I'd seen her there a few hours after she'd been born, I could barely look at her. She had wires attached all over her tiny frame, there was a tube coming out of her nose that was plastered to her face. Her body was small and shrivelled and had a yellow tinge to it. And she was encased in a see through box. I had to hold on to Carlisle to stop myself from bolting and I realised after everything that I'd just seen, now I was fucking shaking.

She was there a couple of days to make sure she was capable of maintaining her own body temperature and her lungs were fully functional. Carlisle told me that. So she wouldn't die I thought was closer to the truth. But she proved me wrong. Dragged into the world at 34 weeks, only 4.2lbs. Now just 4 days later, a perfectly healthy baby.

'No jaundice, no heart defects, fully developed, breathing on her own and feeding from a bottle. A's and B's completely gone.' Carlisle read her chart to me and if I wasn't mistaken sounded proud as hell. Apparently premature babies have episodes of Apnoea, when their breathing stops suddenly and Bradycardia, slow heart rate. They grow out of it and when that happens they can move to SCBU. I guess some of Carlisle's lectures did sink in.

Now as I approached her in her tiny plastic crib, I felt nervous and unsure. I sat down quietly on the seat beside it and stared at the tiny body inside. I watched her rib cage rise and fall with each breath fearing that if I looked away it might stop. The night nurses moved around me checking each little body and writing furiously on charts. It was her turn next. The nurse attached a tiny clip to her unbelievably small toe and a monitor started beeping in her hand. She scribbled something on her chart and I couldn't help giving her a pointed look.

The nurse smiled continuing her checks, 'She's a little miracle, this one.'

I wasn't sure how to respond to that. I'd spent the last 4 days hating her very existence. Realising I was staring at her she put down the clipboard.

'Pre-term babies aren't prepared for the outside world. Traumatic birth babies aren't prepared for the dangerous conditions they are suddenly put under. Men aren't prepared to be a dad on their own.' I leaned my head to one side wondering what the hell she was getting at. 'This fearless little soldier has learnt very quickly to cope with everything that has been thrown at her. She learnt to breathe on her own, she learnt to feed without her mother and she has learnt to survive. On her own.' She finished her checks and moved on to the next crib. I was stunned. My ass had just been handed to me by a nurse.

Feeling pretty stupid and insignificant I stared at the tiny one still sleeping, blissfully unaware of the turmoil her very existence was causing around her. I leaned closer to the crib and spoke in a soft voice hoping she would know how much I meant what I was going to say.

'I'm sorry.' I swallowed thickly feeling tears pricking at my eyes. I hadn't cried in so long it felt a bit foreign to me. 'I'm sorry you lost your mom, I'm sorry I haven't been here for you,' the tears were now flowing down my cheeks unreservedly. 'I'm sorry your short life has been painful so far. I'm sorry I can't give you what you need right now. I just hope you can forgive me.' And as I stared down at this gutsy girl who hadn't asked for this either, I felt the need to connect with her. I looked around me for someone to tell me if I could touch her, she looked so delicate still. The kick ass nurse from earlier appeared at my side. I hoped to God she hadn't been eavesdropping on me.

'Here you can hold her.' She said as she took a blanket wrapping it around her tiny frame and placed her in my awkward arms. As soon as she touched me her little body stiffened and she let out an anguished high-pitched wail. I almost dropped her. The nurse sensing my distress took her back rocking her against her shoulder. 'It's ok..' she started but I'd seen her face. The baby hated me; she couldn't even stand to be held by me. Irrationally I wondered if she blamed me for what happened to her mother. Before I could inflict any more suffering I ran out of the ward and back to my apartment.

In the days that followed Carlisle did his best to persuade me to visit her again. I couldn't shake the feeling that she saw right through me and just like her mother, came to the conclusion I was not fucking good enough.

I'd hit rock bottom, I didn't think I could stand any more rejection. Carlisle was pacing the apartment trying to argue with me about finding a job and getting back on my feet again. I couldn't make him understand that didn't give a shit anymore, I just wanted to rot in hell.

'Well, its true the apple doesn't fall far from the tree does it?' I stared at him not quite sure I'd heard him properly. And then it clicked. I realised I'd become what I feared most. Worthless, feeble, and blaming everyone but myself. I'd turned into my mother.

Then I cracked. I fell to the floor on my knees and I cried until my throat was sore. After that I made a deal with Carlisle. He wanted me to go with him to live in Forks with the baby. He knew of a job I was qualified for and he would pay my expenses until I could sort myself out. In return I had to try to reconcile with my daughter. I agreed to his terms. Even if I couldn't hold up my side of the bargain, I could make sure she had everything she deserved.

Three weeks after she was born, Carlisle picked her up from the hospital.

Now she was 6 weeks old and I still couldn't even go near her, touch her or even speak to her. She scared me more than fucking anything.

Everyone had loved her on sight and Esme took on the role of temporary mum, even staying up through the night with her when she cried for a feed. I couldn't block it out and often got no sleep because of it. That was also partly due the knowing guilt that surfaced every time I thought about her. Esme was always trying her best to encourage me to face my nemesis as I tried my best to delay the inevitable. Rosalie couldn't get enough of her and I often glimpsed the baby lying across her tummy as they both slept in the rocking chair. Emmett was constantly rocking her to sleep around the house as he did whatever the hell Emmett did except wander around with no shirt on. It hurt my ego no end and it made Rosalie cry every time.

Alice and Jasper made a fuss of her but I noticed with amusement, shied away from baby duties such as diaper changing or feeding. Alice did buy her a whole new baby wardrobe though and hi-spec baby equipment kept appearing around the house.

I still couldn't take my eyes from her peaceful face.

'She's not screaming.' Rosalie pointed out and I had to agree with her although I didn't think it'd be long.

'Do you want to try holding her?' Esme asked me and my instincts screamed NO. What if she screamed again? What if she never let me hold her? Suddenly I was determined.

'Ok give her to me.' I was fighting every nerve in my body that told me to make a fucking break for it. This time though it might be different. I held out my hands as Esme showed she and me slowly lowered her into my arms. My breath caught in my throat as I waited for her reaction. She started to wriggle as if sensing she had been moved and her little face screwed up tight before howling as if I'd mortally offended her. My heart dropped and I looked to Esme. Panic overwhelmed me and I shoved the baby back at her.

'I'm sorry Edward.' Esme called as I stalked from the room. 'She needs to get used to you.'

I chuckled darkly as I headed for my room. Yeah right, that baby needs me like a fucking brain haemorrhage.


	5. Chapter 5

BPOV

I stepped out of the shower feeling better than I had I ages. The drugs were awesome. I had slept the peaceful slumber of a princess, the nightmares only creeping upon me when the medication started to wear off. This time Emmett was there too. I had tried to stop the blood gushing from his head as Jacob's vacant eyes watched me, mocking my efforts. But it wasn't enough; I couldn't save him, just as I couldn't save Jacob or my parents. I'd woken screaming, the vision of the four of them staring at me with cold dead eyes still foremost in my mind. Jake was beside me sitting cross-legged on the bed. He smiled at me as if he saw my dreams too.

Then he started talking to me, about the first time we had gone away on our own. Just the two of us, camping in the forest. I had been scared as hell, convinced that every little noise was a jaguar coming to eat us. Jacob hadn't laughed at me but had held my hand and started singing silly songs wanting me to join in. By the time daylight came we were hysterical with laughter, and giddy with sleep deprivation, but I'd forgotten about the jaguar. That morning we packed up our tent and checked into a motel for the rest of our holiday. We were still laughing at the memories as the sun started streaming through the bedroom window. It was going to be a nice day I thought smiling to myself.

The phone rang as I was squeezing the droplets from my hair with a towel. I looked at the caller ID wondering who would be phoning me this early on a Saturday. Alice. I flipped open the phone anxiously, my heart picking up speed.

'Alice?' I asked her my voice a little squeaky with panic.

'So what are you wearing?' My heart instantly stopped it's thrashing in my chest. Jacob was right, as usual. I should have known better. I stuck my tongue out at him and he smiled victoriously from the other side of the room. I had no idea what I was going to wear, but I guessed Alice understood my wardrobe better than I did.

'What do you think?' I prompted her, knowing full well she already had an outfit in mind. I couldn't complain, I was hopeless at this stuff. Judging social occasions was not my thing, if it was left down to me I'd be that person wearing a taco costume to a black tie event. I was glad I had Alice.

'Ok I was thinking, those dark blue skinny jeans with that pale green sleeveless baby-doll top with the large bow on the front. Those gorgeous white wedge heels you've got and the white three quarter sleeved bolero. Keep the hair down and natural and just a hint of blush and gloss.' Yeah she hadn't thought about it much at all.

'Alice its just a barbeque do I have to wear heels?' I rolled my eyes as Alice giggled into the phone.

'You're so funny Bella.' She snorted. 'Gotta run, see you later, don't be late.' And I was left listening to a dialling tone.

Sighing I put down the phone and flung open my wardrobe staring mindlessly into it's depths, and wondering why I let Alice talk me into buying so many clothes. I already knew the answer to that one and a million others like it, because it made her happy, and I'd do anything if it made her happy. Including staying away from Edward. I'd decided I would be well-mannered and civil, but I would not encourage any attempts at touching or massaging or talking, and maybe even looking come to think of it. I didn't want to cause trouble with Edward, I did enough of that by myself. And not that I was so conceited I thought that he'd want to cause trouble with me. I wasn't stunning like Alice or Rosalie, I didn't know any good jokes, and I had a habit of being a bit mental. All things considered, I'd be the last person at this party Edward would even want to hang out with. So, I would be the epitome of a best friend and do as Alice requested. But I had to ask myself why I had to try so hard to stay away from him, and why the thought of causing trouble with Edward had put a great big smile on my face.

I managed to find most of the specified items in my wardrobe much to my surprise. I just had to find those stupid heels. Boldly I thought about wearing my comfy trainers, but I knew deep down I'd never hear the end of it from Alice, so I started searching all the places shoes shouldn't be. Under the bed, airing cupboard, behind the fridge, dvd cabinet, the car. No suck luck.

'What about opening some of those boxes.' Jacob suggested casually. I looked at him like he'd grown two heads. 'You have to open them sometime Bella.' I couldn't believe he was saying this to me. The one person I thought would understand.

'And what the hell would you know about it Jacob?' I shouted, angry that he would push me into something I wasn't ready for. 'Do you even know what it feels like to be left here on your own? Expected to just pick up the pieces and move on. Do you know what I went through after you left me? Do you even care?' I knew it was mean but I wanted to hurt him a little, make him feel some of this torture I carried on a daily basis.

'Bella please, of course I know. That's why I'm here. I only want you to be happy. I hated seeing you the way you were, I love you so much I had to be with you somehow. This is all I've got.' I saw the sadness in Jacob's face and I wanted so badly to reach out and stroke his cheek. I wondered if it was actually possible, if all this time we'd just not been trying hard enough. I took a step towards him and my hand instinctively lifted. I was praying with every part of my soul that I could really do this, that he was real and that I wasn't going crazy. Jacob smiled at me as he realised what I wanted. He lifted his hand in line with mine and I felt the air stir in front of my palm. Concentrating as hard as I knew how, I leaned towards him.

Everything around me vanished, I could hear nothing except the steady sound of my breathing and the continual thud of my heart. Time stood still. My eyes fluttered closed. We were so close I could feel it. The atmosphere around us felt different, as if we were no longer stood in my room. Just as I was about to close the gap between our hands I heard Jacob whisper.

'Bella no.' My eyes flew open and I frowned at the sight of Jacob on the other side of the room. He looked in pain. The anguish was written across his face.

'What is it? What did I do?' I was concerned I'd hurt him somehow.

His face instantly composed and he shrugged at me saying dismissively 'It's not the right time yet, Bells.' His easy smile returned, as if nothing had happened. But I was not convinced. We almost touched. I'd almost felt his hand against mine, and I'd wanted that for so fucking long.

I narrowed my eyes at him, my hands on impulse moving to my hips. 'Fine.' I bit out tersely. 'Have it your way.' And I shoved my feet into the nearest pair of shoes and stalked out to the car, slamming the door shut behind me. I wasn't too sure who's benefit the hissy fit was for but it felt good, no it felt great and so I continued it all the way to Alice's.

'Bella.' Jacob pleaded, 'Come on Bells.' He at least had the decency to sound sorry now that I'd ignored him for the last 20 minutes. 'Just look at me please. You can't ignore me forever'

'Wanna bet.' I snort-exaggerated and swung my head to glare at him, almost ploughing into a row of trees on the side of the road. With far too much speed I swung into the Cullen's driveway and slammed on the breaks beside what I recognised to be Edward's shiny Volvo.

'Let me ask you one question Jacob Black. You and me,' I pointed at us both to emphasis my point. 'We almost touched back there. We almost touched and you stopped us.'

Jacob looked at me seriously 'Bella none of those were questions.'

'Very funny Jacob.' I said as sarcastic as I had the effort to be. I'd had enough. Without a second look, I got out of the car and stomped my way to the front door, hearing Jacob still chuckling to himself as I rang the doorbell. Alice opened it with a flourish, her smile instantly vanishing as she took in my murderous expression. Behind her Edward was standing in the hallway, curiously his features mirrored my own. Well I was glad he was still pissed at me, I wouldn't have to keep making excuses to avoid him and that was just fine by me. I threw him a look that I hoped said, 'don't fucking mess with me today or I might just chop your balls off,' and he seemed to get the message loud and clear as his face darkened in response. By the time I'd hung my jacket up and straightened my top, he'd disappeared.

'Bella you are coming with me right now.' Alice hissed in my ear as she took my hand, dragged me up the stairs and down to her room. Once inside she leaned against the door and eyed me coolly. As usual Alice's enormous room was pristine. The generous heart shaped bed looked almost lost in its vastness. The walls were painted hot pink but less trailer trash and more high fashion. Her floor to ceiling mirrors hid the treasure trove that was Alice's wardrobe, and reflected the gardens and the forest that lay beyond them. The carpet was white and impossibly soft, the kind you wouldn't mind curling up and sleeping on. Off to the right was an en-suite bathroom with facilities that put most spa centres to shame, and to the left was Alice's dressing room. Complete with an oversized 1950's authentic French dressing table in white and the biggest collection of accessories I even knew existed.

'What's wrong?' she asked squinting at me as if she could somehow read my mind that way.

'Nothing's wrong.' I tried to sound chirpy as I stared hard at Jacob who was stood next to her. He was smiling at me triumphantly with his arms crossed over his chest. I wondered what he had to be so damn smug about.

'Nothing's wrong?' Alice repeated slowly and a slightly high pitched, as if talking to a mental patient, 'Are you sure?' I briefly thought about telling her that actually no, I wasn't sure. I wasn't sure about anything anymore, especially my ability to see, hear and possibly touch dead people. But I was fairly certain she'd have me committed if I tried that one, so instead I just nodded at her. 'Good. Then can you explain to me what the hell you are wearing on your feet?'

I looked down at my feet, cringing in disbelief as I saw my old comfy fluffy bunny slippers sticking out from under my jeans and I couldn't help it. I started to laugh. I looked at Alice's panic stricken face and I started to howl with laughter. Jacob was chuckling beside her with a knowing glint in his eye.

'Why didn't you say anything!' I choked out at him accusingly without even thinking.

Luckily Alice thought I was talking to her and replied. 'Because I didn't want to draw attention to you and for people to think you were weird!' and that made me double up even more, my stomach cramping as I fought to take a breath. Here I was arguing with my dead fiancé that no-one else can see or hear and Alice was trying to stop people thinking I wasn't crazy. It was too much to bear. Tears were streaming down my face as I collapsed onto the floor, no longer able to stand. I could see Alice standing by the door with her mouth open as she watched me rolling around her carpet powerless to stop myself as wild guffaws escaped me. Then as if someone had shocked her into life, she started to smile at me. A huge beaming smile lit up her face as she began to giggle a little bit, and a bit more until she was laughing along with me. Every time our eyes met we would squeal at each other until my sides were sore and I'd forgotten what it was we were laughing about. Eventually our hysterics turned into loud sighs and we composed ourselves sat on the floor of Alice's bedroom back to back.

'It's nice to have you back Bella.' Alice said quietly squeezing my hand in hers. The sentiment tugged at my heart. I felt guilty I had spent so much time with Jacob and not enough time here with my best friend. I squeezed her hand back as I made a promise to myself to see Alice more.

'Come on you,' she stood up and hauled me to my feet. 'Lets go raid Rosalie's shoe closet, she's your size.'

EPOV

Why did I agree to this stupid barbeque? I clearly needed my head examining. It was Alice's fault I decided. She sounded so excited when she asked me if she could arrange it that I just couldn't say no. She had that effect on me. I felt sorry for her kid boyfriend, he didn't have a hope in hell. And now Bella was coming too. I wasn't too sure how I felt about that.

I'd woken this morning thrashing and tangled in my sheets, and dripping with sweat. The vividly real dream I'd been having was still etched onto my eyeballs. It was not as bad as the actual nightmares but it still left me cold and unsure. Alice and Bella were in it except they were standing in front of me laughing at me while I tried to hold onto a thrashing baby. The baby's face was red from exertion and she was still screaming and screaming, trying to kick her way out of my arms. I could barely keep my grip on her. Then Tanya appears and she drifts over to me with a cruel smile on her gaunt face, and steals the baby from my arms. There wasn't a thing I could do to stop her. She walks over to the other two and all of them stand there pointing and laughing at me while I struggle helplessly. I was backed into a corner. Then I looked down at myself and noticed I was stark bollock naked. It was unbearable, I truly wished I would die right then but I just had to stand there and watch them humiliating me.

The whole thing made me feel really on edge. I'd snuck into the nursery Esme had put together with Alice's help, suddenly needing to check she was still there. The pink room was big enough that I could sit the other side of it and not actually disturb her. I looked around me at the fancy pink lace curtains, the white canopy cot, the elaborate dancing murals painted onto the walls. I could never have given her this. I would have barely had enough to feed us both back in Alaska.

After just scraping a pass at college, I had to swiftly abandon all my previous career ideas. I had kicked Tanya out a month before my exams, giving me time to pull it back, just. The fights and the drinking were taking their toll on my course work and I was in danger of failing the whole damn thing. It didn't last long though as weeks later I opened my door to see her collapsed outside my apartment. It had been snowing outside and she was covered in slush where she'd obviously been laying on the ground. Her cropped hair was greasy and clung to her head and her skin looked grey as if she hadn't been outside in weeks. I could smell the alcohol coming off her in waves. I picked her up and dragged her sorry ass inside, stripping off her soaking clothes. Quickly I dressing her in one of my sweatshirts and trousers and I tried not to look at the bones sticking painfully out of her skin, or at the white lines scattered down her arms and thighs.. She'd started crying by that point but I was so tired of this game that I refused to be drawn into it. Eventually she would stop. I lay my head back on the sofa and was just dozing off when she said it.

'I'm pregnant.' My head snapped up to look at her, searching her face for any signs of truth.

'So?' She was a liar and a fucking good one at that. She wasn't pregnant.

'It's yours Edward.' And she burst into a fresh round of sobbing. 'I've got nowhere else to go.' I understood then, she was trying it on to get a roof over her head and enough money to fund her alcohol abuse. She was a parasite and I wanted nothing more to do with her.

'I don't fucking believe you.' I said very calmly contradicting the anger I felt scorching my insides. 'Go and try some other poor bastard Tanya, you're not staying.' Keeping my emotions in check, I tried to lift her off my sofa. Never more so than now did I want her gone from my life.

'No Edward. Please!' She screeched at me trying to loosen my grip on her arms, 'It's the truth, I'll take another test to prove it to you I promise.' I stopped wrestling her out the door and laughed cruelly right in her face. She reeled back from the force of my rejection.

'You don't fucking know the meaning of the word.' and dropped her on the floor where we stood. I walked to the door and opened it not turning my back to her for a second, there was no telling what the crazy bitch would try next. 'Get out.' She didn't move, just started crying pathetically, tears and snot running down her chin. 'GET OUT!' I yelled at her. She stared at me stunned by my outrage. After everything she'd done to me I'd never once raised my voice to her, but this time she pushed me too far. I moved a step towards her and she stood up quickly almost toppling over the coffee table in the middle of the room.

'Please Edward.' She whispered, but I was done with her. I grabbed her arm and pulled her to the door, shoving her outside where she fell again in the wet snow. Slamming the door I locked it firmly, and slid to the floor to wait until she left.

Eventually the sounds of her sobbing and pleading for me to open the door stopped. Stupidly I thought that would be the last of it. A few nights later she appeared again, this time holding a little white and blue stick like it was .

'It's a pregnancy test.' She smiled at me triumphantly.

'So what?' I asked her, thinking I might have to leave town sooner than I'd planned.

'It's proof. I just have to borrow your bathroom..'

'No.'

She threw me a look that said she wasn't giving up that easy, and then began pulling down her trousers in the middle of the fucking street.

'What the hell are you doing?' I asked her shock and fury in my voice as she started squatting.

'Peeing.' She answered me matter of factly.

'Get the fuck in here.' She instantly stood and pulled up her pants with a smug grin as I moved aside for her to come in. She walked to the bathroom and emerged a few moments later clutching the small white stick. I wouldn't let her sit down as she waited for it to tell her what I didn't want to hear. It was positive.

She moved back in that evening on the understanding that as soon as she got a job and an apartment she was on her own. I got myself a job at the local gas station, it wasn't Hollywood like I'd dreamed of but it paid the ever increasing bills. The thing couldn't be mine. She'd probably slept with half the town by then, what were the chances? And even though I hated the very sight of her I knew she had nowhere to go and no-one to turn to. I shouldn't have given a flying fuck about it but I couldn't bring myself to throw her out again. What sort of person would I be if I turned my back on a pregnant woman?

I was certain she would straighten out and find herself some work, and I was convinced that baby wasn't mine. Funny how I was wrong on every account.

Her tiny breaths were magnified in the silence and it eased my thudding heart slightly. The smell of baby powder, and something I couldn't name, was intoxicating. I found I could breathe easier in this room. Although I couldn't stay too long, she might wake up and realise I was here. The thought made me feel empty and lost instead of the raw panic I usually felt. Why couldn't she just let me be around her?

It occurred to me that she had probably heard every argument, every insult, every word screamed in anger. She was there the whole time, why wouldn't she remember everything? If I blamed myself for what happened then I couldn't really be surprised if she did too. After all she was part of her mother, as much as it tore me apart to say it, and for that reason alone I wasn't convinced she would ever forgive me.

As I was getting up to leave, a figure appeared in the doorway to the nursery. I recognised the confident stance instantly. Carlisle stood in front of me wearing dark sweat pants and a plain white t-shirt, his normally neat blond hair sticking out to one side. He walked past me and sat down in one of the chairs I'd just been sitting in. Unsure whether to leave or stay I hovered nervously to one side of the room, still keeping as far away from the cot as possible.

'I just came to check on her.' He whispered looking across the room. 'How are you doing?'

I thought about lying and telling him I was just fine, but something told me he wouldn't buy that, so I sat back down slowly, thinking about how I really felt. 'I don't know.' I told him, it was the truth.

Carlisle nodded in the darkness beside me. We didn't say anything for a long while, just sat there quietly and watched her sleep. I was surprised I felt so at ease with him like this. I'd come to learn that Carlisle's generosity knew no bounds. Even after all the shit I'd put him through in the last few months, he was still on my side. I couldn't work out what I'd done to deserve it but I wasn't complaining.

'We don't always know what we are doing Edward. As parent's we have to act like we do and it's invigorating and terrifying all at once.' The tone of his voice was soothing. I listened carefully to his words and let him continue. 'I remember when Emmett was a baby and he was just standing on his own. One day he took a step forwards and fell over his fire truck hitting his head on the corner of the coffee table. He had to have three stitches and Esme wouldn't put him down for weeks. But eventually you have to let them go. You have to let them take those steps knowing they could hurt themselves but ultimately learn something great. When Alice took her first steps we thought we were prepared, everything was covered in bubble wrap and she still managed to shut her own fingers in the kitchen door.' Not knowing how to respond to this, I kept quiet, focusing on the tiny breaths in the corner.

'Edward what I am trying to say is, knowing is better than wondering, doing is better than thinking and even the biggest failure beat the hell out of never trying.' Carlisle got up and put his hand on my shoulder, the heat from his skin a comforting contrast to my own. He had so much faith in me it was truly frightening.

'I wish it was easier.' I whispered, feeling like I'd let him down already.

'We don't wish for the easy stuff Son.' He whispered in return and he left me sitting in the darkness considering possibilities I could only hope for in my nightmares.

After I got dressed I made my way down to the kitchen and started on breakfast. I was just flipping the pancakes when Emmett walked in yawning and stretching his arms above his head. As usual he was only wearing shorts.

'Hey dude, why are you up already?' he asked me taking a chair and helping himself to a muffin I'd just pulled out of the oven.

'Couldn't sleep. You?' I shrugged and turned to face him as I lay a full plate of pancakes on the table in front of us.

Emmett had polished off his muffin and was reaching for another when he saw the pancakes and changed his mind. 'Rosalie's throwing up again.' He made a face before shoving a pancake whole into his mouth. 'Thought she was past all that y'know?'

Not wanting to have this conversation with him I shrugged again and changed the subject. 'Do you know who's coming to this thing today?' I was also a little worried Alice had gone overboard on the invites, as I'd heard rumours about Emmett's last birthday. Today I was pretty sure I was not going to be at my most charming. Two hours of sleep and a handful of disturbing dreams tended to make my moods plummet.

'Just family bro.' I must have looked confused as Emmett sighed exasperatedly and reeled off the list of names. 'Me, Rosie, Carlisle, Esme and Little tyke,' so called because I hadn't named her yet. Apparently that was my decision and Carlisle would not allow anyone else to do it. Trouble was, I didn't have one fucking idea how to name a real live person. Surely that was a really big deal and down to someone more qualified? What if I gave her a really crappy name and she was bullied for life? The pressure was too much. It was irrelevant anyway as I had yet to get near the child let alone name it. Emmett continued 'Alice, Jasper and Bella.'

I flinched at the last name, the vision of them all laughing at me was still fresh in my mind. I could still see Tanya's taunting smile as she held the little girl in her arms away from me and it made me feel slightly sick. She poisoned everything she touched and I was more than a little pissed off she was still affecting my life now.

'Uh there's something you should know dude.' He coughed suddenly as if to get my attention and he sounded so serious it caught me a little off guard. Emmett was always goofing around and making jokes, I'd never seen him be serious about anything before now. 'Bella's been through a lot man, I mean a real lot. She's still not doing so well.' I frowned trying to work out if we were talking about the same girl here. 'She's like my little sister and I won't let her get hurt again.' Emmett leaned towards me a fraction, emphasising his build, and I realised he was being fiercely protective towards Bella. 'Don't go trying any funny business ok?' At Emmett's purposefully intimidating tone an uneasy feeling crept up my spine. Was I being warned to stay away from her? Was I being threatened?

All at once I understood. He was telling me to stay away from Bella because he thought I wasn't good enough for her. She had obviously been hurt in a previous relationship by some jerk-off guy and Emmett didn't want me to do the same. He thought I would hurt her. Maybe he was right. Maybe I was bad news for Bella, hadn't I worked that out for myself? But it still stung like hell to be told outright.

Slowly, I became aware that he was still waiting for an answer from me. What did you say to that? I wanted to tell him to mind his own fucking business, but I couldn't blame him for saying it, I guess my reputation preceded me. To be honest I wouldn't let Bella near me either, judging by the last person who crossed that line. Stupidly I thought I could leave that shit behind me, but you know what they say, you can't outrun your own shadow. I was beginning to believe that Satan inhabited my fucked up shadow; it would account for a lot.

'Yeah sure.' I mumbled and walked out of the kitchen trying to sound as if it wasn't a big deal. The doorbell rang as soon as I reached the stairs and a flash of Alice whirled past me as she sprinted to the door. As the door opened I realised it was a 50/50 chance of being a certain person and I found I couldn't force myself to move from my spot.

At first I could only see her hair, loose and wavy. My hands itched to smooth down the wispy bits around her face, I could only imagine how good she smelled. Alice moved slightly to one side and it was as if my whole life I'd been waiting for her to arrive. I felt the heaviness lift and the light she carried around her start to seep into my darkness. For a moment it felt like it was just the two of us in the room and I wished it could stay that way forever. Then just as quickly Emmett's face flashed in my mind like a cruel reminder of my promise to stay away. I could feel my mood return, the suffocating gloom blanketing me once more.

She looked straight at me and I saw that Bella's facial expression was evidence her mood matched my own. Obviously she wasn't happy to see me. Alice held open the door to allow Bella to come in and I watched her remove her jacket and hang it behind the door. I was angry at myself for noticing how tight her jeans were and how her top emphasised her tiny waist. Evidently I'd done something to piss her off, not that this surprised me anymore. I should have felt relieved she already hated me, but I couldn't stop the dejection gnawing at my insides. It was fucking pathetic.

Before I could torture myself any more I staggered through the lounge to the back door and carried on walking until I reached the small stream hidden by trees at the bottom of the garden. I started picking up stones and hurling them into the fast flowing water as hard as I could, feeling no real satisfaction at the perfect arcs I was creating. Giving up, I sat down on a rock and stared into the stream, my reflection staring straight back at me. 'I know.' I said aloud to myself, 'What did I expect?' For the first time since coming here I really wanted to try. I wanted to feel something other than this constant misery. The magnetism I felt with Bella was so compelling I forgot who I was when she was around. And there was this pull I could feel towards the baby that seemed to have less to do with responsibility and more to do with wanting a connection. It was so fucking depressing that I couldn't get near either of them. The short time I'd spent with Bella had almost brainwashed me into thinking things could change, that I could be a better person. Bitterly I stood and wiped the mud from my jeans. If there was one thing that Tanya taught me its that I don't rise, I sink to the bottom just like the stones.


	6. Chapter 6

**BPOV**

**After I'd negotiated fairly flat pumps from Rosalie's wardrobe, we made our way back downstairs. Emmett appeared from the kitchen munching on the remains of something chocolaty by the smear on his chin. He turned and spotted me, his eyes widening in recognition and a big grin emerged on his boyish face. Without warning he lunged at me, his arms wrapping around me as he picked me up and swung me round like a rag doll. **

'**Jesus tap-dancing Christ Bella,' he exclaimed lowering me to the ground and looking at me strangely, 'You do know you have to eat every day right?' **

'**Oh leave her alone Emmett.' Esme interrupted as she pushed him away from me. She gave me a hug and kissed my cheek. Her familiar sweet perfume lingered in the air as she took a step back and gave me an affectionate smile. As always, the smell brought back a thousand memories of staying at Alice's. Esme making us cookies, braiding my hair for school, helping me buy my mum's birthday presents, not telling my parents when we stole a bottle of rum from the drinks cabinet and throwing up in her pot plant, holding my hand through the funeral. I had a lot of love for Esme. **

**Emmett pulled me back towards him and ruffled my hair, 'Come on little'un, everyone's out back.' **

**I had such mixed emotions when I came to Alice's house. In one way it was like coming home. Everything was familiar and comforting and I was always welcomed like a member of the family. On the other hand that was exactly the reason it hurt so much. I had so many memories here, of another life with my parents, with Jacob. It was a constant reminder of how much my life had changed.**

**As we walked past the tall hallway cabinets, I sneaked a quick look in the glass, I wasn't that thin was I? Jasper's face smiled back at me in my reflection and I almost tripped over Emmett in surprise. 'First day on your new feet?' he chuckled holding my elbow to steady me. **

'**Smooth' Jasper murmured behind me.**

'**I heard that.' I murmured back.**

'**You were supposed to' he replied. Before I could think of a witty reply something pink and shiny caught my eye, tucked away in the corner of the hallway. It was a tiny baby carrier with soft pink fleece blankets and a baby mobile made out of star shaped crystals which catapulted rainbows around the room. It was a typical Alice type gift.**

'**I see Alice got you and Rosalie a useful gift for a change Em?' His gaze turned to me and then to the baby carrier I was still admiring.**

'**Oh no that's…uh' he looked around the room clearly uncomfortable. 'I mean yeah it was.' he took my arm again and continued to pull me through the room. I chuckled to myself, he was such a bloke, probably didn't even remember Alice giving it to them.**

'**Is Rosalie having a girl then?' Jasper whispered in my ear as we reached the French doors leading out to the garden. He had a strange kind of smile on his face as if he was keeping something from me, but he did have a point.**

'**Hey Emmett,' I said slowing down and making him stop his lengthy strides, 'I thought you didn't know the sex of the baby yet?'**

**He paused for a fraction of a second and turned to face me. 'What is this, question time? You wanna know my shoe size next?' He was laughing as he opened the doors to the garden. 'Who the hell knows why Alice does the things she does Bells you should know that by now.' Before I could respond, Emmett had picked up a full cooler of beer and his football, and started jogging towards the barbeque where Carlisle was busy lighting it.**

**Jacob appeared next to me again looking too pleased with himself. I stared at him in confusion, wondering what had gotten into him recently. 'What's up Bella?' he asked me his cheeky grin back in place. It wasn't like Jacob to start stirring up trouble, he was one of the most laid back people I'd ever met. I was more than likely imagining it.**

'**Nothin' I replied feeling stupid for reading too much into things.**

**I walked over to the large table set up in the middle of the decked area and plonked myself into a chair. The scent of barbeque smoke was starting to drift over to us and I realised I was looking forward to lunch. Luckily the rain had held off this morning but I could see in the distance an ominous black cloud creeping our way.**

'**Bella babe' Jasper called out as he eased his way out of his chair and strolled around the table towards me with his arms held wide. His hair was swept dramatically to one side and I noticed he had new red streaks through it. Jasper changed his hair more often than I change my favourite ice cream, and is always encouraged by Alice, who loves picking out his new look. His trademark t-shirt was a speech bubble which read 'I saw that!' and written underneath was the word 'God'. He reached my side and leaned down to grab my face between his hands. He started planting sticky lip gloss kisses all over me. 'Jas get off me will you' I laughed as I struggled to free myself 'You know Alice will get suspicious'**

**Across the table I heard Alice snort in amusement. **

**Ever since she had given in to Jasper's persistent attempts to take her out two years ago, the pair of them have been completely inseparable. Alice told me after their first date that he was only eighteen and I wasn't sure whether to be jealous or scared for her, but the first time I met Jasper I could tell he was different. His attention-grabbing features, lean hips and long fluid limbs could have given him an instant pass to the elite modelling world and all the women he could ever ask for. But Jasper wanted to be a singer and he put together a band he had hand picked for success. Their sell-out gigs and ever increasing fan base, is a testament to a combination of Jasper's killer looks and his phenomenal talent on stage. He is headed for stardom. As for all the girls who sigh dreamily whenever Jas walks into a room, and the thousands of screaming fans at the gigs, he doesn't see any of them; Alice has no competition. It is so obvious how much he adores her and as corny as it sounds, I think they were meant for each other.**

**Jasper finally released me and went back to sit next to Alice, shuffling his chair closer to her and pulling her hand into his lap. 'You can't say I'm not affectionate.' he said pointedly as I wiped a particularly gloopy splodge of gloss from my eye, bizarrely I noted it smelled of cherries.**

'**It's nice to see you too,' I replied smiling brightly and feeling all gushy inside, its not everyday you get assaulted with kisses by a stunning 20 yr old. I noticed Jacob giving me evil looks from across the table and it snapped me back to reality. **

**I turned to Rosalie who was sat grinning at me, one hand protectively on her expanding bump. My eyes widened as it dawned on me just how long I'd stayed away. She'd grown so much since I'd last seen her and I felt really guilty. Her long blonde hair had grown thicker and even longer, framing her impossibly glowing face. Her eyes sparkled and her cheeks were pink, she looked damn healthy. I reached over and we hugged as close as the table would allow. 'Hey Bells' she spoke softly into my neck, and squeezed me a little tighter. I could feel my throat closing over and tears prickling at my eyes. I never could handle people being nice to me. I let her go before I really started to bawl like a baby.**

'**My God Rosie, how many have you got in there?' I teased her. Her kind smile vanished and she narrowed her eyes at me. **

'**Don't poke the bear Bella,' Emmett said as he arrived at the table. He dropped the cooler on the table and slid out a chair. 'She's dangerously under medicated.' **

'**I'd insult you back but you're not bright enough to notice.' Rosalie shot back at him as he smiled sweetly and patted her hand. 'It's the hormones,' she explained to the rest of us, 'And living with Jesus over there.' She looked directly at Emmett and waited for him to start sitting down before kicking his chair out from under him. Emmett stumbled backwards and grabbed the table as we all fell about laughing. He pointed at Rosalie and then turned to me, 'See what I mean?' he exclaimed, 'And by the way you failed Rosie.'**

**Rosalie sighed mockingly into her palm, 'If at first you don't succeed….' she started.**

'**Sky diving is not for you.' Jasper finished.**

'**Redefine success?' Alice added grinning at Jasper as Emmett scowled at them both. I sat back in my chair watching their easy banter and felt so lucky to be included. It occurred to me that I missed being part of a family and feeling that sense of belonging. **

'**Destroy all evidence you tried?' my head snapped up at the sound of Edward's voice. He was marching towards the table and I had to look away. If I thought his work suits caused me to have inappropriate thoughts, then the low slung jeans and fitted black t-shirt was bordering on indecent. Why was my heart beating so fast? I immediately felt ashamed. Since Jacob and I had got together 10 years ago I had been completely faithful. Sure I thought guys were cute, and Jasper could ask me to do anything with just his heart stopping smile, but that was just superficial. I had never let a man affect my thoughts the way Edward did. Especially when Jacob was right here, he was everything to me, what more could I possibly have wanted? I looked around guiltily to see if he was watching but he wasn't there. It should have worried me, but aside from the relief he hadn't witnessed my odd behaviour, somehow I knew he would be back. **

**When I first moved to Forks and Jacob came back to me, I couldn't bear to let him out of my sight for even a second; I was so convinced I would never see him again. Now I was ok with not having him in my line of sight 24/7, surely that was progress? I wanted to tell someone, to prove I was getting better, but I knew I couldn't even begin to. Carlisle would be proud of me, if he knew. Besides I wasn't sure I understood it, let alone explain it to anyone else.**

'**Bella have you met Edward?' Rosalie asked me but Alice interjected.**

'**Yeah remember Rosie I told you we met Edward at work and I introduced them.' I kept my eyes to the table not wanting to give away the fact that that wasn't strictly true. There was an awkward pause and it occurred to me it was my turn to speak.**

**I cleared my throat quickly. 'Nice to see you again Edward. Thank you for inviting me today.' I tried my best not to make eye contact and at the same time not appear rude, but I suspected I probably came off like a blindfolded chicken.**

'**That's ok Alice did the invites.' **

**My mouth dropped open as I registered what Edward had just said, and I finally lifted my head to look right at him. I wished I'd never bothered coming. I'd have been happier sat at home on my own fighting with Jacob. Ok so I'd pretended I'd never seen him before when we were with Alice but I didn't think he'd still be pissed off at me.**

'**Edward.' Esme called from the house. 'Can you spare me a few minutes?' I watched as he turned to leave and wondered how I'd got him figured out so wrong. He turned back a few steps away as if to say something but I glared at him and he quickly looked away. Who did he think he was?**

'**He didn't mean it like that.' Alice started defending him as she caught my expression. I wondered again why everyone tiptoed around Edward like he was a ticking bomb, never saying anything to upset him, always letting him do his own thing. It occurred to me that they treated me the same way, so what was his story then?**

'**Come on guys.' Emmett broke the tension. 'Let's have a game before lunch.' and he pushed his chair back, running onto the lawn with the football.**

'**I'll referee.' Rosalie volunteered not moving an inch.**

'**You're with me Bells.' Jasper announced grabbing my arm and pulling me over to join Emmett and Alice. **

'**Just so you can tackle Alice.' Rosalie shouted after us. 'There's enough babies in this house thanks.' I laughed out loud at Rosalie figuring she meant Emmett but there was silence behind me. I turned and they were all staring at me curiously. What? Was it not a joke? Was I losing my grip on humour now?**

**Everyone continued setting up the game but I stood there feeling confused. 'Lighten up Bells, it's not you.' Jacob whispered next to me.**

'**Whats happening Jake?' I whispered back not sure why he was whispering as no-one but the truly crazy could hear him anyway. 'Was that not funny?'**

'**No it was hilarious.' he chuckled darkly his eyes watching my face intently.**

'**Then why didn't they laugh?' I asked confused by his reaction.**

'**Maybe you should ask Jasper? You seem to be getting on well with him?' **

**I looked at him in disbelief. 'Whats that supposed to mean?' I asked a little too loudly.**

'**Everything ok team leader?' Jasper called out to me and I jumped with fright. My nerves were shot to pieces. **

'**Yeah I'm fine, sorry I'm ready.' But I really wasn't, I was completely distracted by what Jacob said.**

'**You know what I mean Bella.' Jacob started again, and not for the first time that day, I wished he came with an off switch.**

'**Stop it Jake.' I warned him through gritted teeth, why was he being such a jerk today? In the back of my mind I registered someone calling my name.**

'**Um Bella…' Jake began, but I didn't hear the end of it as I turned just in time to see the white laces of an American football hurtling into my face.**

**EPOV**

**Anxiously I paced the room beside the lounge, careful not to wake the baby Rosalie had just managed to get to sleep. I could see Bella through the lounge doors sleeping peacefully on one of the huge stuffed sofas. She looked so tiny and fragile, enveloped by the gigantic cushions surrounding her. Her dark matted hair was splayed across the pillow, pinned back from her face to reveal the two neat butterfly stitches Carlisle had put in over her left eyebrow. I'd overheard him telling Esme that Bella had been adamant she wasn't going to the hospital and insisted Carlisle did it here. He didn't have any anaesthetic, the girl had fucking bottle that's for sure. **

**The baby stirred and whimpered and I hit the deck. If she saw me that would definitely be the end of the peace. After a few seconds she was still again, and I could hear the light snores from next door. The sound was comforting as I kept having this insane urge to check on her, to make sure she was still breathing. I wondered if she had a headache yet, and I wondered if she was still mad at me.**

**Earlier when I'd been walking back from the stream I could hear her carefree laughter as clear as anything, and I was suddenly eager to see her smiling face. Impatiently I ran up the garden, but instead of seeing her glowing at me, I saw Jasper planting kisses all over Bella's face. Instantly my gut twisted and my mouth went dry. I had an overwhelming impulse to run over and knock one of his lungs loose. Thankfully he let her go and sat back down next to Alice. I forced myself to breathe again and calm down. I was angry at Jasper and I was angry at Bella, but most of all I was angry at myself for wanting so much to do just that. To feel my lips pressed against her smooth cheek and breathe in her sweet scent. Bella wiped her face with her hand and continued grinning at Alice's toy boy. Who was I kidding? She wouldn't even look twice at me, even if Emmett allowed me within two fucking feet of her. **

**With a sigh I made my way towards them, knowing I'd have to be polite but feeling pretty pissed off anyway. Rosalie was winding Emmett up again. As far as I could tell, their relationship thrived on getting into arguments, swiftly followed by noisy making up sessions which the whole house had to put up with. The arguments were amusing to watch and Rosalie had even taken to learning Spanish for more interesting insults.**

**Seeing an opportunity, I joined in the banter. Bella lifted her head to look at me but quickly looked away her expression indecipherable. I heard Rosalie ask me something but I was too busy watching Bella and trying to read her face. Just as I wished I could read her mind, I heard her soft voice and my heart lifted.**

'**It's nice to meet you again Edward. Thank you for inviting me.' I just stared at her, not having a fucking clue how to respond to that, and realising she still wasn't even fucking looking at me. What the hell had I done? I could feel Emmett staring at me hard. I didn't want him thinking I'd asked her here with ulterior motives or some shit, so I said the first thing that was in my head.**

'**That's ok, Alice did the invites.' Her head finally jerked up to meet mine but by the look on her face I knew it had sounded all wrong. I wished I'd gone with 'Hi.'. Her mouth hung open and her eyes were wide with shock. There was an uneasy silence at the table. Luckily Esme called me from the house and I was thankful for the rescue. Before I could make matters worse, I started walking away from the table. I sneaked a glance at Bella hoping I could whisper an apology or something to rectify the situation, but her face had gone back to thunderous proportions and I thought better of it.**

**Now looking at her, I wished I could explain. I wished I could take it all back and start today over. I thought back to the days when it was a struggle just to breathe in and out all day long. It's amazing how quickly you forget pain. Sometimes I think we block it out, that we get hurt so badly if we actually felt it, it would kill us. But then I remember those days and I know I was barely alive anyway. I looked again at Bella's innocent face and hoped to God she'd never felt that kind of suffering. The thought brought back an image of her earlier.**

**Seeing her limp body lying in Emmett's arms, I automatically feared the worst. I was frozen to the spot, flashbacks of blood and sirens took over. It was only when Carlisle shoved me out of the way did I realise I was blocking the door. They pushed past me and all I could do was watch as they took her upstairs out of view. The wait was agony and I was left to deal with the screaming baby. Eventually Jasper came downstairs and took her out of the pram I was desperately pushing up and down the hallway. She even liked that poncy fucker better than me and stopped crying straight away. I gave him a grateful look, relieved to be able to hear what was going on upstairs.**

'**She's ok.' Jasper said as he saw me looking at the ceiling. 'Just a small cut, nothing major.'**

'**Wasn't she knocked out though?' I asked him, the image of her lifeless body still fresh in my mind.**

'**Nah,' he dismissed, rocking the now sleeping baby. 'She was holding her head, and then the blood started and she freaked out or something and couldn't breathe. Alice says she does it a lot. Like a panic attack?' I raised my eyebrows in response not able to think of anything to say. Carlisle came down the stairs at that moment and clocked Jasper with the baby, he raised one eyebrow in my direction. I rolled my eyes at him, knowing what he was thinking. Jasper had never shown any interest in anything baby related and was the first to have something really important to do when she started screaming. He seemed to have the gift with women though, he could do no wrong in Esme's eyes and even Rosalie couldn't bring herself to insult him. The boy just had it.**

'**Everything ok doc?' Jasper asked him before I could open my mouth. **

'**Fine.' He replied walking into the kitchen as we followed him. 'A few stitches and she'll be good as new.'**

**When Bella eventually walked down those stairs I found I was mentally inspecting every part of her, as if checking she was all present and counted for and hadn't lost an arm on the way or something. She gave me a wobbly smile before Esme took her arm and led her to the sofa with a pile of blankets. She slept most of the afternoon, only waking when Esme offered her some dinner, which she refused. I tried to keep my distance. Everyone was pottering around the place not really sure what to do but not wanting to be far from her if she awoke. At last the evening came and Esme insisted on letting her sleep where she was, instead of moving her to the upstairs bedroom which I suggested, and which earned me a cold stare from Emmett. So when Alice and Jasper finally went to their room and the house was quiet, I gently wheeled the baby's cot into this room and watched Bella sleep.**

**It was late now, just past two in the morning, but I still couldn't rest. I couldn't take my eyes off her and I was paranoid every noise was a sign she was dying. I had to get a grip. I was pacing the room like a caged mental patient and Esme was sure to notice the worn out patch on her carpet. Suddenly I heard movement from the lounge and as I turned I managed to kick the corner of the chair. 'Fuck' I cried out as pain radiated up my leg, I hobbled around the room trying to shake it out 'Shit fuck, fucktard, holy fuck a duck!' the baby was obviously offended by my last choice of expletive as she let out the most deafening howl I'd ever heard her attempt. I quickly rushed over to her and picked her up knowing it wouldn't help but doing it anyway, desperate for her to stop before she woke Bella. **

**Behind me I heard the lounge doors open and small voice croak out 'Edward? Is that you?' My first thought was 'thank god she's alive' and without thinking turned to face her to make sure I wasn't hallucinating. 'Are you ok I heard swearing' It was her, and I was sure my face lit up before the pain crept back in.**

'**Yeah im ok,' I murmured 'I think shins were invented for finding furniture in the dark.' She chuckled at me before recognising the fact that I had a screaming baby in my arms. Flung back to reality I panicked and wanted to back away but Bella's face stopped me. She was frowning at me but she didn't look angry, she looked confused.**

'**Where did you get a baby from?' she asked me all sleepy and bewildered.**

**I wanted to laugh out loud as I'd asked myself that question a million times. 'Do you really need me to tell you Bella?' I asked her an amused smile on my lips. Her eyes widened briefly as she put two and two together.**

'**She's yours?' she asked me really slowly as if testing out the sentence first.**

'**Yeah.' I sighed knowing I'd probably never see Bella again after this. But she did two things right then that surprised me. First, she stepped towards me and took the still crying baby from me, then she took my hand and pulled me over to the sofa where she clambered back into the blankets and indicated for me to join her. I looked at the two of them curled into the huge cushions and I couldn't believe the feeling of calm that washed over me. The baby always made me nervous and I expected Bella to be upset about the whole thing, instead she was giving me a chance to explain. I gently sat beside them still staring at Bella in awe. The baby had quietened to barely there sobs and I knew from watching Esme, she was close to sleep again. **

**Bella was looking at me expectantly; I knew what she wanted but I honestly did not know where to start. 'Its ok Edward you don't have to tell me.' She prompted me kindly, and in that moment I realised I wanted to. I hadn't spoken about Tanya to anyone. Just knowing that Carlisle and probably Esme knew what happened that night was enough for me. But Bella was different, I knew she wouldn't judge me and I knew she wouldn't tell anyone. **

'**Her mother died at her birth.' I almost choked on the word mother, she wasn't good enough to have that label. 'Tanya, her mother, lost a lot of blood and they couldn't save both of them. She was born by c-section shortly before Tanya died.' Bella's hand reached out and slipped easily into mine. Her soft skin was cool against my own, and her small fingers stroked my palm lightly. **

'**What's your daughter's name?' she asked me.**

**Without having to think about it I said 'Issy' I had no idea why I said it, but in that moment I knew it was right for her. Issy Cullen. I hoped she didn't think it was weird, but she was smiling at me with the biggest, goofiest grin ever.**

'**It's a great name.' she blushed and I thought it was the cutest thing I'd ever seen her do. **

'**How's your head?' I asked seeing the blood stained pillow beside her. 'Is that your blood?'**

**She followed my gaze to the pillow and shrugged 'Yeah some of it.' She lifted her free hand to her eyebrow and lightly fingered the stitches. She flinched at a particularly sore spot and I winced for her. I could imagine how much it stung.**

'**I'm sorry,' I told her sincerely. 'You probably wished you never came in the first place.' **

'**Not that you invited me.' She shot back and I winced again, this time for my own sake.**

'**Yeah about that..' I started but Bella laughed at me and I was completely distracted. Her eyes were so blue and twinkled just like Issy's crystal mobile Alice had bought her, when it caught a sunbeam. I couldn't help laughing with her.**

'**It wasn't meant to come out like that,' I tried to explain. 'And I didn't know what I'd done to make you in a mood with me in the first place.'**

'**Wait a minute.' Bella interrupted me. 'I thought you were in a mood with me?'**

'**No, I was moody cos I thought you were moody with me.' I said feeling more confused than before.**

'**But I was moody because I thought you were moody with me.' Bella retaliated and we both started laughing. 'So we were both in a mood for no reason?' she asked me and I nodded, prompting a new round of giggles from her as I sat and watched her, smiling. I was just glad I hadn't really done anything to upset her.**

**We both looked at the baby and saw she was fast asleep already, that was a record. Even Esme wasn't that quick. Bella must have thought I was worried about her and she moved to hand her back. I shifted away from her quicker than I should have, both hands up in front of me.**

'**No,no,no.' I said quickly. 'She doesn't like me.' Bella snorted at me and tried to pass her over again.**

'**Edward you're her daddy of course she likes you.' She was smiling at me like I was being ridiculous, so I took Issy from her and waited for the howling to start. After a few moments and she still hadn't murmured, I began to think I was dreaming. This had never happened before. My surprised gaze met Bella's and she smiled an 'I told you so' smile at me. But I didn't care, I was so overjoyed I was actually holding her and she wasn't screaming at me to put her down. Her tiny body was cradled into my elbow and the incredibly light weight of her was crushed against my stomach. I could feel every intake of breath as her lungs expanded, and every whisper of air on my arm as she exhaled. Her gorgeous baby smell filled my senses as I took deep heady breaths of her. Suddenly I felt my eyes welling up and my chest become tight, surely I wasn't going to fucking cry. **

'**I've never done this before.' I admitted quietly still not trusting her not to burst into ear-splitting screams. Bella looked at us both in surprise.**

'**What do you mean?' she asked me, shuffling closer to me to stroke Issy's tiny cheek. 'How could you not?' Bella turned her head to look at me in amazement.**

'**She always screams whenever I try to pick her up or even if she knows I'm there. I've never been able to hold her like this without her howling.' I felt almost ashamed to say it, like I'd failed as a father. **

**Bella looked thoughtful for a moment and then said, 'Babies are very sensitive Edward, maybe she was picking up on your nervousness? You're very calm now.' As she said it I knew she was right. I was a mess whenever I saw her. I had no idea what to do with a baby, plus the fact that she had the most awful start to life which I blamed myself for. If I was feeling that way every time I saw her then maybe I was causing her distress. Bella had this calming influence on me and that's probably why she wasn't crying now. God the woman was a fucking genius. I smiled my gratitude to her and she smiled right back at me. Right then, I didn't care what Emmett had said to me about keeping away from her. Sometimes the greatest pleasure in life is doing what other people say you cannot do, and right now holding my daughter and sitting with this angel, I was the happiest I'd been in a fucking long time.**


	7. Chapter 7

BPOV

The darkness smothered me. It was wrapped around me like a shroud, so tight I could barely breathe. I could feel nothing. Just heaviness. A constant weight pushing me down, filling my veins with sand so that I was limp and floppy like the limbs of my doggy beanie toy. Sounds were muffled. I focused instead on my heart, lazily thumping it's lethargic beat. Gradually, familiar noises began filtering through to my muted brain, voices, footsteps, was that a baby crying? Now I knew I was crazy, firstly hanging around with dead people and now hearing the cry of an unborn baby, what on earth was next. The voices started getting louder and I could just make out my name.

'Bella? Bella, come on Bella wake up. Can someone get me a towel for all this blood please?' I realised I knew this calm, controlled voice.

'Dr Carlisle?' I croaked, my voice sounding foreign to me and far away. 'Am I dying?' I still couldn't open my eyes but I could feel the atmosphere in the room change as if someone had turned off the pressure.

'It was touch and go for a minute there.' Carlisle chortled at me as I felt him press a warm wet towel to the side of my face. 'We might have to do a blood transfusion,' he continued in his best doctor voice, 'and there's a risk you could lose your eye and your left arm, but I'm confident you'll pull through.'

'She's back then?' I heard Esme ask with a smile in her voice.

I giggled softly, feeling 12 again, but the movement made me jump as a sharp needle-like pain shot through my eyebrow. My eyes flew open then and searched instantly for the one face that I knew would make me feel better. Jacob, was sat beside me on the bed, his uncomplicated smile immediately comforting. I had a weird sense that I was mad with him, but I brushed it off as his smile started to diffuse the pain . My gaze connected with Carlisle's as his reassuring hushes soothed me, and he pressed harder with the towel on my brow bone to stop the sting. 'What happened?' I asked him feeling the panic subside.

'Emmett threw the ball at your head.' Alice answered me coming into view, with a worry frown creasing her forehead. There was a loud crash in the hall and Emmett came charging into the room.

'Fuuuuu…crying out loud Alice' he quickly changed his mind as he spotted Esme and gave her a sheepish grin. He came to the bed and grabbed hold of my hand bringing it to his lips and kissing it fiercely,. His eyes were squeezed shut as if he was concentrating the kisses to penetrate my skin. 'Please Bella, it was an accident, I would never hurt you, you're my little sister and…'

'I know.' I interrupted him and he opened his eyes to really look at me.

'Oh your poor face!' he wailed as he collapsed into my lap sobbing dramatically. Unsure what I should I do, I reassuringly patted him on the back and looked to Alice for help, but she was smirking at me clearly enjoying the scene unfolding before her. Rosalie, chose that moment to shuffle in the door. She stopped in her tracks when she realised the huge man sobbing his heart out on my bed was Emmett. A brief look of tenderness flashed across her face as she took in the sight. Her eyes darkened as she turned to me and mouthed the words 'Are you ok?' I nodded enthusiastically to prove my point, feeling the room swirl dangerously as I did so, and the acidic taste of bile creep into my throat.

'El Dorado llamado que quieren que sus estrellas de nuevo!' she yelled at him, and then slumped into an empty arm chair, swinging her feet up onto the bed. Emmett coughed and straightened up right away, swiping at his eyes with his hand. He swung a look of contempt at Rosalie, then continued to look sadly at me.

Clearing his throat, he spoke with such sincerity I felt bad for being hit with the stupid ball. 'I'm so sorry Bella.'

'It's okay.' I told him squeezing his giant paw in mine. 'Alice was only joking, weren't you Alice?' I looked over to her expecting an agreement with me, but she was staring at Rosalie with astonishment and respect written all over her face.

'Okay you lot,' Carlisle spoke up get our attention, 'lets get Bella to the hospital. Who's driving?' At the mention of the hospital I felt my chest squeeze tight and all the air left my body at once.

'No.' I managed to say forcefully. 'No Hospitals.' I looked to Jacob for support, knowing he would understand, but he looked hesitantly at me.

'Maybe you should listen to the doc Bells.' he murmured quietly. My jaw tightened and hot tears sprung to my eyes. Even Jacob was turning on me. There was no way I was going to the hospital, I was fine right here. It was only a graze if that.

'Bella you'll need stitches in that.' Carlisle gently explained to me. Damn it, why was everything so complicated? Then a desperate thought came to me.

'Can't you do that here though?' I asked him, practically begging and not ashamed of it. 'You have supplies right?'

He shook his head at me, 'I don't have any anaesthetic. It's ok, I'll be with you at the hospital. I wont leave you and it wont take long.'

'No' I shouted abruptly, sitting up in the bed. My breathing was starting to accelerate now, and I could feel the panic coming in waves. Carlisle tried to grab my hands but I tore them away from him; I wasn't going. 'Please Carlisle,' I struggled, panting for air, 'I don't care about the pain, please just do it here, please don't take me to the hospital.' he looked at me for a second and seemed to realise I wasn't giving in.

'Ok' He agreed. 'Now calm down, deep breaths, look at me and breath deeply.' I did as I was told, my breathing returning to normal with the relief that I was staying here. I knew I sounded crazy. I worked in the freaking place everyday and yet I couldn't even go there to get a couple of insignificant stitches. God knows I've had worse done to me in the past.

Carlisle set about ushering everyone out the door. Emmett bid me a tearful goodbye as if he would never see me again and Rosalie rolled her eyes at him. Alice gave me a small wave and whispered 'be brave' as she rushed over to Rosalie. Before she made it into the corridor, I heard her asking Rosalie what she'd said to Emmett earlier. I strained my ears, desperate to know also.

'It's Spanish,' she said nonchalantly, 'for - El Dorado called they want their star back.' I could still hear Alice laughing as she walked down the hall and into her room.

I watched Carlisle busily preparing the space around the bed with all his medical supplies. I'd done this a hundred times before, and I'd probably have even given it a go myself if it wasn't for the lack of pain meds. Carlisle kept flicking nervous glances my way as he worked, like he was surreptitiously checking me out for signs of backing down from this. I sat up straighter in the bed and pushed my hair out of my face in preparation, determined to show I was fine. My hair was knotted together above my eye and felt sticky under my hand. Why did head wounds bleed so much?

Finally Carlisle was ready to begin. He pulled the surgical sterile gloves on and sat opposite me on the bed. 'This is going to hurt.' he told me straight, no beating round the bush with this one. 'Are you sure you don't want to go to the hospital and do this properly? There's still time to change your mind.' I narrowed my eyes at him and leaned my head towards his hand.

'I'm sure.' I said, with extra conviction in case he refused to do it.

'Ok then, here we go.' and he gripped my eyebrow and pushed the needle through my skin. I wasn't sure which hurt more, the needle or the pinch on my open wound, but I didn't make a sound. I just gripped the bed sheets tight and watched Jacob's face as he inspected Carlisle's work. 'Do you remember what happened at all Bella?' Carlisle asked me and I looked up into his face, which was concentrating hard on sewing me up. It occurred to me that no, I had no memory of being hit with a ball or even playing football in the first place. That was a little worrying. 'Do you remember having a panic attack?' He continued as I racked my brains for one small sliver of recollection. I had a panic attack?

My eyes widened and moved to Jacob's face as if he would tell me Carlisle was making it all up and I had nothing to worry about. But Jake's face said it all. He was looking at me as if I'd grown two heads and had started quoting MC Hammer. 'You don't remember?' Jacob whispered sceptically tilting his head in disbelief. I sighed loudly wondering why everyone was being so dramatic. Why didn't I remember?

'You don't remember anything do you?' Carlisle asked me again. I was aware he'd finished and was wiping my brow with antiseptic which made it sting like hell and my eyes start to water. At that moment I wanted to cry so badly I was grateful for the cover it provided me. Carlisle removed his gloves and took my hands in his, not fooled at all by my silence. 'It's ok Bella. These things happen. How long have you been having these attacks?' Instantly I felt defensive and opened my mouth to tell him he was wrong, there was nothing wrong with me. 'Bella, Alice told me.' he said gently, looking deep into my eyes and I felt really shitty. I'd made Alice promise me she wouldn't say anything about what went on at work. I didn't want this attention, I was fine, it was getting better.

'Its not what you think Carlisle.' I started but he cut me off with a knowing look.

'Bella, you've been through one heck of a traumatic event in your life. Its ok to admit you're not ok.'

'I - I - I'm fine.' I stammered, stating the last word with more force than was really called for.

'Bella please, the only person you are lying to is yourself. You need help.'

'I'm not lying and there's really nothing wrong with me,' I exclaimed getting more and more upset about it and not really knowing why. It was all a big fuss over nothing. 'I don't even think about that anymore.' It was the biggest lie in the world and Carlisle knew it as well as I did. He changed tack.

'You were screaming Jacob's name Bella.' His voice was tender yet firm and I had the good grace to blush in embarrassment. 'You couldn't breathe you were literally gasping for air, and you were clawing at your clothes to get them off you.' I looked down suddenly realising I had a pair of Alice's silk pyjamas on. 'Emmett came over to stop you and had to hold you down to prevent you from lashing out. You kept saying you had to get to Jacob, to help him, that he needed your help.' I couldn't look at Carlisle, I felt so ashamed by my behaviour. I couldn't believe I'd lost control like that, and in front of everyone. Just as I'd thought I was making some progress too.

'Why?' I whispered to him, giving in to the feeling of helplessness I had worked so hard to mask.

'Trauma always leaves a scar Bella.'

We talked for a long time then, about different therapies and meds, which I point blankly refused. Carlisle told me about measured breathing, to rebalance my oxygen levels and stop the attack from developing. Counting, humming and even telling myself 'this will pass, I can deal with this' were all techniques proven to prevent a full blown attack if I felt myself panicking. He also advised massage to relax the muscles and reduce the feeling of anxiety and tension. Immediately one person came to mind, but I quickly shoved that thought back into its box. Something told me it would not be a good idea.

Carlisle suggested seeing a therapist to talk about the 'event'. The very idea of going over and over the most painful thing I had ever experienced made me feel completely sick, but Carlisle insisted it would help me get over the attacks. In the end I said I would think about it.

'Do you think it will get better?' I asked him sincerely wanting to hear the truth. 'Do you think I can be normal one day?'

He smiled at me with a compassion that almost broke me. 'Bella honey, you can make your way back from anything. Horrible things happen, but it's feeling the horrible and knowing you're not going to die from those feelings that makes you a stronger person.' All at once I felt empowered, like it wasn't going to beat me, I wouldn't let it. I had all the support I could ask for, I just had to be brave enough to ask for it. 'But Bella?' I looked up at him tears shining in my eyes, 'You will never be normal.' I swatted him playfully as he laughed at me, and it broke the tension in the room. 'How's the eye?' he asked me changing the subject and bringing me back to reality with a thump. I had completely forgotten about it, which could only mean it didn't hurt that much.

'Fine.' I beamed feeling like I wasn't going to fall apart anymore.

'Well it was a tough surgery but you made it.' he joked cleaning up the rest of his equipment. 'We managed to stop the haemorrhaging just in time to save your vision. I'll be checking for post surgical complications over the next few hours.' I chuckled to myself as Esme knocked and opened the door to the room, closing it behind her as she entered.

'How's my little hypochondriac?' she asked Carlisle teasingly.

'Actually,' I answered back, 'Hypochondria is the only illness I haven't got.' Both of them turned to stare at me and then burst out laughing clutching each other for support.

'Ah that's a good one.' Carlisle whimpered drying his eyes with his jumper.

'Come on you.' Esme ushered me out of the bed, 'let's get you settled downstairs, can't have you stuck up here on your own.' I let her hold my elbow as we walked down the hallway and down the stairs. I was feeling pretty woozy and my eyebrow had started to throb painfully.

At the bottom of the stairs Edward was staring at me as if I might explode any second. I tried to smile to let him know I was fine, but nausea rushed from the pit of my stomach and I knew I had to sit down or I'd spew my guts on the floor. I was pretty sure I'd embarrassed myself enough today without adding that one to the list. Esme had made up the sofa with fluffy warm blankets and I gratefully climbed into their inviting depths, snuggling down and feeling very sleepy all of a sudden. I felt like I was surrounded by clouds, the silk of the pyjamas felt like air against my skin, and smelled just like Alice. Her signature vanilla scent mixed with baby powder was a powerful sedative combination, and made it extremely difficult to keep my eyes open. I watched through my struggling eyelashes as Alice and Jasper made themselves comfortable on the chair opposite me, Jasper folding Alice into his lap and rocking her gently. I briefly saw Emmett bend down in front of me and place a kiss on my forehead. I wanted to thank him for saving me earlier, but I barely had the strength to even open my mouth, and no words came out. Unable to stay conscious for even a second more, I let my eyes flutter close and the darkness claim me.

There was too much blood, it was pumping down my face in hot waves and completely blurring my sight. Everything I touched seemed slick with it, and the tangy metallic smell was making me really nauseous. Where was it all coming from? 'Bella' Jacob's raspy voice cut through my confusion, 'You have to go.' I turned in my seat to face him and nearly fell into his lap, the seatbelt cutting into my stomach and neck. Something wasn't right, but I was so disorientated I couldn't work it out. I felt like I was suspended in reality. The world moved slowly, as if under water and we were bobbing inside a huge floating bubble. 'Now Bella!' Jake shouted at me, startling me out of the trancelike state I was in. Suddenly everything became clear and sharp. The lights were bright, the smell of fuel was burning my nostrils and the pain was unimaginable; everything hurt.

I looked around me. Glass was scattered everywhere, glittering in the intense light that shone through the space where the windscreen should have been. My window was gone, and all I could see was the dark night sky through the twisted metal of my door. I realised then that the car was on its side, and I was being held in my seat by my seatbelt alone, which was digging painfully into my side. Everything in the car seemed a lot closer than it should be. The roof looked like it had collapsed in on itself and my door was dented towards me leaving little room for manoeuvre. I noticed the dashboard was practically on my lap and I had trouble moving my legs out from under it; I couldn't feel my left leg at all.

'Bella please get out.' Jacob said again, his voice sounded desperate. 'There's fuel everywhere…..' I quickly understood what Jacob meant and tried to undo my belt.

'Oh God come on Jake.' I yelled at him furiously jabbing at the release button, and wincing at the burning pain shooting across my ribs. 'Mum? Dad? We need to get out quick' I yelled into the back seat but no-one moved. Jacob sat staring at the airbag inflated in front of him and there was silence from behind me. 'Mum? Dad? Why aren't you moving Jake?' I asked him panic creeping into my voice as I tried desperately to look behind me.

'No Bella!' Jake screamed, and I stared at him in confusion. 'Please. Don't. Just look at me Bella. I need you to…... I can't……Bella I can't come with you.' It was then that I saw it, protruding from Jake's chest and stomach. At first I thought it was shards of metal sticking into his body but I soon realised it had come from the driver's door and was pinning him to the car. Fury took over as I pushed again and again at my seatbelt trying to free myself. 'We can do this Jake. I'll get you out, I wont leave you.'

'Bella.' The tone in his voice set alarm bells off in my pounding head, he sounded tired and that was not good.

'No Jake come on don't give up please. It'll be fine, you'll be fine, we can do this.'

'Bella,' he repeated with more anger this time and I stopped fighting with my belt. 'I'm going to pass out in a minute and I don't want you to be scared ok? Baby I love you, I'm sorry. I'm not in pain, I want you to know that. Please go, get out of here.' His voice changed to barely a whisper and I held my breath, hoping with all my might it wasn't happening like this.

'No Jacob, stay awake, stay with me!' Propelled into action I jammed the button with all my strength. I felt it give way and managed to claw at my window to stop myself from sprawling onto him. He opened his eyes a fraction and I breathed a sigh of relief that he hadn't gone. 'It's gonna be ok Jake trust me.'

'I do Bells.' he murmured and then smiled. 'I wish I'd got to say that to you properly.' and my heart lunged into my throat. It wasn't time, he couldn't leave me now, we had plans, we had a life to live together, I needed him. I leaned over as far as I could and unclipped his seatbelt, I wasn't giving up now. 'Thank you Bella…….' his voice was getting weaker.

'What for?' I asked him, pressing my fingers to his neck. His pulse was dangerously slow, I needed to get him out of here now.

'For being you, for loving me' and his eyes closed again.

'Jacob?' I asked him, waiting for an answer, a movement, anything to show me he was still ok. Footsteps suddenly sounded on the ground beside me and my heart lifted. 'Jake come on someone's here, we're gonna make it.' but he still didn't move. 'Jacob.' I shoved him. 'Jacob come on, wake up.' I shoved him harder but he was just slumped upright in his seat. The shaking started then, making my whole body shudder as the reality of the situation dawned on me. 'Jacob please!' I screamed, terror gripping me and I tried to pull him towards me. With a strength I didn't realise I possessed I yanked my leg out from under the dashboard, shrieking in pain as I felt my bones snap. Suddenly hands were around me and I felt myself being hauled backwards. I screamed and clawed and fought against them, but it was to late, they were taking me away from him.

Abruptly I sat up realising I was tangled in the blankets on the sofa. I was panting hard, the visions refusing to disappear from my head. I heard a dull thud close by, followed by someone swearing, and then an ear piercing shriek filled the air. Recognizing that the scream was not coming from my lips, I jumped off the sofa and ran to the double doors. As I opened the doors I saw Edward stood with his back to me and I wondered if I was still dreaming.

'Edward? is that you? Are you ok, I heard swearing.' he turned and looked at me, and then muttered something about shins being invented for finding furniture in the dark, which I grasped is what happened to cause all the swearing. Just as I was putting the two together, my sleep addled brain become aware of something small and pink in Edward's arms, and it was screaming. Where would Edward have got a baby from, I thought, not quite believing that's what it was yet

'Where did you get a baby from?' I asked out loud, obviously my sleep filter hadn't kicked in yet.

'Do you really need me to tell you Bella?' he smirked.

Oh. My mind was working overtime trying to figure out this situation. 'She's yours?'

'Yeah' Edward said, and then sighed as if resigned to the fact. He looked awkward and unsure, of himself and the tiny bundle still shrieking in his arms. I didn't know much about babies, but it looked to me as if Edward could do with some help. So I moved towards them and took her from his arms. At once he looked relieved. I knew babies loved warmth so I took Edward's hand and pulled him over to the sofa, where I knew it was still warm from my body heat. I settled down with her tucked in close to me and began gently rocking her. All at once I understood why Alice defended him so much and why they were all so secretive about his past. They were protecting him and this little one. I wondered where her mother was, and how Edward had ended up here with her all alone. I watched his face as he looked at her slowly drifting into sleep again, and I realised it was none of my business. He would talk if he wanted to, I knew that better than anyone.

'Its ok Edward you don't have to tell me.' His eyes met mine and I could sense he was debating whether to or not. He sat down next to me on the sofa and I was suddenly overwhelmed by his closeness. The heady masculine smell of him was all around me like he'd just stepped out of the shower. It was a very clean smell with a hint of pure man essence. It was in every breath I took. His thigh brushed my knee and I had to remind myself to breathe. Suddenly he started talking and I recognised the pain that flashed through his face. I recognised it because I'd looked in the mirror countless times, and seen that exact same pain etched on my face. For a split second I felt a connection so deep, I felt like I'd known him all my life. I had to touch him. My hand reached out of its own accord and fit itself into Edward's. He didn't move it or tell me where to go, so we just sat there staring at our joined hands. A thought occurred to me.

'What's your daughter's name?' I asked him innocently.

'Issy' he replied confidently. I watched his face to see if he was joking with me, but he looked as shocked as I did. As much as I wanted to take the credit for such a gorgeous name, I wasn't so bold as to accuse him of naming her after me. She was a few weeks old by the looks of it, and so she could have already been called Issy before we met. If he had chosen the name from my influence, then I thought it was the sweetest thing anyone had ever done. My face split into the biggest grin it actually hurt my cheeks.

I liked this, I felt comfortable with Edward, and once we'd cleared up the whole moodiness business earlier, I felt like we were old friends. I tried to hand Issy back to Edward thinking he wouldn't want me hogging such a gorgeous snuggle opportunity, but to my surprise he shot away from me, terror on his face. His calm jokey manner had gone and instead he looked like a frightened little boy. I couldn't understand his reaction, surely wanted her back at some point? I passed her over again, being a little firmer this time, and he reluctantly took her and cradled her against him as if it were the most natural thing in the world. I smiled, just knowing he was gonna be a great father, so much so that when Edward explained that he had in fact never held her before, I was genuinely shocked. But as he told me about her behaviour I understood there was a lot more to it than meets the eye, and I suspected a lot of it was to do with Edward's anxiety towards her.

I didn't want to sound like a know it all but at the same time I wondered if it was the case. 'Babies are very sensitive Edward, maybe she was picking up on your nervousness? You're very calm now.' He looked a little disconcerted at the fact that Issy was still asleep, but then he looked up at me and his whole face changed. I'd never felt so worthy of a smile that big. His brown eyes glittered at me in the semi-darkness and I felt my insides turning to mush. Wow, the guy knew how to dazzle when he wanted to. Instinctively, I smiled back at him, distinctly aware of how much this moment meant to Edward. I was proud to be a part of it.

Unexpectedly, Alice's face popped into my head, along with the promise I'd made her to not get involved with Edward. I could see now why she was so protective, but at the same time I was enjoying his company. This wasn't doing any harm, was it? I looked again at Edward staring at his daughter with a look of complete love on his face and I almost laughed at myself. We were friends, that was all. Edward didn't have time in his life for anything more and I certainly wasn't entertaining the idea.

I looked down, avoiding staring at Edward in his little piece of bliss. The pillow by my side caught my eye again as I spotted the blood stains. For some reason it reminded me of Jacob and the fact that I hadn't seen him at all since I woke up. Normally he would be by my side, he must be really mad at me for something. Right on cue my eyebrow started to throb. The aspirin Esme gave me when she woke me up earlier was obviously wearing off. Edward noticed me wriggling and gave me a look.

'Is it hurting?' I nodded slowly, not wanting to set off an explosion of fireworks behind my eyes.

'It's ok I'll get some more aspirin, I know where it's kept.' And I crawled off the sofa towards the kitchen. Edward startled me as he came up behind me.

'You should have something to eat Bella, you haven't eaten today.' About to protest, I realised he was right, I hadn't had a bite to eat. No wonder I felt unsteady on my feet. 'Here sit.' He ordered me pulling out a chair from the kitchen table. 'What would you like?' He handed Issy back to me and started hunting through the fridge, but she wriggled in my arms, and screwed up her tiny nose in discontent. I tried to jiggle her about so she wouldn't wake up but that just seemed to make it worse. Without hesitation she let out a blaring cry and I looked to Edward for help. He wheeled around from where he was stood at the fridge, his eyes wide.

'What did you do? Can't you make her stop?' he looked at me as if I did this all the time and he was the one who had never seen a baby before.

'Just because I have breasts doesn't mean I have magical powers over infants Edward.' I replied, but then wished I thought about my phrasing first. His eyes automatically drifted to my top, which was unsurprisingly low cut considering it was Alice's. I felt my face flame under his scrutiny and I pulled the howling baby up to cover me. Edward looked mortified as he snapped back to reality. 'Does she normally feed about now?' I asked him, hoping to cover the majorly embarrassing situation.

'Shit yes.' Edward muttered as he quickly pulled a bottle out the fridge and stuck it into the microwave. A few seconds later he tested it on his wrist and thrust it at me with a wry smile. 'I'll make yours if you give Issy hers?' he asked me striking a deal. My stomach grumbled in response and we smiled at each other, the tension gone once again.

'Ok fine.' I agreed and placed the bottle to Issy's lips, her cries ceasing instantly as she gulped it down hungrily. Edward turned and flashed me a grin from the counter as he began chopping. I watched him work, moving gracefully around the kitchen without a sound. His shoulder blades shifted under his t-shirt as he worked the knife with accomplished skill, and I briefly appreciated the view from where I was sat. The man was a work of art, there was no doubt about it. The broad shoulders and narrow waist, was enough to make any girl start drooling, let alone the impression his jeans gave you of the firmness of his butt and his muscular thighs. Of course you'd have to get really close to find out for sure. _Bella! _I shouted at myself and I shook my head to clear it, honestly shocked at my train of thought. We were friends, and friends didn't think of each other that way. Jacob's face came to my mind and it made me feel guilty, as if I was betraying him.

Issy pushed the bottle away from her lips the same time Edward placed the most inviting mushroom omelette I'd ever seen in front of me and a bottle of aspirin.

'Swap?' I asked him handing the baby over. He took her from me and sat down in the chair next to mine. I watched as he awkwardly tried to hold Issy over his shoulder to wind her.

'I've only ever seen Esme do it and it looks so easy.' he apologised to me and I felt so bad for him. I showed him how to position her just right, and placed a towel over his shoulder. He began patting and rubbing her back as gently as was humanly possible, as if scared he might break her.

'A little firmer.' I said whilst forking a huge mouthful of omelette into my mouth. It was so delicious, Edward obviously had talent in the kitchen. He gradually increased the pressure and before long an enormous belch sounded from her tiny mouth.

'Gotta watch those barking spiders.' Edward said to her as I fell about laughing.

I finished my omelette and took some aspirin, washing them down with some ice cold water. I turned to Edward and saw Issy was fast asleep again, and noticed he wasn't going to be far behind her. Looking at them both made me feel sleepy too and I yawned, surprised considering the amount I'd slept today. 'Edward' I whispered, 'do you wanna go back to the sofa?' Edward made a noise that I assumed meant yes and so I got up and pulled his arm for him to join me. As he stood, he turned towards me and I became aware we were stood almost touching from head to toe, with Issy sandwiched between us. He was much taller than me, giving me a great eyeful of his glorious expanse of chest. Edward opened his eyes and looked right at me and I felt my breathing becoming shallow. He reached out his spare hand and stroked my cheek with his impossibly long fingers. I almost stopped breathing altogether. He opened his mouth to say something but I panicked and stepped backwards. We really didn't need things to get complicated. I moved my plate and Issy's bottle to the sink, and walked into the lounge. Edward followed me turning off the lights as he went. I settled into my spot again and got comfortable under the blankets. I watched as Edward placed Issy reluctantly into her cot and covered her over. He stood looking nervously at me, his hands shoved deep in his pockets.

'I guess I'll get some sleep.' he started, but I really didn't want to be left alone just yet.

'Can you sit with me for a little while?' I asked him and he nodded, coming over to the sofa and collapsing at the other end. I missed his closeness and his warm, appealing scent. Shamefully, I wriggled down the sofa so that I could at least feel some contact.

'How long have you known Alice?' Edward asked, out of the blue.

'All my life, practically.' I answered wistfully. 'We were both born and raised here, so I grew up attending all the same schools and clubs.' Edward was quiet for a moment and I wondered what he was thinking.

'Tell me about it.' he asked and I hesitated not knowing what he meant me to tell him. 'About your childhood. I bet you have some good stories on Alice.' I chocked back the lump that had formed in my throat. He wasn't to know they were some of my most painful memories, of my parents and of Jacob. I started telling him about Alice and mine's secret clubhouse and how Emmett had discovered it, turning it into a den for his friends to come and hang out. And how his plan brilliantly backfired as all his friends started fancying Alice and he had to ban them from the house one by one. I talked for what felt like hours, the memories coming at me in waves. I stuck to strictly non Jacob stories and it was nice for a change to remember how good things used to be. Eventually I got tired of talking and realised Edward had not said a word for quite a long time. He was fast asleep and looked so peaceful I didn't have the heart to wake him up to go to bed. He had slipped sideways along the sofa and was lying against me. Gently I moved my legs out from under him and and pulled the blankets around us both. I snuggled down into the sofa again and felt sleep conquering me. Just as I was slipping into unconsciousness I felt Edward shifting beside me. I couldn't be bothered to fight it as he flung an arm around my waist and pulled me back into his warmth. With his gorgeous scent wrapped around me I succumbed to sleep with a contented smile.


	8. Chapter 8

**EPOV**

_**Fuck I'm comfortable,**_** I thought idly as I started to come round from the deepest sleep I'd ever had. I was lying there with my eyes closed in complete bliss, warmth wrapped all around me, and completely basking in this feeling of cosiness. It didn't get better than this. I thought back to last night and smiled to myself. It had been perfect. Issy had been fine when I'd held her, no screaming tantrums, and I was so shocked she'd actually fallen asleep in my arms. It was such a freakin turnaround, I was still reeling from it. She was now officially named, thanks to an inspiration that didn't take too long to work out it's origin. I wasn't even going to dwell on the fact that it was the first name on my lips, and I certainly couldn't go back on it now. If she twigged, which I'm positive she did, Bella didn't seem mad at me. She had even asked me to stay with her for a little while after I'd put Issy down again, and we talked for ages. Well, Bella talked and I mostly listened. I was enjoying the sound of her voice far too much to interrupt any. Actually come to think of it, I wasn't too sure how I'd gotten to bed after that. Had I even got as far as my bedroom? Hesitantly I opened one eye, and spied the chandelier of the lounge above me. Fear now lodged in my throat, I opened the other and looked down, straight into Bella's sleeping face. **

**What…..the…….fuck? I must have drifted off when we were talking, but how the hell did I end up underneath her? Her soft warm body was laid across mine, and her head was resting snugly on my chest. Her skinny arms were wrapped tight around my neck and her extensively long legs were tangled with my own, fixing her against me extremely intimately. I could feel every outline of her perfect figure. Every muscle in her thighs, every curve of her hips, every inch of her flat stomach, and not to mention her full breasts crushed between us. I thought back to last night when she'd made that comment. Had I really ogled her like that? What the fuck was I thinking? One minute promising to Emmett I wouldn't take advantage of her and the next staring at her cleavage like a puppy drooling after a steak. And whilst I was thinking on the subject, I was pretty damn sure Emmett would be reaching for the meat cleaver if he saw us like this. Slowly I tried to ease myself out from under her, but she started to stir. I stopped instantly, not wanting her to wake up and feel all embarrassed. How the hell would I explain this to her? **_**it's funny but I really cant sleep unless I have a young pliable female wrapped around me as close as humanly possible. **_**Somehow I didn't think she'd be falling for that. In her sleep, she tried to get herself comfortable once again, and started wriggling and squirming against me. I became instantly hard. **

**Panic took over and I sat up sharply, trying my best to cover my modesty. Unfortunately, I managed to take half the blankets with me, flipping Bella onto the floor in the process.**

'**Shit Bella are you ok?' I asked her, jumping to my feet and trying to grab her as she sprawled awkwardly across the carpet. She looked dazed and confused, and cute as hell. Her hair was sticking up all over the place and she had dark pink creases on her cheek from where she'd slept on my t-shirt. Her pyjama top was all twisted around her torso revealing far more skin than it was definitely designed to, and I thought that this was probably my cue to get out of here before I did something we would both regret.**

**All of a sudden I heard footsteps on the landing and the unmistakably bad singing that could only be Emmett; this was turning out to be one hell of a clusterfuck of a morning. Bella's eyes grew wide as she realised at the same time I did, what this situation really looked like. Bella sat there all dishevelled in her PJ's, me still in yesterdays clothes and the rumpled sofa resembling a whore's boudoir after a long nights work. Emmett would definitely bust a nut over this. Throwing Bella an apologetic smile, I helped her up onto the sofa and darted out of the room, just before Emmett started down the stairs.**

**I watched from the kitchen as he spied Issy's cot, and made a beeline for her before I could distract him. He was naked from the waist up, and I felt considerably self conscious as I thought of Bella comparing his, frankly impressive in a hetero way, muscled chest to my own. I would really have to start working out. The lounge doors were wide open and if Emmett had looked to his left a fraction, he would have seen Bella sat on the sofa, peering out at him curiously. Instead he lunged into the cot and picked up the baby, tucking her into the crook of his elbow, like I'd seen him do countless times.**

'**Good morning buttercup,' he cooed at her, swinging her from left to right, as I envied his natural ease with her. 'Who's my tootsie-wootsie lambykins ….' his face drained of colour and he paused mid-swing. He'd obviously spotting Bella staring at him with an amused smile on her face. 'Holy shitake mushrooms!' Emmett exclaimed, looking around him panicking, 'Have you……did you……when did you….uhhhhh' Bella laughed and moved towards him.**

'**It's ok, we've met already.' she said smiling down at my little girl, and I thanked my lucky stars he didn't ask her to elaborate. Emmett visibly relaxed and placed Issy back in her cot.**

'**Awesome Possum.' He breathed out looking very relieved. 'Rosie would have hung me up by my sausage sling if I'd let the moose out of the bag just then.' He shook his head as Bella tried to contain a giggle. Emmett's face turned serious. 'How's the head?' he asked and Bella seemed hesitant, as if she'd forgotten what was wrong with her head. I'd noticed a small bruise forming around the area of her stitches earlier, but luckily I didn't think she'd got a black eye.**

'**Actually, I could do with some more aspirin.' she replied and I knew this was my ticket out. Bella was obviously thinking along the same lines, as I saw her tiny hand usher me past them. The sweetness of her gesture brought a smile to my scowling face. We'd make great partners in crime I thought before remembering we weren't supposed to be partners in anything. They walked towards the kitchen as I snuck into the hallway and started up the stairs. I could still hear Bella's giggles as Emmett joked with her.**

'**It's says here on the bottle, take two aspirin and stay away from children.' he teased her light-heartedly, 'Sorry Bells, no snuggle-time for you with the little tyke today.'**

**Halfway up the stairs I came face to face with Esme, looking better than I'd seen her since we got here. Apparently, the full night's sleep I'd managed to give her had been more than overdue. She smiled brightly at me and I felt myself blush. 'Everything ok?' she asked, a loaded question if ever I heard one.**

'**Fine.' I replied not caring that I was grinning like an idiot as I said it. 'We had a good night.' **

**Esme's whole face lit up with pride as I shuffled on the stairs feeling self-conscious. 'I gotta take a shower.' I continued as Esme kept beaming at me.**

'**Oh fine yes, I'll sort her out this morning,. You go get some rest.' I smiled my thanks and moved away from her towards my room. 'And Edward?' I heard her call after me. I turned back expecting some kind of clause to her kind offer, like washing all of Emmett's football gear. Instead she said, 'Good for you.' and walked away.**

**By the time I got back to my room I was fuming over her last comment. I knew she meant well by it, but it bothered me that I had to be congratulated on tending to my own daughter for one night. Isn't that what every father is supposed to fucking do? I wasn't doing a good job with her. So far, I was doing a better job at fucking it all up. It was only because Bella was there holding my hand every step of the way, that I managed to not be a complete retard like I normally would. Frustrated, I switched the shower onto full blast and waited for it to heat up. **

**Steam quickly filled the room as I yanked off my t-shirt and jeans and stepped under the hammering jets of water. I let the powerful spray pummel my skin and felt my anger subside slightly. I concentrated on the menial task of washing my hair, switching off the shower once all the soap suds had been washed down the drain. As I stepped out, I grabbed a towel and wrapped it round my waist, wondering if Bella was still downstairs in her silk pyjamas. I thought back to last night and how easy it had been to talk and joke with her, and I remembered this morning and the way we had been sleeping wrapped around each other. I couldn't remember the last time I'd been able to let someone get that close to me. Evidently, we were quite comfortable in each other's company and I wondered how the hell that had happened. I was supposed to be keeping away from her, I was supposed to be dead inside. But even as I thought it, I remembered standing in the kitchen with her at some ridiculous hour this morning, not a breath of air between us, feeling things I had no business feeling. Somehow I knew we could never be just friends. Somehow, she'd got under my skin.**

**After I got dressed and attempted to comb my hair, which was a complete fuck-up and ended up with me running my fingers through it as I usually did, I decided to go back downstairs and face the music. There was no sign of anyone in the kitchen or in the lounge, and I was just about to go back upstairs when I heard laughter coming from outside. I walked across the lawn just as Emmett was telling one of his unfunny jokes. I noticed Rosalie wasn't around or she'd have put an end to Emmett's stand up career long ago. I'd once heard her describe Emmett as 'As much use as a one legged man at an arse kicking contest.' If anyone was queen of the put downs it would be Rosalie.**

'**How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?' Emmett continued, holding Issy again across his lap, as I approached them.**

'**It's not hard.' Alice finished for him and everyone groaned in amusement, whilst Emmett shot her evil looks. I sat down next to Bella, and noted with a mixture of relief and disappointment, that she wasn't still wearing the revealing pyjama top. Instead she had changed into a white dress with big sapphire flowers, which made her deep blue eyes sparkle. She smelt amazing, like candyfloss, only sweeter. Her hair was still wet from her shower and it hung like silk, straight down her back. She smiled at me as I took in every detail of her, knowing I wouldn't be able to watch her like I wanted to with Emmett about.**

'**Shouldn't you be telling bible stories or something with Issy around?' she asked Emmett and I felt five pairs of eyes turn to me. **

**I couldn't be bothered with explanations. 'Yeah Issy needs to grow up knowing stuff like Noah and his Ark, not your dirty jokes Em.' I said pointedly, hoping they would just catch on. To my relief, nothing was said about it. Instead Emmett gave me a disapproving look.**

'**Ok.' he said to Issy, who was gurgling and kicking away. 'This one's for your daddy. Once upon a time, there was this really evil city called Sodom and God wanted to destroy the city and everyone in it because it was so evil, but the angels went down and warned this dude called Lot and told him to take his wife and flee out of the city and never look back, but as they went his wife turned around was instantly turned to salt.'**

'**I think I liked the jokes better.' Alice commented, pouring orange juice into her glass.**

'**What happened to the flea?' Jasper said in all seriousness and we looked at him in confusion. **

'**Not flea as in flea bag, flee as in leg-it.' Emmett told him as the whole table erupted with laughter. 'Cheese and rice, I think the lip-gloss has seeped into your brain.' **

'**I better get going.' Bella said, standing up from the table and smoothing down her dress. I felt intense disappointment as I realised I wanted her to stay. Even though I was banned from going near her, just seeing her around was better than not seeing her at all.**

**She kissed her way around the table, my heart skipping as she tenderly kissed Issy on the cheek. When she reached me, she held out her hand and I stared at it glumly whilst my hope fell. Obviously I'd totally misread the situation, of course we were only just friends; we barely knew each other. What did I expect, a full on snog and a quick grope before leaving? I knew Bella wasn't that kind of girl, but I was still frustrated at the fucked up formality after this morning's intimacy. I shook her hand as politely as I could, not making eye contact for fear of what she might see there. 'It was lovely meeting you and Issy.' she said to me and as I pulled away I felt her grip my hand a fraction tighter. I lifted my gaze to hers questioningly and saw a glint of something sparkle in her eyes. She was fucking with me. The corner of her mouth turned up imperceptibly, as it dawned on me that she wasn't brushing me off, she was covering for me, and doing a damn better job than I was. I stood up straighter and gave her the full effect of a Cullen charm smile.**

'**Thank you.' I said sincerely, hoping she read into that exactly what I meant. There was no doubt about it, Bella had changed everything. It was as if I could breathe again. Her smile widened and her cheeks tinged slightly pink. 'Hope your head feels better soon.' **

'**I should…. get going.' she managed to say, and I finally released her hand which I was now gripping tightly. Easy soldier, I warned myself and took a step backwards. I enjoyed Bella's company and I owed her for what she did with me and Issy, but that was as far as it could go. I would do better to remember that. Not only was Emmett convinced I'd fuck things up with her, but I had more than learnt my lesson with women; nothing good would come of thinking about her that way. I soberly watched Alice walked with her to the house. Despite my very best intentions, I instantly wondered when I would bump into Bella again**

**BPOV**

**I walked out to my car feeling as light as a feather. I didn't know how he did it, but the man just had to be an expert on charm. The heart stopping smile he'd just bestowed on me was still etched very firmly in my mind, and I had no doubts at all that I had a very silly grin plastered across my face. Alice turned and hugged me tightly when we reached the front door.**

'**Are you positive you're ok?' she asked me for like the millionth time that morning. 'Cos you can always stay longer.' I smiled to myself and squeezed her back.**

'**Thank you Alice, but I'll be fine, honestly.' For a minute I really wanted to stay. To not go back to my empty apartment and stare at the walls, but instead be around people and life. Despite the obvious head injury, it had felt really good to be counted among the living for a change, and if the accident hadn't happened then perhaps I wouldn't have gotten to meet Issy or spend time with Edward like I did. **

**I felt comfortable talking to Edward; he didn't give me a wide berth or make me feel like a psychiatric patient. Part of me yelled out that it was because he didn't know the truth about me and the other part of me agreed it was only a matter of time till he did. Until then, Edward was a friend. A really bloody good looking friend, but that was by the by. I had Jacob back in my life and as irrational as it sounds, it felt wrong to be thinking Edward type thoughts when I was still in love with him. And Edward had Issy. The way Edward had talked about Issy's mother last night was heartbreaking. To think he had nearly lost them both. I was certain that Edward had no room in his life for romance, and even if he did, why would be interested in me. Guiltily my eyes found Jacob's as he stood beside Alice watching me, his expression not giving anything away. I knew I'd been neglecting him the past few days. 'I'll see you tomorrow.' I said to Alice, stepping back and unlocking my car at the same time. She looked like she was going to say something but eventually decided against it.**

'**Ok drive safe.' she said cheerfully but her expression was one of worry and concern.**

**As soon as I backed out of their driveway, Jacob decided he was speaking to me again. 'Got much of a headache?' he enquired in his usual chirpy way.**

'**No.' I lied, feeling the pressure building inside my skull even after taking aspirin earlier. Jacob was prone to worrying about me excessively, but this was nothing a good long sleep wouldn't cure. Talking of sleep, I remembered the vivid nightmare the evening before and Jacob's absence. I had to ask him 'Where were you last night?' It was a while before Jacob answered, and I had to keep peeking sideways to make sure he hadn't just disappeared again.**

'**Bella, what do you think of Edward?' he finally said and I had to do a double take. I hadn't mentioned Edward. My heart started racing as I considered why Jake would ask me that. Nothing had happened with Edward last night or this morning so why did I feel like I had something to hide.**

**Trying to sound unbothered by his question, I stammered out 'He s-seems nice.' then added more forcefully 'not that I really know him or anything.' **

**Jacob's eyes narrowed. 'Good keep it that way.' His voice had an edge to it that I didn't like, and the whole conversation was making me nervous.**

'**Does this have anything to do with you disappearing on me last night?' I asked again, my voice raising higher in frustration. 'Why can't I be friends with Edward?'**

**He gave me a look that could only be described as disgust. 'I don't trust him Bells, surely that should be enough?' **

**By this point I was feeling more than a little defensive over his dismissal of Edward. 'What has Edward ever done to offend you?' I turned to look at him but he just sat there, staring straight ahead in stony silence. I tried to reason with him. 'You can't tell me who I can and can't be friends with without a reasonable explanation Jake.' but he just snorted with contempt. This time it was my turn to glare at him and to my satisfaction Jacob actually flinched.**

'**I'm just saying.' he shrugged, the friendly overtone back in his voice. 'He has a dark past Bells and I worry about you. Just don't get too attached ok? He's bad news.' I could only stare at him with my mouth wide open. Did he even hear what he just said? He was being an unreasonable pig, and he didn't even know Edward. My guess was that he had a touch of jealousy and didn't know how to deal with it. Well that was just tough, I was going to be friends with Edward whether he liked it or not.**

**A small voice in the back of my mind questioned whether it was really a good idea to be pursuing Edward's friendship with such determination, but I shook it off immediately. I was an adult and more than capable of controlling myself. We'd both been very mature in avoiding a potentially scandalous incident this morning. I'd been having the most gorgeous dream before I was rudely awoken. Lying on a white sandy beach, the tang of sea salt in the air and a slow breeze whispering over my skin. The heat of the sun making my bones liquefy, so godamn relaxed I didn't ever want to wake up. Then suddenly I was lying on the floor and staring up at Edward, his face the picture of shock. Even in my drowsy state I was aware of how awful I actually looked. I could feel my hair doing it's own thing defying gravity, and I knew from running my tongue around my mouth that I had a bad tooth sweater going on. **

**I remembered falling asleep with Edward's arm wrapped around my waist, his body pressed against my back. He'd been asleep when he done it and I guessed that it had scared the crap out of him when he'd woken up. Right then he was staring at me like I'd magically appeared out of thin air and I hadn't a clue how I was going to explain what had happened. This was awkward. But when Emmett's voice cut through my humiliation, I instinctively knew it would be a hundred times worse if Em came down and saw us like this. Edward seemed to have come to the same conclusion as he gave me a quick smile, helped me up onto the sofa again and practically ran into the kitchen.**

**It had been fine though, Emmett had been too preoccupied with the baby to take any real notice of me or the state of the lounge. I smiled, thinking about how I'd caught Emmett with Issy; he'd looked so natural with her and I really felt for Edward. It must be hard having to cope with a tiny baby on your own, and he was clearly struggling. I could still see the look of pure joy when Issy settled in his arms. Perhaps now the spell had been broken, things would start getting easier for them.**

**The next morning my headache still hadn't disappeared. I wondered whether to call in sick or brave it out as I'd been looking forward to this week since I came back. It was my surgical week, a chance to see if I liked cutting people open and stitching them back up again for a living, and I had a pretty good idea I did. Unfortunately though, I couldn't take the pills I wanted to at work. Not unless I didn't mind being found comatose on the operating room floor. They might mistake me for a patient and I'd come home one kidney short or something. I decided against that idea. **

'**You ok Bella? Is it your head?' Jacob asked me. There'd been no more mention of Edward since we got home yesterday.**

'**Yeah I'll be ok, probably just dehydration.' I smiled going into the kitchen to get a glass of water and hoping like hell it was.**

**Jacob looked unconvinced. 'Yeah cos footballs to the head can really do that to you.' he remarked sarcastically but I chose to ignore it.**

**When I reached work, Alice came over to inspect me like I was a piece of abstract art. The stitches were barley visible and I was so thankful I didn't get a black eye. She moved away from me again looking pleased with her inspection.**

'**Good job you didn't get a black eye.' she echoed my thoughts and then stated, 'It wouldn't have faded by the weekend.' I frowned at her, not entirely sure if I'd missed something or if this was Alice's way of saying my weekend was already planned for me. I guessed the latter was probably the case. 'You know Bella I told you last week, Jacob's band are playing Friday night?'**

**Deciding it was a lot easier if I just played along, I said in what I hoped was a convincing voice, 'Oh right yeah, sorry I'm with you now.' Alice just looked at me.**

'**Are you ok Bells? Are you feeling yourself today? Any dizziness, headaches?' I normally shrugged it off, claiming to be fine even if inside I felt like dying, but today I just couldn't be bothered to hide it. **

'**Actually Dr Alice, I do have a persistent headache. Probably from knock to the head at the weekend.' she looked surprised I'd admitted to pain, but then she totally surprised me by saying,**

'**Maybe you should pop by Edward's office at lunch, I'm sure he'll squeeze you in. A proper massage will probably do the trick. Actually here's his number,' and she handed me a little white card with Edward's name on it. I daren't tell her I already had the exact same one in my purse. 'Give him a call now, I'm sure you wont need to be here for the next hour.' Her smile looked genuine, and I could sense no hint of sarcasm in her voice, but I was still waiting for it to be a joke. After all her warnings to keep my hands off him, was she honestly encouraging me to ask Edward for a massage? 'Here look I'll do it now for you, the sooner you go the better you'll feel, honest Bells.'**

**Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Jacob flashing me warning looks but I decided to ignore him. Instead I watched incredulously as she grabbed the nearest phone and dialled the number. Someone must have picked up. 'Yeah hi, can I speak to Edward Cullen please?' she put her hand over the receiver and whispered to me, 'It's Edward's secretary, she has a major crush on him.' before returning to the call. This statement caught me off guard and an unknown feeling flashed through me before I could react. Of course other people would find Edward attractive, he was a really nice guy and quite handsome. Ok, he was charming as hell and fucking gorgeous. He probably had hundreds of girls throwing themselves at him every day. Banishing that thought from my mind, I concentrated on the fact that Alice was still on the phone. 'Ok fine, well just tell him that Bella is on her way over ok?' and she hung up. 'All done.' she announced. 'That was like trying to get can interview with the Queen of England. She's very protective of our Edward.' and she giggled to herself shaking her head. 'Go-on off you go.'**

**I changed in the locker room, pulling on jeans and a pink short sleeved blouse. I slipped my feet into my silver pumps and headed for the door. 'You don't have to go Bella, take some pills, go lie down. I thought it was dehydration?' I smiled at Jacob, trying to ease his fears that I might run off with Edward into the sunset.**

'**It's fine Jake. Edward is trained in this kind of stuff, he should be able to sort it out for me that's all.' and I picked up my bag to leave.**

**I knew Edward's building from that day Alice had introduced us, so I confidently strolled into the waiting room. 'We don't do walk-ins.' I heard someone screeching at me and I turned towards the noise hoping to make it stop. There was a girl sat behind the large desk in the corner, smacking her gum at me and staring as if daring me to try and get past her.**

**I guessed this was the overprotective assistant. Staying exactly where I was, I tried to explain to her. 'I'm sorry, I'm Bella. I think Edward is expecting me.' The young girl glanced up and down at me smacking her gum a few more times, before folding her arms across her chest, and making her breasts spill even further out of the lowest cut top I'd ever seen.**

'**You're Bella?' she asked in disbelief and I could only nod in confirmation. 'I'll let Edward know you're here but there's no guarantee he can see you. He's very busy today.' **

'**Shall I sit down?' I asked but she'd already disappeared into the door behind her desk, no doubt seeking out Edward personally.**

**I was slightly nervous that Edward would think I was taking advantage of him and his skills and wouldn't want to see me, but all my fears melted away as he came out of the door and walked towards me with the biggest grin on his face. I stood up the same time he reached me and I grinned back at him enthusiastically. His eyes were sparkling like I'd never seen before and there was a flush to his cheeks that made him look extremely healthy. A loud cough broke into my thoughts and I realised we'd been staring at each other. The secretary was stood behind Edward with her hands on her hips and shooting me daggers. I was clearly pushing my luck enough as it was. **

**Edward seemed to snap back to reality and hastily stepped to one side. 'Just through that door there' he pointed across the waiting room, the furthest from the secretaries desk, and I could feel her eyes boring into me.**

'**Thanks for seeing me at such short notice.' I spoke softly so as not to let the girl hear, but Edward turned back to me and grabbed my hand.**

'**Bella,' he said looking right into my eyes, 'It's my pleasure.' and I couldn't stop the goose bumps or the feeling that came over me as he said it. All of a sudden I realised I wanted him, badly, and there was nothing I could do to change that.**


	9. Chapter 9

EPOV

Holy shit she was coming here. Soon. I couldn't concentrate, I couldn't keep still, what the hell was wrong with me? I washed my hands four times, wanting them to be clean enough, but also to pass the time. When Jessica had stormed in earlier and started bawling about how rude some people were to assume 'we' were free to see them, I'd groaned and buried my face in my hands. I was dog tired, not having slept a wink the previous night. A deadly combination of a screaming baby and the torturous replaying in my head of the sensation of a certain person's soft warm body wrapped around my own. For some reason, it haunted me, in a god-I-really-need-to-feel-that-good-again kind of way. Since Bella had walked out of that house yesterday, everything I thought had been fixed was now back to being truly spannered again. I almost wished I'd never experienced the better part because now I knew what it felt like to hold Issy, to sleep deeply and dreamlessly, to get close to someone without the fear kicking in. Perhaps I would have been better off not knowing what all those things felt like. You cant miss what you don't know.

But then Jessica had uttered her name, 'She said to tell you that someone called _Bella_ is on her way over. The freaking cheek of some people..' she continued talking but as usual I blocked her out easily. My chest constricted with a mixture of fear and excitement. Bella? Here? For me? My mind was racing and I couldn't get whats-her-face out of the door quick enough.

'I can tell her you're too busy when she turns up?' I heard her say and the words 'No you fucking won't' were out of my mouth before I could stop them. She stared at me, her garish red lips forming a wide 'O'. Forcing myself to be nice, I flashed her what I hoped was a charming smile.

'I'm sorry, I'm just tired.' I said softly as I put my arm around her shoulders and led her to the door. 'You do such a wonderful job, but this patient is very important. Please let me know as soon as she arrives.' I watched her face as she blushed at the compliment.

'Of course.' she all but purred at me, and I shut the door firmly in her face. I'd learned pretty damn quickly that you had to be firm with her or she would worm her way in and never leave. A tediously long afternoon of Jessica offering to be a practice patient for a groin injury massage taught me that.

Hours seemed to pass as I waited for that phone call. I made sure everything was set up in the treatment room and I was ready for any eventuality. I'd guessed Bella was after a back, neck and shoulder massage to ease some of that tension that you could see hunched her shoulders round her ears. By the fleeting hands-on experience I'd already had with her, I was willing to bet it was giving her killer headaches. Just as I was about to check my phone was still receiving incoming calls for the hundredth time, my door swung open.

I didn't even wait for her to confirm Bella's arrival, I knew she was here. I stalked past Jessica impatiently, as she starting opening that gob of hers, and walked straight into the waiting room. As soon as I saw her sat there, I couldn't prevent the beaming smile that took over my face. It was as if she'd been gone for months, not merely hours. Her face literally lit up as I continued towards her and all of a sudden I was standing face to face with the very same breathtaking spirit that refused to leave me to my misery and consumed my every thought. Instantly the outside world disappeared, like I was zeroed in on her perfection. Every breath in was bursting with the scent of her, so sweet it was almost toxic, and her blue eyes made looking anywhere but right at them impossible. Her hair was piled haphazardly on top of her head, and being held in place by the grace of god alone. My hand twitched as if to reach out and stroke away a strand of silk. It should have looked scruffy and careless, but it was sexy as hell. _She _was sexy as hell.

And now she was right next door getting comfortable on _my_ massage table. I was trying extremely hard not to think too much about that. In fact, I should be given a fucking medal for not thinking about Bella removing that pretty little blouse in order to expose her back and neck for me. I'd been right - killer headaches. I hoped to a higher being, that Emmett wasn't going to turn up and beat me seven ways from Sunday for doing this. There was only one reason why was I trying so hard to pretend I could do this friends thing and he was that reason. Bella was the first girl I'd had trouble keeping away from since Tanya, and even then it had been more out of obligation than attraction. With Bella it was different; the more I tried to stay unaffected by her, the more potent she was becoming. I wasn't sure how much longer I was going to be able to keep my word with the big man, or deny to myself how attracted I was to her.

'Edward I'm ready.' I heard her call from behind the door and I took a lung clean singly deep breath, reminding myself I was a professional and this was just another client. Seriously, who was I kidding? My hands were shaking harder than a rattle snake's ass, and I felt like I was walking into a danger zone worse than Iraq. I couldn't separate the intense feeling of terror and exhilaration that was overwhelming me. I was anticipating and dreading touching her in equal measures. The anticipation of feeling her softness and really really liking it, and the dread of feeling her softness and really really liking it; it was making me a little queasy. God I wanted to do this too much. Then a sobering thought hit me, what if I felt nothing? What if I really was dead inside? It felt like everything was hanging in the balance and right then, it could go either way. I knew that whatever happened once I entered those doors, nothing would be the same again. Warning bells were going off like crazy in my head, but I ignored them, and walked into my own personal hell.

'Ok Bella,' I started, my voice sounding way too loud and forced. 'I'm gonna start at your neck and shoulders as that's where most of the tension that causes headaches lie.' I was glad I said that speech at least 20 times a week, as at that very moment my spontaneous speech function had been terrifyingly disabled, and I couldn't have thought of something original to say to her if my life depended on it. I deliberately avoided looking at the small female lying on my table and set about rustling things and moving the trolley I'd set up to a better position, but the truth was I'd prepped this room so thoroughly earlier trying to kill time, that I was pretty much ready to go. I knew I was stalling, but just as I was giving myself a little pep talk to get the hell on with it, I spotted her blouse lying across the chair and nearly bolted from the room. Maybe I couldn't do this after all, perhaps I should go get Dr Monroe to take over.

'You ok?' I heard her kind of squeak, and I suddenly realised she was just as nervous about this as I was, except I was making the whole damn thing a thousand times worse for us both. The thought snapped me out of my stupor and I finally looked at her. Her jeans were still on which was a good way to start, her tiny bare feet peaking out from under them. Her hands were resting palms up on the table, and I noticed how delicate her fingers were. She'd taken her hair down and it spilled over the edge of the table like a chocolate infinity pool. I couldn't see her face, and for once I was fine with that. I needed the discretion that this allowed. But I did notice she was very tense; her whole body like a coiled spring, waiting to be let go, and the towel I'd given her was tucked tightly, right up under her chin.

I smiled to myself and shook my head, instantly feeling a calmness washing over me. How did she do that? Turn me to jelly when I'd been so on edge. I bet she could win me out of any guy-mood. Gently I placed one hand on her back. 'I'm gonna have to pull this down a little.' I said softly, like she was a frightened rabbit and any sudden movements might cause her to make a run for it.

'Oh yeah, fine, cool, no problem, yeah that's ok, sorry, didn't mean, uh yeah, go ahead, that's fine, I'm fine..'

'Bella.' I interrupted her word vomit. 'I can get someone else to do this if it's a problem.' Even though I forced myself to say the words I couldn't help gritting my teeth and praying she would say no. I needed to know she was ok with it. Without warning Bella pushed herself up off the table to look at me, completely forgetting her modesty, and I almost lost it. If it wasn't for the scrap of cotton in which her breasts were concealed, I just might have done. My eyes travelled downwards from her elegant neck, stretched out as she looked me straight in the eye, to her prominent collarbones, quickly past the cotton, and dipping down onto her flat bare stomach.

'No.' I heard her plead, her face revealing the horror I felt at my own suggestion. Realising her hasty move she grabbed the towel and wrapped it back around herself, resuming her position face down on the table, but not before I'd seen her cheeks burning. 'I mean, I don't need anyone else, this is fine. I'm fine with this. As is.' I couldn't help but smile widely at her, wondering who she was trying so hard to convince.

'Okay then.' I continued, and moved the towel lower across her back. I warmed some oil between my palms and carefully laid my hands on top of her shoulders. As soon as our skin connected, I felt the sparks of electricity and my pulse raced violently. I felt a strong urge to pull away from her. Some kind of self-preservation instinct to get the hell out of there before any real damage could be done. I felt Bella shift slightly underneath me and I sharply reminded myself this was work and not pleasure and started pulling my palms gently outwards in a desperate bid to relax and reassure her and myself. I was behaving like a fucking retard today and I'd wanted to make a good impression on her. Not only so she would think I was good at something in my godamn life, but also so that she would come back.

I felt her sigh underneath my touch and I knew she was relaxed enough. Slowly I started moving my thumbs up and around her shoulder blades, feeling the muscles bunched up like a fucking accordion. This was going to take some doing. Her skin was softer than I'd imagined, the slight trace of a tan was unexpected though, seeing as she lived in the rainiest city in America. Normally I wasn't big on making small talk with my clients, but I figured I could milk this situation for all it was worth, and quench my growing thirst for all things Bella.

'Been on holiday recently?' I asked casually, but I instantly felt her shoulders tighten in response.

'No. Why do you ask?' She sounded slightly hostile and for a moment I debated whether to continue my line of questioning and risk pissing her off. But then I figured she knew hell of a lot more about me than I did about her, so I continued.

'It's just that you have a colour to your skin I didn't think was possible to get living in Forks..' She was silent for a while and I would have presumed I'd succeeding in pissing her off, except her shoulders gave her away as they remained fairly relaxed. I continued to ease the knots out from around her shoulders, working in silence. Trouble was, they were so deep even I was struggling to make any real headway. I was concentrating so hard, her voice took me by surprise.

'I moved to phoenix when I was twelve, I only moved back just over four months ago.' I assumed the 'man trouble' Emmett had been referring to was the reason for this move and decided not to bring that particular subject up.

'Do your parents still live there?' I asked instead, thinking it was a safer topic.

She made a strangled noise that resembled a 'No' and my hands froze, recognising the pain in her voice. 'They died. In a car crash.'

'I'm so sorry Bella.' I wanted desperately to pick her up and hold her in my arms that I actually shocked myself. It was one thing to find myself unconsciously holding her, but it was something else to actively crave doing it. I was a little disturbed with the way things were heading in that department. She didn't acknowledge my sympathy and I wasn't sure what else I could say to her. I knew from experience that words meant fuck all anyway. So I started massaging her again, hoping that she would feel better somehow through my touch.

I didn't know how I'd missed them but as I stared at her through my fingers, I began to see pale white scars peppered across her back and neck, ranging from tiny nicks to long scraggly lines. The longest started at the base of her skull and disappeared into her hair. My finger traced the scar as the realisation dawned on me like a punch in the face.

'Were you in the car?' I whispered to her, half hoping she wouldn't hear me and I could continue my life without visualising the horrific scene that kept flashing through my mind, of Bella bloody and unconscious in a torn-up car somewhere. After a second's hesitation she nodded her head and I felt physically sick.

'The smaller ones on my back are from when they pulled me out of the door, it was crumpled pretty bad.' She knew what I was looking at and her voice trembled slightly as she spoke about it. 'The big one on my neck is where the roof of the car caved in and fractured the back of my skull. They sewed me up well, luckily my hair covers most of them.' I couldn't stop staring at this tiny little thing with so much life in her, talking so matter-of-factly about an event that took her parents lives and very nearly took hers too. 'The truck jacknifed, the back end hit my side of the car and sent us spinning. I didn't know any of it, I was knocked out by the roof the second it hit us. My parents were in the back, they died on impact, so I'm told.' I was struggling to take it all in, but the words kept coming. 'The passenger side was bent over my leg, trapping me. I broke it trying to get to him.' her voice was starting to raise an octave at a time and I slowed my hands to a more soothing motion across her back. 'I tried to save him.' She almost whispered and I was suddenly confused.

'Who else was with you Bella?' I asked as a sinking feeling started in the pit of my stomach.

'Jacob.' she answered but I could tell she wasn't really with me, she was lost in the memories. I racked my brains trying to think of anyone mentioning a Jacob. Brother? Friend? Uncle? I had no idea. 'I really tried to save him, I was too late.' she said again this time sounding more distressed, and small sob escaped her.

'It's ok' I murmured rubbing her back, desperate to calm her, but it wasn't working, and with a heartbreaking moan she sat up and launched herself at me. Taking the full weight of her, I picked her up and settled myself on the table, cradling her to me tightly. She was gripping me like I was a life raft on a sinking ship and I cursed myself for opening up such a huge can of worms. She was clearly still grieving. I wondered how she had held it together for so long, before now I had no idea the suffering she was going through: she wore that mask very well. Slowly her cries lost their momentum until it was just her fragile body shuddering, and she turned her face to rest her wet cheek on my shirt just under my chin. My chest swelled. I hated myself for it but there was something about comforting her like this, being the one person she clings to for reassurance that made me feel good. I shouldn't benefit from her pain, but I hadn't felt this sense of being needed in so long. It felt damn fine.

'We were getting married.' she murmured against me and the vibrations of her voice affected me in ways I could not afford to think about too much right now, so much so that it took a while for the words to actually sink in. All at once, the happiness I'd felt moments before vanished, leaving me feeling cold and empty. Jacob was her fiancée. Emmett's intense warning came back to me and for once I knew I had to do the right thing by her. She'd lost the man she loved and planned to spend the rest of her life with, and I was doing nothing but coming on to her like a fucking horny schoolboy. I'd never understood women, couldn't trust any of them. Plenty of them liked me though, and I found myself pretending to be interested, pretending to care, pretending to want to be with them. I thought that was what it was about. Then I meet Bella who turns out to be forbidden, out of my league, and the irony of it is, I'm not pretending. Fucking perfect.

BPOV

I wasn't really sure what was happening. Edward was asking me about the accident and as I spoke the words I could see it all, as clear as if I was there all over again, watching the flames swallow up the car and my life with it. The fumes were so strong, the pain so real, the questions still the same. Why was I still here? Why didn't they leave me there? Once again the reality of that night was overwhelming. I could feel the sobs rising in my throat and taste the saltiness of my tears of defeat. Through the despair I felt a warm trusting presence that I'd never been aware of before. I could feel it pulling me away from the scene, everything becoming blurry and distant until all I could see was darkness.

Gentle hands started to rub my back, and it was so tender it made me cry out loud. I couldn't do this on my own anymore, the loneliness was so unbearable I reached out, just needing to feel the touch of another human. As soon as I saw Edward stood there I felt a huge rush of relief, as if I knew I would be safe now. All at once I was enclosed in his arms and pulled tight against his hard chest. The feeling was incredible, and I was convinced that nothing would get to me as long as I was surrounded by him. To my surprise, the tears continued to flow harder, as if the safety of Edward's embrace had broken down all my barriers and allowed me to fully purge my sadness.

I cried for what seemed like hours, all the fear, loneliness, pain just pouring out of me. Eventually after exhausting myself completely, I let myself sit there and enjoy the moment of being cared for. All the times Jacob had sat by my side and talked me out of my nightmares had been comforting, but he couldn't hold me, or stroke my hair, or rub my back tenderly. This was what I missed and craved, touch. I loved Jacob with all my being, he was my first love, always there for me, we'd done everything together. We were getting married.

It took a few moments for me to realise I'd said these words out loud. The same few moments it must have taken Edward. I felt his arms stiffen and his breathing stop. It occurred to me that this wasn't entirely appropriate, jumping onto his lap and bawling my eyes out so I slowly pushed myself away from his chest and climbed off him, pulling the towel tighter around me. He paused for a second and then coughed loudly, standing up and brushing down his shirt. I braved a quick peek at his face but the anger I saw there made me wish I hadn't. 'I'm sorry Edward I shouldn't ……'

'No I'm sorry.' he interrupted and turned away from me, starting to clear away his equipment.

I looked at him in confusion.

'What for? You weren't the one to become hysterical.'

'No but I was the one to bring it all up again.' he snapped. 'So I'm sorry ok?'

'No. I'm not ok, why are you angry at me?' I was starting to get mad myself. He turned back towards me wide eyed.

'I'm not angry at you Bella.' he protested although he said it through clenched teeth, and I waited for him to elaborate on that. He seemed to be fighting the urge to say something but a loud knock on the door ruined the moment and I sensed I'd never know what it was. His face turned thunderous 'I'll be one minute.' he called to the door, and I knew this was my cue to get out.

'I'd better go.' I mumbled shuffling my feet awkwardly. How had things changed so much in the last few minutes? Edward didn't say anything just stared at me. Then he stepped towards me and took my hands in his. He lifted my chin so that I was looking straight into his eyes. His gaze was so intense I swear my heart had trouble continuing to beat.

'I know my words mean nothing. I can't reverse the past. But I want you to know I am here for you whenever you need someone to talk to.' Edward was deadly serious but he was wrong, right at that moment his words meant everything to me, and despite the thrill of happiness he wasn't put off by my emotional baggage, I couldn't stop the flicker of disappointment that he only wanted to talk. It was stupid and pointless but I'd hoped he was feeling this insane chemistry between us, even though neither of us could or would act on it.

I smiled warmly. 'Thank you Edward, I appreciate that.' and I pulled my hands away from his. I watched as he stepped back slightly and rubbed his hands through his hair.

'Look Bells, the thing is what happened today……'

'It was stupid of me and wont happen again.' I assured him but he frowned at me.

'No, I mean seeing your injuries, it changes things.' I started to panic, thinking maybe he couldn't deal with this after all. 'The injuries could be causing your headaches Bella.' he explained again and I let out a shaky breath. 'The damage caused to the muscles would affect your range of movement if you don't have regular physio, did you receive any physio after the accident?' I kept my mouth shut, not wanting to let on that I'd completely isolated myself after the accident, and the nurses were lucky if I'd even let them change my dressings. 'I thought not.' he said giving me a wry smile. 'Ok, its not too late but it will take quite a lot of work. I would suggest regular sessions, twice a week maybe, for three months initially, see how it goes from there.' He looked at me expectedly and I realised he wasn't joking.

'No no no, I'm fine. Its fine. I don't need regular sessions, it will be ok. It was just a stupid headache.' I tried to sound light and jokey but inside I felt terrified. What if this happened every time Edward massaged me? He'd have me committed and everyone would shake their heads and say, we told you so. They'd call me crazy Bella, and I'd be locked away with no-one but Jacob for company. Actually that wasn't sounding half bad now I'd thought it through a bit…..

'Please Bella just consider it, I can assure you it will only get worse.' I looked into his pleading own eyes, not knowing how to resist him.

'Ok I'll think about it.' I conceded unhappily, and a big smile lit up his face. 'I said think.' I reminded him as he left the room to let me get dressed again. I had a sinking feeling it was only going to get harder to deny Edward anything, including my heart.

Later that day Alice cornered me in the hallway, I'd managed to avoid her all afternoon, fearing she would instantly know what really happened 'So how did it go, headache cured?' She was so bouncy and enthusiastic I didn't have the heart to tell her it had in fact tripled the pain in my skull. The massage itself had been heavenly, the man really did have a gift. But the crying session had drained me and left my head pounding worse than before I went. I'd been so nervous lying there practically naked and waiting for this incredibly gorgeous man to touch me. Every nerve ending was on fire just anticipating his skin on mine, it was petrifying. And then I'd gone and ruined it.

'It was fine, all gone.' I tried to smile back, but I feared it was more of a grimace.

'Excellent.' she exclaimed and I relaxed slightly. 'Edward does amazing things with those hands.' she carried on sincerely as I, shamefully, imagined his hands doing the sorts of amazing things Alice had expressly told me not to. It was only when Jacob started making faces behind Alice's back that I felt guilty for being a terrible friend and unloyal fiancée. I shouldn't have feelings for Edward, it was very wrong on a number of levels. Why couldn't I control myself around him? I was determined to do better.

At the end of my shift I dragged myself to the changing cubicle to get dressed, I was so exhausted it wouldn't take much to get me to sleep tonight.

'So Edward is the wonder healer then is he?' Jacob said with a touch of sarcasm.

'We've been through this Jake, he's just a friend and he was just helping out ok?' Jacob had been moodily quiet since I got back and I had sort of been expecting this.

'You off to see him now then?' he asked, a daring look in his eye.

I stood to face him, 'No, now please drop it.' I carried on getting dressed too tired to have this argument. We walked with Alice to the hospital entrance, she was gibbering something about Jasper's brilliant new idea for the band night on Friday, and Jacob was giving me evils looks. At the doorway Alice spotted Jasper leaning against his shiny black pickup truck, a birthday present from his generous girlfriend which he was a little embarrassed about taking. She'd told Jasper he could buy her what ever he wanted when he was rich and famous, and that seemed to soften the blow to his manliness. Alice ran off waving at me behind her as she went, and Jasper blew me a kiss, nearly causing the poor girl stood in front of me to have a coronary. I rolled my eyes and Jacob laughed with me.

Things almost felt back to normal, but then Jacob's face fell. I suddenly became aware of a diva-like wail coming from the other side of the road and as I followed Jacob's furious gaze, I spied Edward sat on the bench, struggling with Issy and looking extremely flustered. Out of instinct, I went to cross the road, but Jacob's voice stopped me. 'Bella you said.' I felt torn and anxious, I knew Edward needed help right now but I didn't want Jacob to think I was choosing Edward over him. I didn't know what to do. Just then Edward's head snapped up and met my gaze, he smiled tightly and went to stand up almost dropping the thrashing baby. I threw Jacob my best apologetic smile and rushed across the street.

Edward watched me all the way, a grateful expression on his weary face. As soon as I got within spitting distance he closed the gap and shoved Issy into my arms. 'Thank you Bella, you don't know what this means.' He flopped onto the bench and stared at me as I hoisted Issy onto my shoulder and started jiggling her up and down like I'd seen the paeds nurses do on the ward. Edward looked a mess, he was red faced and sweaty, his tie half undone and his shirt partly untucked at the front. There was a lovely daddy-badge, as the nurses called them, on his collar and even from here you could smell the sweet milk odour. I tried not to giggle.

'What happened?' I asked as Issy's wailing died down to just hiccups. I tried not to notice the way she snuggled into my neck for comfort.

'I have no idea.' Edward said sounding sorry for himself. 'I picked her up from nursery and as soon as she saw it was me and not Esme she started howling again. I didn't know what to do so I brought her here hoping to bump into you.' He looked sheepish as he said that last part and I couldn't help laughing. 'I'm sorry, you were so good with her last time, she likes you.'

'Edward she likes you too.' I replied feeling frustrated he was giving up again.

Edward's voice dropped to a whisper and he looked away from me, 'The thing is I don't think she does Bella, its like I've let her down.' He looked so sad in that moment that I would have done anything just to see him smile again. Issy had stopped crying and was snoring lightly against my neck. I sat down next to him.

'That's just silly Edward. You've brought her here, you've given her a home, food, love. She only needs you now.' Edward looked at me reluctantly.

'But I don't know how, I haven't a clue what I'm supposed to do and clearly what I am doing isn't right.' He nodded at the now sleeping angel on my shoulder. 'She doesn't want me, I'm not good enough to be her daddy.'

'Edward you forget, I've seen you with her. She does want you, you just have to have the confidence in yourself.' and I lifted Issy off me and passed her to Edward. This time he didn't complain, he just took her and settled her into the same position on his shoulder. Issy wriggled a bit and let out a tiny whimper as we both held our breaths and sat still as statues. Finally she settled into a comfy spot and continued snoring. Edward looked at me again, with an expression of awe. He mouthed 'Thank you' to me, not daring to speak out loud yet.

I had the strangest feeling of belonging as I sat there watching them. 'You're a good father Edward, you just don't know it yet.' There was a long silence and I couldn't work out the expression on his face. I figured I'd either overstepped the mark or made him think. Without warning, and I think they should come with a countdown as well as a warning, Edward flashed me one of his trademark charm smiles. The kind that stops blood flow to the heart and brain, turns legs to jelly and insides to mush and basically renders you incapable of carrying on life as you once knew it. It was unfair to pull such a stunt on a vulnerable helpless female, especially one who had been trying her hardest not to succumb to the dangerous thoughts in her head.

It was time to go. 'So, if you're all set here….' I started, but the look of disappointment on Edward's face made me trail off at the end. I sat back and made myself comfortable on the bench, drawing my knees up to my chest and turning to face him. Ok so he didn't want me to leave yet. 'Uh, are you going to Jasper's band on Friday?' I asked trying to change the subject.

'I think so.' he said resignedly. 'Alice hasn't given me a choice.' I laughed at this knowing full well how true that was.

'Me either.' I replied smiling, and I was rewarded with another beam. 'Stop doing that.' I muttered and then clasped my hand over my mouth completely mortified. Edward seemed to grin even harder at this and I was willing to bet I was blushing all over.

'Stop what?' he teased, knowing exactly what I was referring to. 'Does it offend you?'

'No.' I snorted loudly and started gathering my bag, ready to go. I stood up and with a bravery I didn't know I possessed said, 'You know what it does to me, you use it for that exact purpose Edward Cullen and don't pretend you don't know what I'm talking about.'

'Do I affect you Bella?' he said as I turned, the smile evident in his voice.

'See you around Edward.' I replied, and I could hear him chuckling to himself as I walked away from him and all his charming magnetism. I couldn't deny it, I liked Edward's company a little too much. He was sweet and thoughtful, dangerous and sexy, and the whole combination pulled me to him like a moth to a bloody flame; I was destined to get burned.

'Did you think about the offer?' Edward called after me and despite my earlier reservations I found myself calling back,

'Yes. I'll do it.'


	10. Chapter 10

EPOV

I affect her. She was coming back, and I affect her. She thinks I'm a good daddy, and I affect her.

This was all I could think of as I practically swaggered back to the car and strapped Issy into her seat. She didn't even murmur. I could feel my ego growing by the second. She didn't cry when I took her out again at the house and carried her into the kitchen. She bounced quite happily on my knee, trying to shove her tiny fist into her mouth, while I warmed up my dinner Esme had left for me. When she started to fuss, I took a bottle from the fridge and stuck it in the microwave. Then we both settled in the lounge, me feeding her as I ate, and watched sports with Emmett. Hell yeah, this was more like it. He looked strangely at me and I wondered if I'd picked up the wrong baby or something.

'Were you just smiling?' he asked, the shock quite obvious in his voice.

'It happens.' I shrugged him off and he turned back to the screen shaking his head.

'Just because you have the emotional range of a teaspoon doesn't mean we all do.' Rosalie muttered as she made her way into the lounge and perched on the sofa next to Emmett. 'Hi Edward, Issy.' she said in our direction. I noticed she was holding her lower back as she eased down onto the seat, and I knew how easy it was to release some of that pressure. I couldn't help analysing people for pain, it was alien to me that they put up with it, when they could just come see me.

'You wanna get Emmett to massage your back Rosie, make him do some of the work.' Rosalie looked at Emmett and then started laughing. He kissed her cheek and stood up to leave.

'Be my guest mate, I haven't got a sofa king clue about that stuff.' and he left the room, tossing the remote just out of Rosalie's reach.

'You'd be an angel if you would Edward' Rosalie pleaded, 'I'd be your on-call baby sitter for a week if you could just make it bearable.' I watched her shifting uncomfortably on the sofa and couldn't stand it anymore. Gently I put Issy down into the Moses basket Esme had set up in here for her.

'Ok, shift forward.' I told her and her face lit up. Feeling slightly embarrassed, I ducked behind her and was glad she couldn't see my face anymore. Slowly I began to put pressure on her lower back with my palms, heating the muscles and loosening any tightness. 'Is that ok?' I asked her but I only got a satisfied 'hmmmm' in reply. I smiled to myself, thinking back to Bella and her reaction to my smile. Of course I knew when to turn it on to my advantage, but I honestly hadn't been trying to charm Bella, it just happened. It was her comment about me being a good father. Even if it wasn't quite true, the fact that Bella thought I could be was enough for me. I think I would have kissed her if I hadn't been holding Issy, and she hadn't just told me she was engaged and her fiancée was dead. After the afternoon's events with Bella, I'd been so pissed off with myself, certain that I'd been imagining this thing I had with her was mutual, but now I wasn't so sure. If Bella didn't feel this attraction then she wouldn't be 'affected' by my smiles, or if she was she wouldn't have minded as much as she did this evening. Should I assume that because she got narked at being 'affected', that she was more 'affected' than she wanted to admit to? I had no fucking idea, maybe I needed a woman's opinion.

'Um Rosie, can I ask you something?'

'Uh-hmmmmm'

I tried to be cunning. 'I'm thinking of buying a new car, and I've seen this car I really like but I don't know if it's right for me.' I waited for her to catch my drift. 'Some people don't want me to have this particular car, they think I wont look after it properly, and I'm not really sure if it's available yet anyway.'

Rosalie turned her head to look at me. 'We're not talking about Volvos are we?' I cleared my throat feeling stupid and Rosalie turned back.

'Ok, no. You see there's this friend of mine…'

'Edward you don't have any friends.' she interrupted and I hung my head gloomily. 'Let's just start with you like this girl, carry on.'

I took a deep breath and prayed she wouldn't guess who I was talking about. 'I like this girl, but things are complicated.'

'Edward, life is complicated.'

'Yeah but this is complicated on a whole new level.' I started pushing deeper with my thumbs, feeling how easy it was to manipulate the muscles compared to Bella's earlier.

'Ok, but does she like you?'

'I don't know.'

'Well have you asked her?'

'God no!' I froze momentarily, just imagining the look of horror on Bella's face if I did.

'Edward. Why not?' I couldn't think of a good reason I wanted to share with her.

I tried to be vague and not arouse any suspicion. 'She recently broke up with her boyfriend, and I think she's still in love with him. It was sudden.'

'Oh.' was all Rosalie replied but I didn't like the tone of that _oh._

'What's that supposed to mean?' I asked warily, not sure if I really wanted to hear it.

'Girls hearts are fragile Edward, you might have to just give her time.' That was fine, time I could deal with, it was the whole thing with Emmett that bothered me.

'She also has a very protective uh brother, he's already warned me not to get involved.'

Rosalie started laughing. 'Uh-oh, sounds like something Emmett would do.' .,lI had to try really fucking hard not to react to that statement. 'If he's really that protective of her you'll have to do some sucking up, earn his trust that kind of thing. He'll cause trouble if you don't.' I didn't like it one bit, but she was right. Emmett didn't trust me because he didn't know me. If I proved I was trustworthy maybe he'd get off my case about Bella. I swept my thumbs across her back and realised I'd worked out every kink.

'You're all done.' I said and moved from the sofa to check on Issy.

'God I could sleep for a week.' Rosalie answered as she lay back on the sofa rubbing her globe-like belly. Tanya had hated her stomach, the bigger she got the more disgusted with herself she became. I sometimes wondered if it was getting fat or that it was part of me growing inside her that caused such blatant hatred.

Satisfied Issy was deep in sleep, I decided to have a quick shower. 'Could you watch her for five minutes?' I asked Rosalie and she waved me away in response, not even opening her eyes. Just as I was leaving the room I heard my name.

'Edward.' She murmured from the sofa. 'Next time you see her, if you really want to know how she feels, pay close attention to her eyes. If she likes you she wont be able to keep her eyes off you, and if she stares at your mouth you can bet she's thinking about kissing you. She'll give it all away without even realising it.' As much as her advice intrigued me, I doubted that very much, if Bella could keep her life tragedy a secret from me then I was sure as hell she could keep her feelings hidden. Still, the thought that she might be thinking about kissing me was sending tremors of excitement through my stomach.

A thought occurred to me as I hesitated in the doorway. 'Could you not repeat this conversation.' I didn't want to explain my reasons why and thankfully she never asked for them.

'No problem. Now go away and let me enjoy my pain free body for five minutes.'

The next day was a bitch. I couldn't sit still for five minutes, I snapped at everyone including Jessica who I normally ignored with ease.

'You got something on your mind?' she asked me after the fourth time I'd demanded to know where the hell my diary had gone and she'd pointed out I didn't have one. Eventually, she'd found me a brand new one, but then I couldn't even find my pen.

'No. Why?' I bit out tersely, hoping she'd get the hint and leave me the fuck alone.

'JTTOT' she mumbled back and I felt like hitting something, she always did this.

'What?' I all but shouted at her.

'Just throwing that out there.' she replied as if _I _was the one being weird, and stalked off towards the ladies. Now that she'd mentioned it though…

'Hold on yes.' I called out stopping her in her tracks. ' I do have something on my mind. Could you cover me for 20 minutes, I have to go do something.' I flashed her a brief smile and felt relieved as she returned it, her whole face softening as she walked back to me.

'Of course I can Edward, you know I'll do anything to help.' she placed her hand on my arm and I felt a tiny bit sick, I had to get out of here.

'Great, that's fab, thanks.' I grabbed my stuff and rushed out the door before she could accost me any further.

_Fab?_ who the fuck says fab? I shook my head as I crossed the road hoping I was doing the right thing. The woman at the reception desk looked bored as hell as I approached her. I coughed quietly to catch her attention and her head snapped up from the magazine she was reading. Instantly her hostile face changed as a big grin spread across it and she sat up straighter sweeping her bleach blond hair back with an extensively manicured hand. Was she actually batting her eyelashes?

'Dr Cullen, what a pleasure it is to see you again.' she drew out the word _pleasure_ and I had to stop myself from running in the opposite direction. Carlisle had introduced me to everyone when I'd been doing interviews, clearly some people never forgot a face.

'It's Mr, I'm not a doctor.' but she dismissed my comment with a wave of her hand.

'What can I do for you Dr Cullen.' she asked me, leaning forwards on the desk as if she wanted to check out my stubble rash. I started to feel nervous and hastily checked around me for my escape routes just in case things got out of hand. She was old enough to be my mother.

'Edward?' It was her, I breathed a huge sigh of relief and turned towards her voice. She looked tired, her eyes bloodshot and weary, with dark shadows underneath that emphasised her skinny bone structure. Her hair was tied back, but as usual not playing the game, and she was dressed in blue oversized scrubs that practically swamped her. I'd never see her look so beautiful.

'I forgot mine.' she blurted out looking embarrassed. Damn, she'd caught me looking. I smiled and walked over to her, suddenly needing to be closer. As I watched her look away from me and start fiddling with the tie on her scrub top, I remembered what Rosalie said and felt disappointed. It seemed to me that Bella was doing anything but look at me. I knew there was a reason I didn't pay attention to that psychobabble, it was all bullshit anyway.

'What are you doing here?' she asked me, still engrossed in her top. I had the most overwhelming urge to pick her up and carry her off to the nearest bed and fuck her senseless. It was the only thing I could think about, and it was turning me on so much that I'd have to think about sitting down soon. Now it was my turn to be embarrassed.

'Uh, you said you wanted to do the thing, the sessions, the sessiony thing.' I was making a complete ass of myself and to make matters worse, Bella was trying her hardest not to smile at me. I didn't understand, I never got tongue-tied around women.

'Oh, ok sure.' she said, the corners of her mouth twitching upwards, which only forced me to imagine her full, pink, cushiony lips wrapped around my….ok enough was enough.

'Great.' I had to go, now. 'I wrote down my available appointments for the next week, let me know which are good for you.' I handed her the paper I'd carefully written dates and times on. It took me four attempts to write the sodding thing without coming across as needy, and I'll be damned if I didn't give it to her after all the effort. She reached out to me and I felt her hand touch my own. I stroked her hand as she took the paper, unable to help myself. Her skin was so soft and delicate, yet her touch was so electrifying. I noticed the sparks I felt were mirrored in her eyes and I knew I was a goner. Never before had I been so strongly affected by a woman, especially one that hadn't even laid a finger on me voluntarily. It was a little unnerving.

'Thank you.' She all but whispered, keeping her head down and avoiding my eyes.

'I better go.' But I stood there, waiting. I didn't know what for but I knew I didn't want to leave her yet. I wanted to touch her again.

'I don't have your number.'

'Oh um here.' I grabbed a pen from the desk behind me and held out my hand for the paper I'd just given her. I scribbled my works number and then my mobile for good measure. I handed the paper back smiling, even though I was shaking inside. Bella took the paper again from me, this time careful not to let our hands touch.

'So are you going on Friday night?' I heard her say, and I almost jumped out of my skin with surprise.

'Are you?' I shot back, hoping for a yes.

'I was thinking about it.' I could tell from here that Bella was smiling, even though she hid her face from me.

'Then yes, I'll be going.' Without warning Bella's head snapped up and her gaze met mine. She was so mesmerising I couldn't take my eyes off her for a second.

'I'll see you Friday then.' She murmured, and I didn't think I could smile any harder. It wasn't that she was the most beautiful girl I'd ever seen, it wasn't that she was affecting me in ways I'd thought I'd ever be affected again, and it wasn't the fact that we'd be going out together Friday night. The reason I was smiling so hard was that Bella was staring, unashamedly, directly at my mouth, and she licked her lips. That was die-hard flirting if ever I saw it.

BPOV

I couldn't believe Edward was here, I couldn't believe he was looking at me like that, and I couldn't believe I was standing there like a smitten schoolgirl with a silly crush. I had to get a grip on my hormones. Once Edward left I looked at the sheet of paper he'd given me. There were dates every other day and mostly lunch time slots. I hoped he hadn't given up his lunch to fit me in, although saying that, that's probably what I'd have to do to go as regularly as Edward wanted.

'What you got?' Alice asked as she appeared behind me, eating her way through bag of wheetos the size of an actual six year old. I had no idea how she stayed so toned with all the junk she ate, must be all that great sex with a young, gorgeous man. I wondered for a split second if Edward would have the same effect on my thighs, and then mentally kicked myself for it.

'Nothing.' I replied, shoving it deep into the oversized tent pocket I was wearing as a replacement uniform. I still had no idea how I'd forgotten to pick up my dry cleaning that morning. It was a routine trip every Tuesday. I was tired though. Horrified, I remembered how bad I'd looked in the mirror that morning. I was too tired to spend an hour making my face presentable before work, and I wasn't planning on bumping into anyone of any importance. Until Edward. _Ah-ha! So he is important to you._ My mind screamed at me, but I politely ignored it. Just because he was the most beautiful man I'd ever laid eyes on, or that he was kind and sweet and genuine, or even that I'd needed to kiss him so much just now that I'd almost given into the craving, didn't mean he was important to me. Somehow though, I felt like I was only trying to convince myself.

'So what are you wearing Friday?' she continued, licking her fingers which had turned decidedly orange. I rolled my eyes at her knowing she'd already picked out my outfit and this conversation was pointless.

'I don't know yet, what am I wearing?' I turned to face her and she grinned at me, not even trying to hide it.

'Well smarty pants, you'll just have to see then wont you.' I didn't like the sound of that at all, but she waltzed off before I could stop her. 'Oh and be at mine for 6.30,' she called behind her. 'Esme's making her famous fajitas and apple pie for dessert.'

This perked me up a little. I loved Esme's apple pie. She would make it for us on special occasions, and if we were just feeling under the weather; there was nothing more comforting. But now I had work to get to.

'That's not fair you get to have Esme's pie and I have to watch you eat it.' Jacob complained as we made our way to x-ray to pick up some films for my patients. 'Don't tell me how good it is, no wait, you'll have to tell me how good it is, or actually don't.' I had to laugh, he looked so torn it really was quite sweet. Apart from when I was with Edward, Jacob hadn't left my side, and he'd been in a much better mood with me. I didn't know what he had against Edward, maybe the fact that his fiancée behaved like teenager around him didn't help. I seriously couldn't stop it though, it was as if Edward cast some kind of spell on me when I was with him; it felt like I had no control over my feelings when he was there. I knew it wasn't an excuse and I felt bad for doing it.

'Maybe, but I was thinking about not going on Friday.' A huge smile replaced his frown and the gnawing sensation of guilt I felt over ditching on Alice and Jasper was briefly overshadowed by his happiness.

'Really? We'll stay at home?' and I nodded my head at him, a giggle escaping my lips. We hadn't sat at home like hermits for what seemed like ages, I sorta missed it.

'Sure I'll tell Alice later today, she'll understand.' I wasn't entirely sure she would but I knew she also wouldn't make me.

'And no Edward for an entire weekend.'

'What?' the bubble burst as quickly as it was blown. I had to know what this was all about. 'What is so wrong with Edward?'

'Bella please lets not do this.' but I was determined to know.

'Yes Jacob, lets do this.' I moved into an empty office and shut the door, Jacob was right behind me. 'Now please tell me, why do you disappear whenever he's around? Is that why you don't want me seeing him?' Jacob winced and looked as if he was debating telling me something. 'Spit it out Jake.' I warned him, my voice quiet and menacing.

'Yes, and no. I don't know why I can't be around him, but I don't like the fact that I cant see you when he's there. Just trust me, he'll end up ruining everything. I want you to stop spending time with Edward.'

'Jacob that's ridiculous.' Was that right, could Jacob really not see me around Edward?

'It's not ridiculous, believe me. If you love me you wont see Edward again.' It finally sank into my tired brain what Jacob was suggesting and I was speechless. How dare he come into my life after everything I'd gone through and start making demands of me, telling me who I can and cannot be friends with. He left me. He had no right to ask anything of me. I'd been the one to pick up my life and start again, left behind alone and wishing I had died right alongside them. I had made it this far without him and I wasn't going to stand for this shit now.

'You better not mean what you just said.'

Jacob's face changed from anger to fear, as he realised I wasn't going to pander to his ultimatum. 'He's not right for you Bella, I am.'

'But Jacob you are dead.' For the first time since the accident a small part of me fully acknowledged the significance of that statement. Jacob _was_ dead. And I was alive. I loved Jake wholeheartedly and always would do but I had to start facing reality. I had to make a choice between life or death.

'Look Bells I'm sorry, please don't be mad with me. Go to the party Friday, I honestly don't mind, I was just being selfish wanting you to myself but there'll be plenty of time for that.' I watched his face closely but he seemed genuine, the anger had gone. I smiled weekly back at him. What was I going to do?

'We need to get going.' I said looking at my watch, I should have been there ten minutes ago. I walked out into the corridor and felt Jacob walking behind me. He started whistling 'show me the way to go home' a song we always sang when we were walking back through the forest late at night and didn't want to think about what was surely waiting to eat us. We didn't know it was a drinking song back then. The recollection made me smile sadly at Jacob and he caught my eye and winked back.

I was going to go to that stupid party on Friday and I was going to enjoy it. I was sick of holding back my life, wishing on what could have been. From now on I was a going-with-the-flow kinda girl. I wasn't going to make a choice, I was going to let it make itself. Until then I wasn't going to waste my time dwelling on it. As I continued walking, now on a complete tired high, my mother's voice came into my head. I was awful at making decisions and it used to drive everyone around me mad, except her. She'd just smile and tell me the same old thing, even though it left me more confused. It was those same words that came back to me now.

'Bella, deciding not to choose is still making a choice.' and I still didn't want to think about what the hell that meant.

By the time I reached x-ray, I was ready for a sleep. A nice peaceful lie down somewhere would be just what I needed. Instead I approached the desk and showed my name badge.

'I'm here to collect some films. Dr Steven's sent me.' The receptionist nodded at me and disappeared out the back.

'Ew look over there.' Jacob whispered in my ear and I followed his gaze to where a young boy was sat patiently with his mother. At first I couldn't see what Jacob was so fascinated by but then he turned to look at us both and I clearly saw two small plastic feet of a lego man sticking out of his left nostril and the same sticking out of his right nostril. I had to stifle my giggles.

'Here you go,' the receptionist called out, bringing my attention away from the lego chilld. She was holding out the brown envelopes to me and I reached over to take them from her, except I missed them completely and grasped at air. I could see them there but for some reason I couldn't take them. The receptionist frowned at me as if I was wasting her time and slammed them onto the desk in font of me. This time I picked them up without difficulty and a cold tremor ran down my back. It must just have been the lighting that altered my perception slightly.

'What's wrong Bells?' Jacob asked me as we left the reception area.

'Nothing Jake.' I answered him but with less conviction than I'd intended. I wished I could just be alone to think for a minute. He moved in front of me so I couldn't avoid his eyes.

'You would tell me if there was something wrong wouldn't you? I need to know Bella, please promise me you would.' There was something about the urgency of his voice and the tension in his face that made me think twice about whether I would.

'Of course I would silly. You'd be the first to know anyway, you never leave my side.' Suddenly I knew what I needed to do for some quiet time.

I found Dr Stevens and dropped off the envelopes and then went to my locker to change. 'Are you going out to lunch?' Alice asked me as she passed me in the corridor.

'Uh yeah, I'll be back later.' I added before she could invite herself along. I pulled the paper Edward had given me out of my pocket and smiled.

'Where are we going for lunch?' Jacob asked me looking too pleased with himself, obviously thinking I'd blown off Alice for a quiet lunch together. I should have felt guilty, I should have gone to lunch with Jake, but I needed to do something for me. Minutes later I was walking out of the hospital doors towards the therapy centre with my fingers crossed. The annoying receptionist stared at me when I walked through the door and I shot her my best assertive face.

'Is Edward still free please?' I asked her but she continued to stare. I started towards his office. 'Shall I find out for myself?' and this sprung her into action.

'Yes, I mean no.' She shouted at me running in front of me and blocking the path to Edward's door. 'I mean, he's busy, sorry. Why don't you make an appointment to come back another day?' I recognised that patronising tone and it grated on my last nerve.

'Ok fine, I'll just call him.' She watched in horror as I dug my mobile out of my bag and rang the number on my piece of paper. Edward answered in two rings.

'Bella?'

'Hi Edward, are you free for about half an hour?' The receptionist still had her mouth open and was starting to go a funny shade of purple.

'Sure, yeah, come on over.' He sounded pleased I'd called.

'Actually I'm stood outside your door.' There was a small pause and then a click as the door opened and Edward stood there looking surprised and confused all at the same time.

'Well come on in.' He said still talking to me through his phone. I nodded my head towards the stalker receptionist and walked past her to join Edward.

'Thank you very much Edward.' I said pointedly in her direction, and I hung up my mobile.

Once we were inside his office, I sat down gratefully on one of his huge padded armchairs, probably designed for ergonomic comfort or whatever that really meant. I sank into the leather and leaned my head back, closing my eyes and savouring the silence.

'Uh can I help you Bella?' Edward asked me, now more confused than ever. I couldn't help but smile as I opened my eyes and found him staring at me.

'No, actually I'm fine. Would it be ok if I just sat here for a while? It's quiet here, and I just want to sit.' How could I explain that the only way I could get a break was by sitting here with him, because for some reason he kept my dead fiancée from being around me. How ironic was it, that I'd wished and prayed so hard for so long to have Jacob back, and now that I'd got him, I was desperate to make him disappear for a while. It was just a short while, I justified to myself. Everyone needs a break.

'Oh ok, yeah no problem. Shall I just carry on?' I nodded and smiled at him, wondering how many other men would be so obliging of a psychotic female barging in and taking up their time. Edward sat down at his desk and carried on writing where he'd obviously left off. I closed my eyes again, letting the gentle scratching of the pen on the paper lull me.

When I woke up, I was briefly disorientated. A jacket had been laid over me, and I recognised the smell as being Edward's. I held on to it a second longer, breathing in his masculine scent. Edward was still sat in his chair but he was watching me with faint amusement on his lips. Fear hit my stomach hard, shit had I been snoring, dribbling? I sat up quickly wiping my chin. Out of the corner of my eye I caught the clock and panicked. I'd been here nearly an hour. Quickly I stood up and moved towards the door.

'I have to go. Thank you for letting me uh, sleep for a while.' Aargh I I knew I was blushing hard.

'You're welcome anytime.' he smiled, and then moved from his chair to come around to face me. He'd come a lot closer than I was expecting and I jumped a little when his hand touched mine.

'Oh sorry did you want to keep it for a while, are you cold?' I looked down and realised I was still holding tightly to his jacket. I shook my head unable to form a sentence in my sleep addled brain, plus the fact that he was standing so close I was having trouble breathing. His hand closed around my own, his long fingers capturing my wrist. I lifted my head and was drawn straight into his chocolate gaze, his eyelids heavy and hooded. My eyes moved over his perfect cheekbones before picking out the most appealing pair of lips I have ever had the misfortune to come across and not test out their kissing ability. I didn't know who moved towards who but at that moment the semantics didn't matter one bit. Before I knew what was happening those very same lips were touching mine and I was sighing into his mouth. It was the softest, most gentle kiss I'd ever experienced yet my head swam and my knees almost buckled. And then it was over and Edward was apologising and moving away from me. I was stunned, completely immobilized by what just happened. Edward had disabled my ability to think straight let alone remember what I was supposed to be doing now. That kiss was on repeat in my head, over and over and completely distracting. I needed fresh air.

I noticed Edward was standing on the other side of the room with his back to me and I was thankful I could make a quick exit. 'Thanks for well, you know.' I mumbled not really sure of the proper etiquette after a kiss like that. Edward turned to face me and my eyes instantly went to his lips, those lips that had far exceeded expectations.

'Bella..' Edward started and my heart sank. I didn't know what I thought about all this yet but I really didn't want him to apologise for it or make excuses.

'It's fine, you don't have to say anything.' I interrupted and Edward frowned.

'I was just going to say did you want me to pick you upon Friday?' He grinned teasingly at me and I laughed.

'I'm not supposed to get involved with you.' I stated seriously.

'Me either.' he returned.

'I've got some serious issues going on.'

'So have I. Will you go out with me anyway?' He looked so unsure of himself in that moment that I would have said yes to anything just to make him feel better.

'Ok, but as friends.' I conceded. 'You can pick me up at 6.'

Edward grinned. 'Done.'

'So I'll see you later then?' I dropped his jacket onto the chair and walked back to the door. The sound of Edward's voice stopped me in my tracks.

'Bella, anytime you want to just come and sit, you're more than welcome.'

I pushed down the handle and opened the door. 'Thank you.' I said wishing I had the bottle to reply that anytime he wanted to kiss me like that he was more than welcome. I closed the door behind me and walked out with a huge smile on my face. Edward was picking me up. I couldn't help hoping that Alice had ignored all my previous attempts at toning down her outfit choices for me, was it wrong that I was keeping my fingers crossed for a killer outfit? For the first time in my life I was looking forward to looking sexy.


	11. Chapter 11

EPOV

It was gone six when I eventually drove into Bella's street. She was standing outside with a bag in her hand and looked like she was having a heated conversation with herself. I smiled with amusement, oddly it only added to her charm. She was a strange character. Bella looked up as I pulled up alongside her and gave me a tense smile. Automatically my hackles went up, ready to beat the fuck out of whoever upset her. I opened my door and stepped out.

'You ok?' I moved around the car towards her but she'd already pulled the door open. I held it for her as she slid into the seat and looked back up at me.

'Fine. Can we just go?' I watched her face for a second, noticing how she was frowning at something just behind me, but as I turned around there was no-one there, just her empty house. Hurriedly, I shut the door and hopped over the bonnet. I climbed in the drivers side and clipped my seatbelt on and then noticed she was smiling at me, a proper smile, not just pretending.

'Show-off.' She muttered and then giggled as I tickled her ribs. The sound was so arousing, I was really fucking glad I was sat down. A memory of yesterday flashed into my mind. She'd got to me then too when she'd kissed me in my office. I'd been stood there about to take my jacket from her when I couldn't remember ever wanting to kiss someone so badly. I could tell she was staring at my mouth again and I was debating with myself whether to test Rosalie's theory, but then she'd just done it. The briefest touch of her smooth satiny lips, her sweet breath across my mouth, the close proximity of her hot tantalising body and I'd all but come in my pants. It had taken every effort on my part to break the kiss and move as far away as I could from her, my dick unmistakably straining against the thin material of my trousers. How on earth did she have that much of an effect on me with only her lips pressed against mine? I thought back to my last encounter with a woman, when I'd been extremely drunk and pissed off with Tanya, enough to let a busty blonde who'd been offering it to me on a plate for years, finally get her hands on me. She had tried every trick in the book to arouse me then, but it just wasn't happening. Now, Bella could get me hard just breathing in my direction and I wasn't even allowed to think of her that way, fucking marvellous.

'What's on your mind?' I ventured, hoping it was something trivial and easily fixed, but knowing by the look on her face earlier it was going to be complex as hell.

'You'd think I was crazy.' She laughed. 'It's fine now.' And she smiled at me like I was her knight in shining armour rescuing her from a dragon. My chest lifted and I felt full of pride for some reason, even though I had no idea what I'd done to deserve such a smile. Hell, I was taking all I could from her, god knows how much longer I would be able to. Emmett had all but growled at me when I'd told Alice I would pick Bella up this evening. I made the excuse I'd left my wallet at work and I might as well get Bella while I was there. Alice was grateful and even offered to look after Issy while I was gone, but Emmett was still shooting daggers at me behind her back.

I guessed he wasn't coming round on the whole stay away from Bella thing, although it seemed like he wasn't the only one. _'I'm not supposed to get involved with you.' _Bella had said to me yesterday and I'd been more than a little stunned. Had Bella been warned off me too? I could see plenty of reasons why and perhaps they were all right; I knew I wasn't the best person for Bella. Maybe I was being selfish and unreasonable by being around her, falling asleep on sofas with her and kissing her back, but all I knew was that I had not felt this alive, ever. Some kind of magnet was pulling me towards Bella and I didn't want to fight it.

We drove in silence, Bella looking deep in thought and me surreptitiously glancing at her out of the corner of my eye. She looked so unassuming in her baggy sweatshirt and jeans, her hair scraped back into a ponytail, and her face clean of any makeup. But I knew what lay under all that fabric and how her hair fell in soft waves when let out of that band. I knew her temptingly sweet scent (there was still traces of it on my jacket from yesterday), I had stroked that smooth as silk skin, felt those soft lips, and fallen under the spell of her dazzling blue eyes. To me she was simply stunning.

I swung the Volvo into the drive with more care than usual and switched off the engine. The front door to the house suddenly flew open and a squealing Alice came skipping over to us. As I prepared myself for the impact, I felt Bella's warm fingers resting lightly on my thigh and I stared at her too shocked to react.

'Thank you for the lift.' She murmured before Alice grabbed the passenger door and hauled her out, ranting something about having nothing to wear. Bella rolled her eyes back at me and I smiled waving her on ahead. I'd have to sit here for a while now anyway and allow things to calm down, thanks to someone's tiny fingers.

Emmett accosted me as soon as I walked through the door and pulled me into the kitchen. He motioned for me to sit down but didn't join me there. Instead he paced the kitchen floor and I wondered if he had seen Bella's little stunt in the car or worse, found out about the kiss. Just as I was considering making a run for it he stopped pacing and sat down in front of me.

'There's no easy way to say this.' he started and I tensed myself ready for the smack in the face I deserved. 'Do you want to borrow something to wear for tonight? Shit I sound just like a fucking girl.' I was so relieved he hadn't realigned my nose that I was thrown for a minute. That and the fact that it was the first time I'd ever heard Emmett actually swear, not just soundalike swearing. 'Ah forget it, just I thought you might not have much stuff cos of the move and everything and I asked Rose and she thought you might appreciate it but..' .

'Yeah great mate, thanks.' I interrupted before he changed his mind about the whole thing. I hadn't actually given a seconds thought to what I was gonna wear, but now that he mentioned it I only had my suit and a couple of pairs of holey jeans. Emmett stopped mid sentence, his mouth wide open still, then it changed back to his usual grin.

'Awesome, Rosie's upstairs just knock and she'll grab you something decent.' At that moment Jasper walked in holding two dresses on hangers, both of which defied the term clothing, and more suited the term lingerie.

'Which one?' We stared incredulously at him. 'Not for me.' He quickly added, recognising the look Emmett was giving as a lead up to insults flying his way.

'Who for then Jasmina?' Emmett interrupted holding his hand up for me to hive five him. I ignored it.

Jasper rolled his eyes. 'I was asked to get your opinion, ok? So just choose one.' We all looked hard at the two scraps of material. One was black, plain, but low cut at the front and looked very fitted. The other was a pink floaty type material, with sparkly bits all over and a non-existent back to it. What the fuck did I know? I thought Bella would look amazing in one of my t-shirts, that's how much I cared about girl clothes.

'Who for?' I asked but Jasper just shrugged.

'I wasn't told specifics.' He replied a bit shirty.

Emmett turned to me. 'Would you hold him so I can kick him in his ovaries?'

Jasper looked worried for a moment as I laughed openly. 'Thanks for being so understanding guys.' he muttered sarcastically before skulking off.

'I got your back sister!' Emmett called after him and I had to hold my sides for fear of them splitting. 'Damn April baby, does whatever she tells him.' He said standing up. 'Right, gotta go get some bananas and watermelon for Rosie to get her through tonight. Its her new food craving.' He explained to me, in case I thought he was suddenly hankering for a fruit fix. I smiled at the paradox of Emmett running around for Roslie and thinking Jasper is under the thumb.

'Doesn't sound too bad.' I'd gotten better at dealing with Rosalie being pregnant. I think a lot of it had to do with things improving between me and Issy, but also I'd learnt to separate my feelings about Tanya's pregnancy and Rosalie's. I was still on edge about the whole thing, but I reasoned that Rosalie wasn't Tanya and wouldn't make the same decisions she did. It didn't stop me reliving the experience over and over, but then I was pretty much doing that anyway.

'What, watermelon and banana sandwiches with mayo and onion? Sounds pretty disgusting to me.'

Just when I'd thought I'd got away without a lecture from Emmett, he turned and looked me straight in the eye.

'I know what's going on, with Bella.' My heart started hammering so hard in my chest and I had an overwhelming urge to deny everything I'd ever done. 'I'm glad she's accepting some kinda help, even if it happens to be you she's going to for it. But don't go thinking you can make a move on her now she's your client or whatever, you understand?' and in that moment I was pretty sure I did. Emmett was talking about the therapy, he didn't know anything else, that much I was willing to bet my bottom set of teeth on. 'The same rules apply Cullen.' He said before giving me a playful jab on my arm and walking out of the room.

This thing was really starting to piss me off. Why couldn't Bella make her own mind up about us, it was her life after all. And what right did he have to make me stay away from her? It was ridiculous and I felt like I would have to say something sooner or later. I wasn't going to force Bella to do anything she didn't want to, but at the same time, who was I to stop her if she did want to do something? So I decided that the ball was definitely in Bella's court and anything that happened from now on would be because Bella initiated it.

I went to see Rosalie and she'd already picked out an outfit for me, dark blue jeans, desert boots and a black short sleeved shirt. The women in this house were definitely in control. She assured me Issy would be fine with her whilst I showered and changed and then I would bath and settle Issy in her cot before I left. She was awake and kicking her heart out on the sheepskin rug on the floor, grasping great handfuls of fur and gurgling contentedly. I bent down to say hi but her face instantly changed and the starts of a major tantrum were evident in her whiney tone. I gave Rosalie a quick apologetic glance and hoped this wasn't the start of another evening desperately trying to convince Issy I was a good father.

Unfortunately I spoke too soon. Two shirts and another shower later and I was still attempting to soothe an extremely frazzled baby. I had no idea how she could cry for so long without a break, surely she must be exhausted by now, please? I knew the rest of the house was uneasy as people kept popping in to offer a hand but I reassured them I could cope and it would be better if I managed to do this on my own. The fuck I could. Now I was pacing frantically and hoping with all my might that someone would stick their head around my fucking door and relieve me for five minutes. I was seriously debating going and asking for help but then that would make me look like an even bigger loser than I probably already was. What father can't even get their child to stop crying? I'd done everything I could think of, and even though I knew it was more than likely because I was stressed that she was stressed which was making me stressed, I couldn't find a way to break that circle. Eventually I spied Jasper slink past the open door trying not be noticed, tough luck sunshine.

'Jas mate.' I called out and moved towards the hall. He stopped and turned towards me looking uncomfortable as hell, and I did the one thing that would probably make people fucking suspicious but the only thing I could think would work. 'Get Bella for me, please?' He must have picked up the desperation in my voice and didn't even question the strangeness of my request. Why would I want Bella, a perfect stranger, to help me with my baby? A quick nod of the head and Jasper practically ran off down the corridor, relieved I hadn't just dumped the kid on him and legged it myself.

I went back into Issy's room and instantly felt a little more composure. Bella would know what to do. 'Don't worry little girl.' I whispered into her hot and sticky forehead. 'She's coming. She'll make it all better.' Seconds later Bella appeared in the doorway looking slightly out of breath and very wet. She had a white fluffy towelling robe on and her hair was dripping steadfastly onto the carpet.

'I was in the shower.' She explained noticing me staring at the puddle forming at her feet. 'Is everything ok? I came as quickly as I could.' If I thought I'd ever been tempted to run away with Bella before then this trumped that moment by a million. She looked so concerned, her brows furrowed together making tiny creases appear on her forehead. Drops of water clung to her eyelashes, which were wide with something akin to fear, and she was chewing anxiously on her bottom lip. She cared, about us, about me and Issy. She wouldn't have come running otherwise. She'd come to us mid-shower because I'd asked her to, not because I'd gone up there and dragged her out, but because she'd chosen to. Ha Emmett, I thought victoriously, perhaps you should have filled Bella in on the rules too.

I held the screaming baby towards her and she walked over and took her from me without me having to even ask.

'Are you playing your daddy up?' she cooed at her whilst doing that rocking thing she did in the park the other day. I had attempted the same technique myself, hence the multiple changes in clothing. 'How long?' she asked me, not even taking her gaze away from Issy. I assumed she meant how long had she been crying and I could feel myself getting defensive.

'It's been two hours, but I did everything you told me, changed her diaper, tried a bottle with her..'

'No Edward, I meant how long have you been struggling like this and not asking anyone for help?' She looked up at me then and I felt really small. I'd just wanted to do this by myself, to prove that I could. I wanted to prove I was a good father. 'It's not about proving yourself.' She continued, and I had to wonder if I'd said that out loud. 'You don't need to prove anything to anyone, and you could have called me an hour ago.' The side of her mouth lifted in a small smile and I knew the lecture was over.

'Ok ok, I'm a stubborn ass and I should have asked for help.' But I fought to keep a grin contained. I couldn't believe she had put me in my place like that, normally women were eager to please me and wouldn't risk pissing me off, even though that tended to piss me off more anyway.

'Good. Now get me a towel. I'm ruining Issy's carpet.' She looked back down at Issy who was still screeching, but I could see the look of joy on her face. As I walked to the laundry cupboard, I couldn't help feeling that everything was manageable when Bella was with me. Before I'd met her, when I'd first moved in here, my whole life seemed impossible. I could hardly function for myself, and anything to do with Issy I completely blanked out. It was too overwhelming and seemed too hopeless a situation. I never even entertained the thought because to me, it was beyond my capabilities. But then Bella came along, with complete faith in me. She didn't know my story and she didn't know me, but she believed I could be the father Issy needed. And now I didn't think I could do it without her. She was like a fucking angel, sent from above when God knows I didn't deserve one, but I was damn well going to hold on to this one even if my life depended on it, and knowing how much Emmett works out, my life _definitely_ fucking depended on it.

I walked back with a fresh towel and noticed it was suddenly very quiet in the house. The relief washed over me and I knew I'd made the right decision. Bella was stood with her back to me gently rocking from side to side, a sleeping baby in her arms. Slowly I walked over to them, placed the dry towel over her hair and started pressing the towel around the long strands draped down her back. She moaned softly and leaned back against me. And so I found myself standing there with this incredible woman, her body resting against mine, holding my child as she slept peacefully, and the emotion of it all threatened to engulf me.

'You ok Edward?' Bella whispered to me but I couldn't actually answer her. A loud cough came from behind us and I spun around moving away from Bella as I did so. Rosalie was stood in the doorway, a strange expression on her face.

'You got the magic touch then Bells huh?' She commented and I saw Bella smile out of the corner of my eye. She laid Issy down in her cot and stood next to me, her elbow barely grazing my arm.

'What can I say?' Bella shrugged. 'Must be a natural.' She smiled up at me and I wished we were alone right then. Unfortunately today was not my lucky day, as Emmett appeared behind Rosalie and stared into the room. Bella must have felt me stiffen beside her because she stepped away quickly and watched my face as I waited for him to say something.

'Hey guys, holy shrimp is little tyke actually sleeping? I didn't think she'd ever give up, what's the secret Ed?' I squirmed not wanting to admit I'd roped Bella in to do my dirty work, even thought she was amazing at it.

'Perseverance.' Bella jumped in for me, and then turned to me and winked out of view of the others. 'I gotta go get ready now so, I'll see you downstairs?' I watched her leave and wondered how I'd got so lucky in finding a girl like her. If someone had told me a few weeks ago that such a girl existed, then I would have laughed in their face, she was definitely one of a kind.

'Come on you.' Rosalie said to Emmett as she ushered him down the hall. 'Lets leave Edward to some peace and quiet for five minutes to get ready.' I had been worried that Rosalie would be against me spending time with Bella too, as I think she had a pretty good idea of what was going on. I thought she might side with Emmett on this one, but it seemed I was wrong; she hadn't said anything yet.

'I was just asking.' I heard Emmett mumble back. 'Who made you queen of the house?'

'Save your breath, you'll need it to blow up your date.' And I knew then that Rosalie was on my side.

We were all congregating at the bottom of the stairs waiting for the women to make their appearance. Jasper was looking slightly nervous and I wasn't sure if that was more to do with standing so close to Emmett in a pretty confined space, or the fact that we were already running 20 minutes late for his own gig. Eventually, Rosalie materialized at the top of the stairs wearing the pink floaty number we'd seen earlier.

'I thought Rosalie was staying in?' I heard Jasper whisper to Emmett.

'I am.' Rosalie replied shooting daggers in our direction. 'But why should I miss out on a chance to dress up.'

'And you look absolutely gorgeous too.' Emmett drawled and moved up the stairs to meet her. He made a big deal out of trying to sweep her off her feet and she swatted at him playfully as they both almost toppled down the stairs. Giggling and kissing, they made their way down the remaining three steps and continued making out like teenagers by the banister. I rolled my eyes at Jasper who nodded towards the top of the stairs.

Once in a while someone may surprise you, and once in a blue moon someone will take your breath away. This was my blue moon. Bella was standing up there, fidgeting with the hem of her incredibly tight, black dress. It was wrapped around her body like a second skin, revealing exactly how tiny she really was. The material pushed her breasts together snugly, pulled in her minuscule waist, and stretched deliciously over her hips and thighs. All those curves were making my hands itch and my mouth water. I forced my gaze away from her gorgeous legs, that seemed to go for miles in that dress, and instead found myself staring at her face. Her eyes were magnified by her long black lashes which made the colour appear intensified and striking. She had a flush of colour on her cheeks which gave her this healthy glow, and her rose-bud lips were pink and luscious and oh so inviting. Her hair hung down her back like a glass screen it was so incredibly shiny. I noticed she was watching my reaction uncertainly and for the hundredth time that day I wished we were all alone. In her jeans and sweatshirt earlier she looked amazing, but standing here now she was simply mind-blowing and I longed to tell her so. I hadn't even noticed Alice had been stood beside her, and it was only when they reached the last step did I regain full control of my senses.

'Ladies, you both look incredible.' I winked at them and held my gaze on Bella for a fraction longer. If I had my way, I'd be marching her right back up that stair case and straight into my room. But, I reminded myself, if there was any marching to be done it had to be Bella doing it. Alice set about organising transport issues and I had to fight to keep my eyes from finding Bella's. Hopefully there would be plenty of time tonight to find a quiet moment with her.

The doorbell rang and as I was stood closest to it, I answered it automatically. Stood on the other side was Jessica, my receptionist. I stared at her, as you do at someone who is not where you normally associate them, and wondered for a minute if I was supposed to be at work which was absurd as it was a Friday night. I was about to ask her what the fuck she thought she was doing coming to my house uninvited, when Alice pulled to door from my hands.

'Hi.' She greeted the intruder warmly. 'So glad you could make it.' I did a double take, so shocked that no pleasant words came to mind. Alice leaned towards me and whispered in my ear. 'Thought you might like some company.' and actually winked at me. I stared again at Jessica and felt my good mood evaporate as she fluttered her eyelashes at me and pouted her lips. She was wearing a red dress, cut so low she might as well have gone topless, and so short it was making my stomach turn. Compared to Bella, well actually you couldn't even compare the two, it would be an insult to Bella.

'Thanks for inviting me Edward.' She giggled and the fury that Alice had thought I might want her here bubbled up inside me. I grabbed Emmett's arm, pulling him up from where he was kissing Rosalie's bump enthusiastically.

'Come on lets go.' I muttered, not giving him a chance to object. We were going in my car as it was the biggest, but I was dammed if I had to sit next to _her_ all the fucking way there. It was bad enough having to put up with her at work where there were rules and regulations that hindered you from locking her in the stationary cupboard for the week. Outside of work was a different story and I wasn't sure I trusted myself to be nice.

'Don't let him get too drunk.' She called out after us as I dragged Emmett to my car and slid into my seat. The others started following behind, Jessica skipping towards the car like a fourth grader, except with tits big enough to knock out anyone stood behind her.

'It's fine babes.' Emmett protested. 'I'll only have a couple.'

'Oh deja-moo! Where have I heard that bullshit before?' Rosalie retaliated. Emmett blew her a big kiss and chuckled before getting into the passenger seat. I pushed the button for the windows and leaned my head out. Bella was the last to leave, and she paused at the door to give Rosalie a hug. She completely avoided my eyes as she walked to the car, teetering on her tiny black patent heels, and climbed in beside Jasper. I looked in the rearview mirror as I reversed out of the drive and willed her to look at me. Finally her eyes lifted, but I could only see disappointment there before she looked into her lap again. Terror hit my gut as a flashback of broken glass and the metallic tang of blood overtook my mind for a second. Recovering my composure I put my foot down, and peeled out onto the highway. All of a sudden I had a raging thirst and I couldn't wait to get to that fucking bar.


	12. Chapter 12

BPOV

What the hell was I thinking? I'd been so excited about this evening all week, and Friday at work couldn't go quick enough. Then Jacob had started trying to talk me out of it again and that only made me more determined to go and to have a damn good time whilst I was there. And now _she_ was here. Jessica, who had politely informed me while I was getting my jacket to leave, that Edward had talked non-stop about her coming to this tonight and had even vetoed her outfit.

I'd stupidly thought Edward was attracted to me, all the touching, lingering glances, and that bloody kiss. And then earlier when I'd been stood at the top of the stairs with Alice, was it my imagination that he was looking at me like he wanted to devour me? I'd even let Alice convince me to wear this ridiculous excuse for a dress ('Bella it's Hervé Léger!' she'd pointed out exasperatedly, which still meant nothing to me), and plaster me in her make-up, do my hair, tweezer my eyebrows. I was quite pleased with the results, even though I felt like a fraud. Alice had the attitude to carry this outfit off, I really didn't. I watched as she strapped one petite foot into her skyscraper diamante studded heels and wondered how I was ever going to compete with her. She was dressed in a white lace mini dress, which from here looked completely see through but from afar looked amazingly elegant. Her hair was tipped with silver and her face made up as if by a professional. If there was anyone who knew how to dress for a party then this was the girl. In Alice's room I'd felt nervous and excited, and all for what? For Edward to blow me off with his busty blonde secretary. I should have listened to Jake, I should have stayed home with him where I belong and forget all this nonsense with Edward. What was I thinking?

Jasper nudged my arm and whispered in my ear. 'You ok babe?' I smiled gratefully back, at least I was here to support my friend and the night wouldn't be a total waste. Jasper was one in a million, a good friend, an excellent boyfriend and the most heart-stopping smile guaranteed to distract you from any problem. He'd seen me at my worst, and I'll never forget the time after the funeral when I'd found a quiet place in the laundry room of Alice's house to sob my heart out, Jasper had heard me and come to investigate. Of course I'd been mortally embarrassed, but Jasper undeterred by my blubbering, red-faced, snot-nosed state, gathered me in his arms and sat on the floor with me, rocking me gently and singing to me, while I shed all my tears. He was something special alright.

Just as I was about to tell him so, Jessica started her tirade. 'OMG it was sooooooo funny the other day, right, cos Edward says to me 'Jessica, can you help me with this coffee machine?' and so I said 'jeez Eddy' cos I call him Eddy at work when its just the two of us,' and she smiled sick-inducinly at Edward and then at the rest of us, to make sure we noticed. 'Anyway, where was I? oh yeah, so I said 'jeez Eddy, its not rocket surgery!' No-one laughed, except her, with her high-pitched false as you like giggle, that all but burst every eardrum in the Volvo. Completely oblivious to the fact that no-one cared, she carried on. 'And then there was the time where Edward was giving me a massage….' I couldn't hear this. I turned to Jasper.

'Sing to me please?' I begged, not caring about the desperate tone of my voice. He chuckled in my ear and started singing one of my favourite songs he wrote for Alice. A beautiful lullaby about finding the other half of your heart. He took my hand and started rubbing it between his own. I looked over at Alice sat the other side of Jasper and she smiled reassuringly at me. Even though I knew I would never think of Jasper like that, it still amazed me how much faith Alice had in this man, to allow him to be like this with another female and still know she owned his heart. She put her hand on top of mine, and Jasper clasped them all together. This is what I loved most, being part of a family, feeling loved and secure. I rested my head on his shoulder and concentrated on his mesmerizing voice wrapping itself around me, filling my head with his heartfelt lyrics. I could almost, almost, imagine we weren't sitting in a car with Edward and his bimbo, being tortured with stories of their time together.

By the time we arrived, Jessica's excitement had reached fever pitch, and I was practically clawing at the doors to get out. Edward pulled over and I exited quickly, followed by Jasper and Alice. They were going in the back door to set up and I was supposed to go with Edward and Emmett. Edward stuck his head out the window and frowned at me.

'Are you getting back in Bella?' he asked me irritably.

I stared at Jessica gazing adoringly at Edward's back. 'No I thought I'd stay with Alice, help them set up you know?' I turned to Alice and Jasper to make sure that was ok but Edward had already sped off to park the car. I couldn't believe what an jackass he was being. It was a complete 180 from when he was tenderly drying my hair in Issy's room while I held his sleeping daughter. And to think I'd almost fallen for it too.

'Oh ignore him.' Alice said, dismissing them with her hand. 'He's just pissed I didn't tell him.'

'Didn't tell him what?' I asked frowning at her.

'You know, about fake tits over there.' She rolled her eyes as if I was being mentally retarded. 'I invited her, as a buffer guest, for Edward.'

My eyes widened in shock. 'What's a buffer guest?' but even as I said it, it dawned on me.

Jasper threw his head back and laughed loudly. 'Aw Bells you're so sweet and naïve.'

'Buffer guests are there to help things along a bit, you know how it is Bells, they're invited to fill the gaps, entertain certain people and make things less awkward. It's a tried and tested method to make parties go without a hitch. Look Edward doesn't know many people yet so I thought she would help him feel more relaxed. And he should thank me too, she's a dead cert if ever I saw one.' Suddenly I didn't feel so well. 'Are you ok Bella?' I heard her ask.

I didn't know which part to feel more appalled by. The part where Alice had contrived the party atmosphere to make it run smoother, or the part where Alice was convinced Edward would end up with Jessica. Either way she had inadvertently ruined my night. But how could I tell her that, without admitting I wanted to be the one to fill the gap with Edward. She would flip out completely, and that would ruin the night for Jasper. Suck it up Bella, I told myself.

'No, I'm fine. Sorry, just a little surprised that's all. I didn't think Edward was all that into his secretary.' Alice put her arm round my shoulders and led me to the stage door.

'Well I have no idea if he is or isn't, that boy is so secretive. Jessica on the other hand is completely infatuated, she practically invited herself. But enough about them, lets talk about you. Do you think you're ready now?'

'What for?' Alice spun me round to face her.

'Bella, is it time to move on? Tell me if I'm jumping the gun a bit.' She looked pained as if she was worried I might throw a punch or rip her hair out at her suggestion, and few weeks ago that probably would have been my reaction. But as I thought about it, I realised that the thought of moving on was more bearable if it had the face of Edward stamped across it. Without Edward, the thought was unimaginable.

I shook my head. 'Sorry.' I apologised, though what for I wasn't quite sure.

'Hey, no its ok, was just asking.' she replied giving me a hug. 'There's plenty of time. And when you are ready, I'll be here for you.' I smiled my gratitude at her.

'Thanks Alice.' I said feeling a little teary, and I wished I could spill all about my feelings for Edward.

'Don't even.' She mock warned me. 'That's what friends are for. We're like bras.' and without an explanation to that she ushered me through the doors to follow Jasper.

'What pretty and expensive?' I asked confused as ever by Alice's reasonings.

'No silly, close to your heart and there for support.' she said following Jasper into the darkness, and I thought it was possibly the nicest thing she had ever said to me.

Backstage it was complete chaos, people racing around, equipment dumped in every available space and the noise was deafening. Some kind of torture was on stage and my hand instinctively went to my ears at the sudden blast of feedback that filled the air.

'That's the warm-up band.' Jasper explained laughing at me. 'I hope people still stick around after that.' A large man with the longest beard I'd ever seen came over to us and clasped his hands together in the air as if praying.

'Jas man, thank god you're here dude!' He looked so pleased to see Jasper I thought he might even kiss him. 'The crowd are not happy, these guys are dying out there.' Another blast of feedback cemented his point. Jasper however looked pretty happy with the situation.

'Then they'll be even happier to see us, let's go.' He gave Alice a quick kiss and waved to me before disappearing into the throng of people racing around behind us.

'Come on.' Alice said and she led me out of a side door by the stage. We were in a long corridor, which I guessed ran parallel to the club. You could feel the vibrations of the music pounding through the walls. At the end, there was another door and we slipped out seamlessly into the crowd by the bar. I looked around me. The place was absolutely packed and in that moment the reality of Jasper's fame was evident. Not one person was paying attention to the stage and the dire excuse for a band attempting to play a bad cover of Oasis, only managing to sound like a couple of college kids trying to learn their first song. All these people were willing to put up with this crap to get to the main event - Jasper.

It was kind of awe inspiring and I felt so proud. The last time I'd seen Jasper play, was at my university in Phoenix. Jacob and I had arranged a slot for him and badgered everyone we knew to come along. As a relatively unknown band back then, he'd only been given a fifteen minute time slot and had absolutely brought the house down with the small crowd that had bothered to leave the bar for long enough. I had a feeling looking around at the still growing crowd that this was going to be in a completely different league.

Out of the corner of my eye I spotted Emmett approaching, with Edward and Jessica not far behind. She looked like she was boring the shit out of him and I had to force myself to keep a straight face. When they eventually reached us, through all the people. Emmett motioned towards the bar and everyone nodded enthusiastically.

'I'll come with you.' I shouted and he waited for me to join him. I wasn't going to hang around watching her non-too-subtle attack on Edward. Emmett pushed me in front of him in the queue to the bar and kept his hand on my shoulder.

'Don't want to lose you, little girl.' He mumbled to me and I couldn't help smiling at his gesture. Emmett had always been protective of me, like an older brother, but since the accident, it was like he made it his personal mission to keep me safe. He was the one I had to convince the most that I could cope living on my own. If Emmett had his way I would be living in a plastic bubble with him as my security.

'So, who pissed in your gravy?' Emmett asked me. 'God it's hotter than two rats fucking in a wool sock in here.' he wiped his brow and I giggled quietly. He really did have a way of putting things.

'It's nothing.' I shrugged, but simultaneously wanted to tell him.

'It's Jessica right? I saw your face drop when she turned up on the doorstep. Wow does she ever stop talking? Poor Edward's doing his nut.' This perked me up a little.

'Oh I thought he liked her?' I prompted hoping he would know more than Alice did.

'What? No way, he can't stand her. It was all Alice's doing and he's really mad at her for it. Cant say I blame him though, she's a definite 404.' I stared at him waiting for an explanation. Why didn't I know all this stuff? it was as if I'd been locked away from society for the last two years with no-one but myself for company. Emmett just laughed at my cluelessness. 'Web page not found? That's why I was sent straight to the bar, we could all do with some tolerance juice.' He winked at me and I felt my hopes dust themselves off and get back up there. Ok so I'd overreacted, and maybe owed Edward an apology for jumping to conclusions.

'Hey Bella, fancy seeing you here.' I turned around at the sound of my name and felt Emmett close in around me. I recognised the face as a guy from the hospital but I didn't even know his name. I put my hand on Emmett's arm to let him know it was ok. The guy held out his hand to Emmett for him to shake. 'I'm Brad, I'm on the same team as Bella here at the hospital.' He beamed at me and I felt acutely ashamed of myself. We worked together everyday and I didn't even know his name was Brad, that was quite sad and a good indicator of how long I'd been avoiding my life. 'And you are?' He asked Emmett brazenly.

'My brother.' I stepped in and Emmett wrapped his arm tighter round me, grinning from ear to ear. I knew he'd like that.

Brad was a very good looking guy, broad shoulders, chiselled jaw, blue eyes etc, at least technically as good looking as Edward but he had no affect on me like Edward did. He lacked something important. Oh yeah that's right, he wasn't Edward. And then I had an awful, wonderful idea.

'Hey Brad, it's good to see you.' I ignored the way his eyes lit up when I said that. 'Do you want to join us? My best friend is the lead singer's girlfriend. We'll be going to the after party.'

'Aw that would be so cool. Can my friends come over too?' I nodded and he disappeared to fill them in. Emmett finished getting the drinks and I carried half as Brad and his friends followed us. I handed Alice a drink, which she gratefully accepted and raised her eyebrow at Brad hanging around behind me. I let her think what she wanted to. I turned to Jessica and interrupted an undoubtedly thrilling story about a tanning salon. I passed her the drink in my hand but kept hold of it as she reached for it.

'Oh Jessica have you met my friend Brad?' I paused to let Brad step beside me and watched her eyes widen at his whiter-than-white smile. 'He's a doctor at the hospital.' I added and just when I thought they couldn't get any wider I whispered in her ear. 'I think he likes you and he's loaded.' And just like that she closed the gap between them pressing herself to his side and holding his arm as she asked him why she hadn't seen him around before. I giggled to myself at my evil plan but stopped abruptly when I saw Edward still stood there with his mouth hanging open.

'Isobella Swan, I cannot believe you just did that.' He said moving closer to me and I had to remind myself to breathe. 'That was fucking genius.' His face broke into the cheekiest grin I'd ever seen and I could only grin back like a complete idiot. Suddenly the awful racket on the stage stopped, the lights went out and the crowd went absolutely crazy. For a moment panic rose in my chest and threatened to overwhelm me. I stepped backwards, my body instinctively wanting to run, and collided with another body.

'It's ok Bella. It's just me.' Edward soothed in my ear and I felt his arm snake around my waist. 'The lights will come back on in a second.' Instantly I felt safe, and leaned back into his warmth. 'You look absolutely stunning.' Edward murmured and I couldn't tell if he was talking to me or himself. 'Thank you for rescuing me.'

'You're welcome.' I replied and I noticed my voice sounded husky. Just as I was getting used to the darkness, the opening chords of Jasper's most known song blasted across the club and the lights started flashing on stage. Everyone rushed forwards, pulling us along and we were swallowed up in the frenzy of jumping bodies singing along with Jasper on the stage. He looked amazing up there, so full of life and energy, and he commanded the crowd. The girls swooning over him and the men wishing they were him. It was mental, the adoration of his fans.

I looked up at Edward who was still holding tightly to my waist and he grinned back at me. This must have been the first time he'd seen Jasper play and he looked suitably impressed. I was filled with elation, the music pumping through my veins and the sense of being part of something incredible. I could feel Edward's hand splayed across my rib cage protectively, and his chest pressed close to my back. It was such an intimate position and I loved the feel of him crushed against me. A group of guys in front of me unexpectedly fell backwards, driving me further into Edward. His other arm wrapped around me and pulled me to him out of harms way but he left it resting lower on my abdomen. My whole body froze as tingles of arousal started fluttering and distracting me. Without warning Alice pushed through the crowd beside us and Edward dropped his hands quickly, but still kept close contact. My heart was racing like a steam train.

'What do you think?' She yelled at us and we both gave her thumbs up. She squealed with delight and I breathed a sigh of relief. 'I've been looking for you.' She said leaning closer to my ear. 'Are you ok? It's not too much?' I thought about the man standing as close as probably a human could stand to another human and grinned.

'I'm fine. Jasper's really good.'

'I know!' She screamed back and started bouncing up and down on the spot. She pulled my hand, encouraging me to dance with her and in the close proximity of the crowd I found I didn't have to move away from Edward at all. I watched Alice dancing without a care in the world and noticed everyone around us couldn't help watching her. I thought back to earlier when I was getting ready with Alice and how I wished I could be as confident as she was.

'I'm really not Bella, I just fake it well.' she'd told me. This took me by surprise as I'd always thought Alice was unshakable. 'It's easy around men, just act sexy and they'll think you are the sexiest thing they've ever seen.' I thought about this for a second.

'But how do you act sexy?' Alice laughed at me and I felt really stupid.

'It's all in the mind.' She said. 'For true irresistibleness, you have to walk like you _know_ you give the best blowjobs in town. Guaranteed sexiness, I promise.'

So that's what I did, I danced with Alice and I pretended with all my might that I had the sexual prowess of a pornstar. After about the third song of gyrating like a sex goddess. I felt Edward grab my hips and stop me mid thrust. He leaned closer and murmured in the sexiest voice I'd ever heard. 'I think you better stop now Bella.' It was like a warning that sent shivers down my spine.

I leaned my head back to reply 'Oh I'm sorry am I _affecting_ you?' and pushed my hips into his suggestively. He tightened his grip and groaned gutturally.

'Stop, now, or I might do something we'll both regret.' he threatened but I doubted I'd ever regret whatever he was hinting at. Suddenly I was overcome with lust. I grabbed his hand and pushed towards the back of the club, pulling Edward behind me. After what seemed like forever, I reached the door Alice and I had come through earlier. Without hesitating I pulled Edward through it and pushed him against the wall of the corridor slamming the door shut behind us. And then it was just us, standing in this dimly lit corridor, walls pounding with music as if the place was alive and had a heart beat of its own. My own heart was racing so hard I thought my chest might explode. We were facing each other breathing hard and drinking in the sight of one another. And then Edward stepped towards me and the tidal wave of pent up frustration of the past few weeks erupted between us. His mouth was on mine hot and urgent, his hands pushing into my hair to anchor my head against his. His body crushed mine to the wall behind me and I could feel every glorious detail of his hard, muscled body, including the thick ridge of his erection pressing against my stomach. I grabbed at his hips, yanking him closer still and thrust my tongue into his mouth. I was wild with wanting this man and would have done anything he asked me to, except he abruptly stopped and tore himself away from me. He moved to the other side of the corridor, running his hands through his hair and whispering curses.

'God damn it Bella.' He muttered sounding tortured and I stood there feeling more alive than I had in years and at the same time foolish for throwing myself at him. He turned back to me, the anguish clear in his eyes. 'This is wrong, I shouldn't be doing this.' Without warning he launched himself at me again and started kissing me this time with more force. He broke off again swearing loudly. 'I don't know what's happening.' He said angrily and started walking down the corridor away from me. I didn't know what was happening either but I did know that I'd never been kissed like that in my whole entire life. I'd always been the one to play it safe, stick to what I know and not take risks, but now I wanted to take this risk and damn the consequences.

'Edward.' I called out and started after him. He stopped but didn't turn around.

'Bella please don't.' He pleaded with me as I reached his side.

'But I want to.'

He turned to face me and reached out his hand to stroke my cheek. 'You don't know what you're saying.' I took his hand and brought the pad of his thumb to my lips, nodding slowly.

'I do know Edward, I'm all grown up now.' He smiled bitterly and leaned his forehead against mine. 'I want you to kiss me.' He growled low in his chest and the sound completely turned me on.

'Don't tempt me.' He whispered.

'What like this?' and I stroked down his chest to where his shirt ended and lightly ran my finger tips across his bare stomach. I felt him shudder at my touch and he pushed me backwards slowly until I was against the wall again.

'I'm warning you Bella don't push me.' But I felt he was moments away from losing his restraint.

'Do you mean like this?' I teased and let my hand dip under the waist band of his jeans. In an instant Edward had grabbed my hand and shoved me against the wall, taking possession of my mouth once more. He was rough and out of control, kissing me harder and deeper than I ever thought was possible, it was complete ecstasy. One hand moved to my throat, his thumb rubbing along the line of my jaw and I thought I might faint with pleasure.

Sensing my helplessness, his other hand dipped behind me and grabbed my derrière, lifting me up to allow my legs to wrap around his waist. He thrust forwards pinning me to the wall again and finding an excuse to shift even closer and angle his head to deepen the kiss. I was glad he was now holding me up with his hands on my ass. I groaned with delight as I felt his hardness pressed against my tiny cotton panties and wished there wasn't so much clothing between us.

Just then through the dense fog of lust I heard my name being called. Edward must have heard it too because he stopped kissing me and let me down gently as the door burst open and Alice came rushing through.

'Oh god Bella, there you are! I was so worried when you disappeared.' She looked petrified and I instantly felt guilty, trying to think of a reason I would be out here with Edward on my own.

'She wasn't feeling too well so I brought her out here for some privacy.' Edward butted in as he stepped in front of me and squeezed my hand. It was almost the truth. Alice's face softened.

'Oh. Well thank you Edward that was very kind.'

'My pleasure.' He drawled, his mouth fighting a smile as he turned to me. 'Are you feeling better now Bella?' I looked up at him and fought my own smile.

'Mmm, much better. Thank you.' Alice looked between us and shook her head.

'Ok good, fine. Now look, you have to get back out there. This is gonna be awesome.' And she took off down the other end of the corridor towards back stage.

Edward stood staring at me for a few seconds with a look that turned my insides to complete mush. 'That was a bit close.' He breathed.

'I know, good recovery though.' I giggled and he grabbed my hand pulling me towards him.

'Well little miss temptress, if you're quite finished, lets go see what the Jasperator has in store for us all.' I grinned up at him, not wanting to go outside but knowing we'd have to.

'You are staying with Alice tonight?' He asked, but the way he said it made it sound more like a statement than a question.

'Why, you planning on resisting me some more?' I teased.

'Not if you have anything to do with it.' He growled at me and pushed me through the door into the heaving mass of bodies, still holding tightly to my hand.


	13. Chapter 13

EPOV

As I followed Bella through the crowd I couldn't help feeling a little stunned at the events of the last hour. I wasn't entirely sure what just happened. What I did know was that I couldn't hold back any longer. Bella had been so pissed off with me about Jessica that I didn't know how to put it right, and just when I thought she was going to avoid me all night, she pulls that little stunt. I was so overjoyed that she'd got rid of that crazy bitch, and that she wasn't with the guy who had followed her over, practically drooling at her the sight of her backside wiggling in her tight little number. Luckily for him I wasn't going to have to show him in no uncertain terms that Bella was not available.

Where Bella had learnt to walk like that in the short time between jeans and tight dresses, was beyond me, but I was in for a bigger shock when she started dancing with Alice. Her body swayed with the music, her hips grinding from side to side just barely grazing my jeans with her ass. I couldn't move, couldn't think, couldn't speak. I was just mesmerised and would have let her continue turning me on so god damn much if we hadn't been in a club full of other people, including Alice right next to her, and Emmett not far away. She seemed oblivious to the effect she was having on me but as soon as I put my hands on her hips, her face changed, and she looked like a woman who knew exactly what she was doing. My rule of Bella leading the way was starting to backfire as she dragged me towards the back of the club.

I had a couple of seconds to breathe and consider what the fuck I was playing at. But then I looked in Bella's eyes and saw my own undiluted lust mirrored back at me and I lost it. I couldn't get close enough, I wanted to be a part of her, to loose myself in her. She was pulling me in and I was drowning. The taste and feel of her all around me was enough to make a grown man cry. I'd never felt this sense of urgency or desperation before and it was absolutely terrifying. When her tongue plunged into my mouth I knew I had to pull away now or never.

What was she doing to me? Sex had always been fun but this was an ecstasy I'd never even felt before. I tried to stay away, I tried to do the right thing, but she was like my own brand of heroin, once I'd had a little bit of her and experienced that buzz and thrill, I needed more and more. And she didn't help me, coming after me and begging me to kiss her. Her fingers brushing my stomach was tantalisingly cruel, but when they crept beneath my jeans it was like a switch going off and my lust filled brain took over. I had come so close to just fucking her there and then. Just unzipping my jeans and moving her miniscule excuse for underwear to one side. Undoubtedly it would have been the best fuck of my life but in a way I was glad we were interrupted before it got that far. If I was going to make love to Bella, then I was damn sure it was going to be the best night of her life too.

Bella stopped in a clearing pretty close to the stage just as the lights went out for the second time that night. This time though, Bella didn't freeze or panic, and I felt her hands pull on my jeans as if I wasn't close enough to her already. Suddenly, the whole room lit up from a mass of fireworks on the stage and Bella turned her face to mine, her eyes shining in amazement. She was truly breathtaking in every sense of the word, and in that moment I knew I would do anything to keep her in my life.

She turned back to the stage and let out a high pitched scream as Alice came strutting out of the background, surrounded by coloured sparks and grabbed the microphone. Jasper appeared beside her holding his guitar, and Alice ripped his shirt off causing mass hysteria in the crowd. It felt like I was at a Take That concert with all the screaming around me until they launched into the dirtiest rock version of Beyonce and JZ's 'Crazy in Love' that blew my mind and made Bella leap up and down shrieking with astonishment. Jasper had some voice on him but man could Alice sing. Together they were like dynamite, and the way they were both working the crowd into a frenzy, was nothing short of genius. I watched as Alice writhed around Jasper, his eyes never leaving her, and the spark between them was so blatant you could feel it from here. The song ended with a huge climax, and Jasper grabbed Alice kissing her to within an inch of her life as the crowd erupted all around us.

Before I knew what was happening Bella's mouth was on mine, urgent and breathless, her hands fisting in my hair and pulling me down hard. The combination of Bella's heady scent and the frantic roughness of her actions, coupled with the excitement of the crowd and what had happened earlier, made this without a doubt the most exciting kiss I'd ever experienced and it was no surprise that my cock was as hard as steel. I'd kissed a few girls in my time, and felt that frisson of excitement that it might lead further, but with Bella it was like kissing her _was_ the main event. And if kissing her felt this amazing, what the hell would she do to me when I finally made her come, or when I slid between her silky thighs.

It finished as quickly as it had started, the little minx smiling to herself as she continued dancing to the rest of Jasper's set. The remainder of the evening passed in a blur, my sole focus on the gorgeous creature writhing her tight little body against mine, and driving me out of my mind with desire. I couldn't wait to get back to the house and steal her away from everyone for a few hours.

At the end of the evening Alice announced her and Jasper were going to another party in a club somewhere out of town and said we could go with them if we wanted. Bella looked at me exhausted, and I didn't have to be asked twice.

'I'll take Bella home.' I offered but Alice looked uneasy. Bella put her hand on Alice's arm.

'It's fine Alice.' She reassured her with a smile. 'I'm not used to partying hard that's all. Enjoy the rest of the evening, you were awesome by the way.' Alice couldn't help smiling satisfactorily, and hugged Bella goodbye.

'Well if you're sure.' She said turning to me and kissed my cheek.

'It's no problem. And you were awesome.' I replied, as her grin expanded another mile. For some reason I felt a warm glow at her obvious appreciation of my opinion. God I was getting soft. Jasper appeared with his jacket and I shook his hand in a firm, manly way to make myself feel better, he looked a bit taken back. 'Jas that was impressive man. You're making Alice a regular feature then?' He smiled at her and she giggled nervously.

'We'll see.' He muttered almost as if he was just talking to Alice. 'If it doesn't go to her head.' He teased and Alice shoved him playfully.

After saying goodbye, we found Emmett by the bar with some guys as big, if not bigger than himself. It was an intimidating sight but Bella walked right up to them and kissed Emmett's cheek. He looped his arm around her and introduced her as his sister. They all said hi, eyeing her up appreciatively and I felt my hands close into fists automatically.

'You ready to go yet?' I asked Emmett knowing he had a full beer on the bar in front of him. As expected he lifted the bottle towards me indicating he wasn't finished. 'So we'll see you at home then?' Emmett's eyes narrowed as he looked between Bella and myself. 'Bella's tired and wants to go.' I explained and he turned to Bella who nodded in agreement.

'Ok then lets get going.' He replied and I cursed inwardly. We should have just left. We waited out the front for Emmett to say goodbye and get his jacket, and Bella huddled into mine in the cold night air. As I hugged her to me a familiar voice screeched loudly in front of us and Bella winced as she recognised the blonde limping on one broken shoe and dragging the poor bloke she'd thrown to her earlier.

'Come on Brad, take me home with you to your luxury apartment. Where's your driver? Doesn't he wait outside for you?' Jessica demanded and Brad hung his head shamefully.

'You are very naughty.' I whispered to Bella. She smiled up at me with her huge blue eyes and I had to look away, fearing I might get lost in them forever. We drove home in silence, Emmett crashing out and snoring loudly in the back seat by the time we'd even left the car park. I glanced at Bella sat beside me and realised I'd not felt this settled in months, hell maybe even years. She looked back at Emmett sitting in the middle of the seat fast asleep with his mouth wide open, and stifled a giggle. I reached over the same time she did and we both smiled nervously which was hovering uncertainly in the air and twined our fingers together, we stayed like that until I pulled into the drive. As soon as I switched the engine off Emmett jerked awake and I moved my hand reluctantly from Bella's. I was going to have to talk to him about this whole thing and make him see sense, but as he fell out of the door Bella was holding open for him, I thought maybe tonight wasn't the best time.

The house was very still and dark when we eventually persuaded Emmett he did live there and that Rosalie was waiting inside. We tip-toed quietly through the hall so as not to wake anyone and into the kitchen. But as I turned on the light a small scream came from a figure hunched at the table.

'Rosalie?' I asked gently making sure she was ok.

'Rosie!' Emmett laughed and went over to her kissing her neck and down to her stomach.

'God you scared me half to death.' Rosalie exclaimed sitting back down again, Emmett's head still glued to her belly-button. He stood up quickly looking at her face.

'What happens if you get scared half to death twice?' He asked her but she just stared back.

'You're drunk.' Rosalie simply stated and Bella laughed sitting down beside her.

'I'm not.' Emmett protested fiercely. 'I gotta go water the lily.' Rosalie rolled her eyes and sighed heavily.

'Emmett please behave.' She said as if talking to a small child showing off in front of his friends.

He leaned down and stared Rosalie in the eye before saying very seriously, 'I am being have.' And stormed off leaning slightly left, out of the kitchen. Rosalie turned to Bella who was giggling to herself.

'Anyway, did you have a good night honey?' Bella proceeded to tell her all about the gig including Alice's performance with Jasper, whilst I made everyone hot cocoa. She missed out the most exciting part of the evening and I could tell she was thinking about it too as I set down her mug on the table. Rosalie yawned when I handed her a mug, and mentioned something about me being such a gentleman. Right then the image in my mind was far from gentlemanly. I sat next to Bella feeling like I was torturing myself by being so close to her.

Rosalie jumped suddenly and held a hand to her stomach. 'He kicked me.' She explained to our concerned faces and Bella's eyes lit up.

'Can I feel?' She asked Rosalie, who just nodded and put Bella's hand on her bump. This was getting just a little too close for comfort and I drained the last dregs of my cup needing to not be here.

'Oh wow.' Bella breathed as Rosalie let out a quiet 'oomph'

'He's wide awake now.' she sighed regrettably.

'Oh Edward come and feel.' Bella said to me in her excitement and before I could object she had manhandled me into holding my hand under hers. It wasn't Bella's fault, I tried to reason, she didn't know what had happened. But it still didn't help the feeling of nausea threatening to overwhelm me. And then I felt it, a foot definitely, or maybe an elbow, thrusting under our hands. My eyes met Bella's and she squealed with delight. I could feel her happiness seeping into me, and it thawed out the cold places where hatred and resentment had built up. I thought of my precious daughter sleeping somewhere in this house full of love, and a lump formed in my throat. I stood up quickly, removing my hand and swiping at my eyes. If either of them noticed, they didn't comment.

'Well I don't think he's coming back.' Rosalie said grabbing both mugs and standing to leave. 'I'll see you guys in the morning.' She winked at me as she left and I felt my heart speed up.

'What was that about?' Bella asked looking amused at me.

'It's nothing.' I shrugged, but she wasn't having any of it. 'Rosalie thinks we're together.' I said not meeting her eyes.

'Are we?' My head snapped up and I momentarily lost all function in my brain as I took in her shy smile and the uncertainness in her eyes.

'I thought you weren't allowed to get involved with me?' I teased her and she rewarded me with a grin.

'Neither are you remember? Who was it?' She asked resignedly and I had to laugh.

'Emmett. And you?'

'Alice.' We both stared at each other, figuring out what this meant. Suddenly she leaned in towards me and I had an urge to suck on her bottom lip until she moaned. 'We could…' She stopped mid-sentence.

'What?' I prompted her, holding my breath in case it was the opposite of what I was thinking, but she sighed and turned away from me.

'I've not been with anyone since Jacob.' She said sadly refusing to look at me. I shifted my chair to the other side of the table and lifted her chin with my hand.

'I've not been with anyone since Tanya.' I replied, but she still looked lost.

'I didn't think I could feel this way about anyone Edward. It's so complicated.' She was right about that, but of all the things I'd done in my life, this was the one thing I was most sure about.

'Bella I know you're hurting, and confused, believe me I never thought I would feel anything for anyone either until I met you. I thought I'd died with Tanya.' She looked shocked at that but didn't say a word. 'I don't want you to do anything you're not comfortable with, I didn't plan this to happen either, it just kind of has. But I do know that I like you Bella, a lot more than I probably should do.' She was silent and I took that as a very bad sign. A sign I'd ruined everything, as usual. 'Bella?' I whispered gently and lifted her chin again. A fat tear drop rolled down her cheek and splashed onto my hand and I realised she was crying. Without hesitating, I hauled her off the chair and into my arms, holding her tightly and kissing her hair. 'Bella what is it?'

'You're too nice.' She sobbed and I thought I'd never been accused of that before. I let her cry and when the tears stopped she sat still, holding on to me. 'Every person I let myself care about is just one more person I stand to loose further down the line. I don't know if I can go through that again.'

I didn't know what to say to that. She had lost so much all at once. My loss had been more of a blessing, but when I thought about doing it all over again with Bella, I knew it would be worth it.

'There are no guarantees Bella. You know your limits, you tell me what you can and cant handle.'

'I can handle this.' She whispered and I tightened my arms around her. We sat like that for a long time, until we heard a car pull into the driveway. Bella climbed off me and stretched sleepily. Just then, Issy started crying and we both looked towards the stairs.

'Where are you sleeping?' I asked her as the sounds of Alice and Jasper singing drunkenly outside got closer. She shrugged at me. 'You can have my bed if you want, it's made up fresh. I'll crash in with missy.' And I nodded towards the stairs. Bella stepped towards me and stroked my cheek with her hand. She leaned in and pressed her face to my neck, seeming to inhale me. She pressed her lips to that spot and murmured, 'Thanks' before heading off out of the door. I breathed deeply, trying to steady my racing heart before slipping out into the hallway and jumping up the stairs two at a time. I walked to Issy's room and just spotted Bella disappearing into my room down the hall. My heart lifted along with other parts of my anatomy as I imagined climbing in there later and finding her sweet scent on my pillow for days to come.

I bent down and picked up Issy, throwing her over my shoulder and thinking over my conversation with Bella. Did she want us to be together? Surely it was a mistake to want to be together. After everything we'd been through in our own versions of hell, what were we thinking? Bella was still grieving the love of her life, and I was sworn off women, but there was just something I couldn't ignore about this. It didn't matter that I'd been truly fucked over by the bitch from hell and hadn't let another female near me for fear they'd do the same, because Bella was different.

I noticed Issy was finally asleep and feeling triumphant with myself I dropped her into her cot and settled down on the rocking chair next to it, removing my t-shirt with one hand. With Tanya it had been enjoyable, entertaining even at first, but never had I felt the kind of connection I had with Bella. I'd never felt this way about anyone before and it scared the shit out of me, but also made me want to try harder. I hoped she wanted the same because I couldn't let her go without a fight.

I heard Alice and Jasper creep past the door giggling like school kids and I appreciated the effort to keep the noise down. I leaned back and prepared to get a few hours sleep when I heard their door slam, open again and Jasper whisper down the hall 'Sorry Edward.' I would have forgiven them because Issy hadn't actually stirred but then it slammed again and she woke with a start. I groaned and lifted her again, settling her on my bare shoulder and rubbing her back. This time though she refused to be won over.

A slight movement at the door caught my eye and I turned to see Bella stood there in one of my t-shirts, the hem stopping high on her thighs and I had to swallow hard. She was staring at my chest and I was glad Emmett had agreed to work out with me this week. I raised an eyebrow at her and she shook her head. She offered me a small smile and stepped into the room taking Issy from me and turning her in her arms. She held out her finger to Issy's lips and Issy sucked on it greedily.

'Ok, I'll go get a bottle.' I muttered and bent to grab my shirt from the floor but Bella was quicker than me and kicked it from my reach, shrugging as I frowned up at her. Oh she wanted to play like that did she? I stood up and kissed her thigh just under the hem of my t-shirt.

'Edward!' She exclaimed softly, wriggling backwards, the shock obvious in her voice. I chuckled at her and left the room, minus a top.


	14. Chapter 14

**Bella**

**I watched Edward's exquisite back leave the room and sighed dreamily. I'd been trying my hardest to get some sleep earlier but lying in Edward's bed with his smell all around me was kind of distracting. Finally after hearing the doors slamming and Issy's cries start up again, I had an excuse to get up and go see him. And oh what a sight that was. Edward, his top on the floor exposing a glorious expanse of skin, with muscles that rippled deliciously as he bounced his tiny little girl over his shoulder. **

**From the way he was standing, you could pick out every muscle in the human body from the waist up on him, and a longing to do just that with my tongue shocked me. **

**His broad shoulders tapered down over his chest and firm abdomen, to his jeans that were riding low on his lean hips, revealing the perfect 'V' above his waist band that made me quiver with lust. God I knew he looked good in a suit but I'd never have guessed how fucking amazing he looked underneath one. Just standing in the doorway to Issy's room, my knees had gone weak and I had to hold the doorway for support. That was when he turned around and I knew I'd been caught staring.**

**Feeling stupid, I walked over keeping my head low, took Issy from him and confirmed she was hungry now and not just fussing. Edward said he'd get a bottle ready and I wondered if he would object to going back with me to his large king size bed to feed her. Our conversation earlier made me realise he wasn't pushing for anything, he was just as confused about this as I was, and it comforted me to know Edward understood how I felt. He had lost someone too. **

**I hadn't meant to cry though, he was just being so nice about everything and I wished with all my heart and soul that we weren't in this fucked up situation, and that being with each other was easy.**

**The annoying thing was, being with Edward **_**was **_**so**__**easy. I couldn't hide my feelings from him and his words ran through my head once more. **

'_**But I do know that I like you Bella, a lot more than I probably should do' **_

**A sentence I had repeated over and over since he said it, and one I would probably never forget. Yes things were complicated, but Edward made me feel things I'd never thought I would again and also things I'd never felt before. With Edward everything was different, and although it scared the hell out of me I wanted to experience this with him.**

**It amused me that it was Emmett who had warned Edward not to get involved with me. He was a pretty big consequence to have to deal with. **

_**But he'd risked it so far hadn't he?**_** A small voice nagged at me but I pushed it away, not ready to face what that might mean for us.**

**I stopped Edward from covering himself up again and spoiling the magnificent view, and I was just giggling to myself at his obvious surprise at my actions when I felt a hot open-mouthed kiss on my upper thigh. I tried not to squeal and get us both in major trouble, but it still shocked me in the most nerve tingling pleasant way. So he wanted to play huh? **

**Still trying to calm down Issy, I let her suck on my finger as I crept up the hallway to Edward's room and waited for him in the doorway. After a few moments Edward appeared at the top of stairs. He stopped and stared at me, obviously wondering why I was stood at his door, then his eyes darkened as my motives became clear. I turned and walked into the room, knowing he wouldn't be far behind me. I didn't have to wait long as the door closed firmly a few seconds later. **

**I climbed onto his huge bed and sat down cross-legged right in the middle. I settled Issy into my lap and held my hand out for the bottle. Edward was still staring at me in a dumbstruck way but handed it over and climbed onto the bed opposite me. He mimicked my sitting position, so close our knees were overlapping and his hands rested easily on my thighs. He looked nervous and I was glad I had Issy to hold onto because I was shaking like a leaf. We both watched her for a little while, gulping greedily and looking very content, her dark mop of hair, long eyelashes and big brown eyes the stuff of angels.**

'**She's gorgeous.' I whispered, and Edward grinned back at me. 'Takes after his father. Oh shit, I didn't mean to say that out loud.' Edward was chuckling softly but I couldn't meet his eyes. It was a reaction, a speak before you think moment and I felt myself blushing furiously. 'Does she look like her mother?' I said quickly to cover my embarrassment. Edward suddenly became very silent and I knew I'd said the wrong thing. **

**I looked up and saw the pain in his eyes. 'I'm sorry Edward, do you miss her a lot?' The pain turned to anger very quickly and I'm sure if he could have snarled at that moment he would have. Instead he stroked Issy's cheek delicately, and with such love that I almost felt myself welling up at the gesture. He looked up at me through his lashes as if weighing me up, but he looked so tortured, like he wanted to tell me but at the same time he didn't want me to know.**

'**I'm sorry Bella, the last thing you probably want to hear is my sad life story.' I understood his sentiment exactly but the funny thing was, I really did want to know. I needed a little bit of Edward that the outside world didn't see everyday. **

'**You listened to mine.' I smiled back, hoping he didn't think I was being out of line. 'You don't have to.' **

**Edward went to stand up and I was afraid he was going to leave the room but he shifted so that he was behind me and wrapped his arms and legs around us both. He leaned his head against my shoulder so that he was staring down at Issy, and inhaled deeply. **

'**I didn't even know she was mine.' He whispered as if Issy would be hurt by his comment. 'I mean, she told me the truth for once in her fucking life but I thought she was just trying to keep a roof over her head. I didn't find out until the paternity test and even then I didn't believe it right away.'**

'**It must have been a lot to take in.' I said, my voice small and unsure of where this was going. **

'**Carlisle saved us. If he hadn't been there I know I would have lost it big time. I never would have gone to the hospital, and I never would have got out of Alaska.' The anger was back and I had a feeling it was directed at himself. I wondered about Edward and Carlisle's relationship, Alice had told me she never knew of Edward before the day he turned up on their doorstep.**

'**Tell me about you and Carlisle.' I ventured bravely, not knowing if I'd get told to mind my own freaking business. Instead Edward just sighed.**

'**Not much to tell. My mom and Carlisle had a brief thing for a while back when she was a scrub nurse and he was just an intern. She was easily led and became part of a lucrative scam at the hospital where they used the fresh faced baby docs to harvest organs, and then sold them illegally for huge sums of money. She knew it was wrong but she also saw the children with parents who had no medical insurance get turned down for transplants and thought she would be making a difference to their lives. **

**Her conscience eventually made an appearance and she tried to stop them from using Carlisle, but one last sell would be enough for a deposit on their first home. Carlisle figured it out and in the process, discovered the level of my mother's deception. She went to prison and Carlisle thought she had just used him for the money and wanted nothing to do with her. By the time she realised she was pregnant with me she knew she was on her own and never burdened Carlisle. She talked of him constantly though.'**

'**Is she…'**

'**No.' Edward interrupted firmly. 'She's gone now. She was sick, depression. Never recovered from losing Carlisle and ruining her career and our lives. She was plagued by guilt and she drank too much. Then one day she asked for him, said she needed to talk to him if it was the last thing she did. I knew where he was living and called him up. He was shocked to say the least but he agreed to come over and see her. She died before he boarded the flight but at least he made it to her funeral.' **

**Silence fell between us as I considered just how much heartache Edward had been through. Was this the reason he had no faith in his own parenting abilities? He'd had no good role models to guide him. Would things have been different if Carlisle knew about him earlier?**

**Just as I thought it, Issy came to the end of her bottle and Edward reached down to pluck her from my lap. He positioned her carefully over his shoulder and began winding her. **

'**I can never repay Carlisle for what he did.' The way Edward said it made it clear there was more than just a funeral attendance to be repaid. He paused and I turned my head to look at him. He was peering at Issy's face to check she was asleep. Satisfied with what he saw, Edward got up off the bed and nodded his head towards the hallway. 'I'm gonna put her down, I'll be back in a minute.' **

_**Don't go anywhere**_** was what I really heard him say and I felt an inappropriate thrill of happiness rush through me at the thought he wanted to be with me tonight.**

**When Edward returned I had rearranged all the pillows I could find into a cosy cocoon at the head of Edward's stupidly large bed. He sank into the satiny mass next me and ran his fingers through his hair. From this angle I couldn't read his face but I could feel the tension in his body.**

'**Was that when Carlisle brought you back?' I asked.**

'**Yeah.' He answered with a sigh. 'That was the same day we found her.' Edward's voice had changed almost as if he was detaching himself from the memories and my heart went out to him. I knew how it felt to relive every painful moment and I almost stopped him causing himself distress, but he had this determined look on his face that told me he needed to say this.**

'**After the service, Carlisle dropped me to my apartment. I offered for him to come in for a drink but he declined. So I left him in his car. When I opened the apartment door everything was so still, so quiet. I couldn't hear Tanya so I assumed she'd gone out. I went into the bedroom to get changed and there she was, laying on the bed. The sheets were dark red, almost black surrounding her and there were ugly ragged slashes all over her arms. Her eyes were open and she was staring at me with this terrified look on her face. I couldn't understand what I was seeing and I remember asking her **_**what have you done?**_** but she just laughed at me and said **_**no Edward, you did this to me, and now you have to live with it.**_

**Somehow I managed to call Carlisle's cell and moments later he was wrapping sheets around her arms and yelling at me to help him carry her to the car. The whole way there she was screaming, **_**let me die, you bastard let me die. **_**She got her wish, but not before they saved Issy.' I was stunned, completely speechless. I'd imagined all the tragic ways Tanya had died, and her heartache as she realised she was being taken away from her precious baby and love of her life forever. Never had I imagined she had been the one to instigate it. **

**I turned to Edward but he was staring into space, too lost in her betrayal.**

'**I'd tried to stop her drinking, stop her going out and fucking up the poor innocent baby inside her. If only I'd tried harder. If only I listened when she threatened to kill herself and got her the help she needed, but I just thought she was bluffing to get her own way, I didn't know she would actually do it.' Edward sat up and turned to face me. 'Bella, what if I hadn't found her?' **

**The anguish was clear in his eyes and I couldn't stand it anymore. The thought of Edward without Issy, the thought of never meeting Edward at all was too much. **

**Without hesitation I pushed myself up off the bed and flung my arms around his neck, clinging there for dear life. I was completely terrified that if I let him go he would disappear too. Edward seemed to move towards me at the same time and his arms wrapped tightly around my waist pulling me as close as was physically possible, I couldn't have moved even if I wanted to, which I really didn't. **

'**I feel so much better when you are here.' Edward whispered into my neck and sent shivers down my spine for more than one reason.**

'**Then I'll never leave.' Edward lifted his head to look straight at my face but still kept hold of me tightly. I noticed he was frowning.**

'**Don't say shit like that Bella.' He said softly and I instantly felt awful. Here he was sharing the most devastating moment in his life and I was making jokes. I hung my head in shame but Edward pulled my chin up level with his face again. I took a deep breath and looked him right in the eye.**

'**I like you too Edward, also a lot more than I should do. And…..being with you makes me feel so much better that I cant keep away from you.' **

**Time stood still as Edward watched my face. If he was testing me then I wasn't going to fail this one. I stared back at him with as much intensity as I could muster. Then, one side of Edwards mouth lifted into a half smile that just might have been as devastating as one of his full smiles. My heart did a little flippy thing and huge grin spread across my face. Then I noticed the way I was currently sat. In my haste to get to Edward, I had managed to position myself so that I was straddling Edward's waist. His t-shirt was now bunched up around my hips and I could feel the roughness of his jeans on the insides of my thighs. My breath caught in my throat.**

'**Bella?' he said. 'Is that your heart beating that fast?' I nodded slowly and Edward did that half smile again. God I was feeling faint. His voice dropped to the sexiest little whisper that did weird and wonderful things to my insides. 'Is that because of me?' **

**This time I didn't need to answer. I closed the gap between us, needing to show him just how much it was because of him. Our mouths connected and I instantly felt like I was home. How had kissing Edward become so natural? I pressed myself to his chest and ran my hands over his shoulders, up into his hair and down across his back, wanting to feel every god damn gorgeous inch of him.**

**Edward's hands were making a trail of their own, one straight into my hair holding me to his mouth, and the other along my thigh. When his hand skimmed the edge of my underwear I nearly yelped. He lifted the hem of his t-shirt and stroked along my back as I arched into his touch.**

'**God you are fucking beautiful.' He murmured into my lips sounding like he really meant it. For some reason, his words took away the last of my uncertainty and I knew in my heart a decision had been made. **

**I reached down and pulled up the t-shirt, only breaking the kiss at the last possible moment. Edward helped me lift it over my head and when I returned to him he was waiting and looking me straight in the eye.**

'**Are you sure?' He asked. I'd never felt so sure of anything in all my life. With Edward I felt like I could do anything and go anywhere, and the fact that he'd asked me I knew I could trust him one hundred percent.**

'**I'm sure.' I replied, feeling my confidence growing under his gaze. His mouth was back on mine in an instant, urgently pushing my lips apart and teasing me with his tongue. I pressed myself harder against Edward's chest marvelling in the electric feel of his skin on mine. Edward's hands skimmed down to my waist, his thumbs lazily caressing the sides of my breasts as he did so. Then he reached down and grabbed my ass with both hands, pulling me closer. I whimpered into his mouth as his hard cock pushed deliciously into my panties. Edward groaned back and rocked his hips into me again. The feeling was so incredible I felt like all my nerve endings were on fire. Edward was planting kisses down the side of my face and into my neck, licking and nipping the skin as he went. I didn't think I could feel as good as I did right at that moment.**

'**Bella,' He growled softly as I ground my hips against him, needing to feel the friction once more. 'This might not last too long.' His eyes were so glazed with lust and I could see by the twitching muscle in his jaw just how much Edward was keeping his control reined in. Just like that I was through playing games. **

'**Please Edward.' My hand lowered to his belt buckle between us and Edward's eyes met mine. I'm not sure what he saw there but clearly it was all he needed to see.**

**In an instant Edward had lifted me slightly, unbuckled his jeans and rolled on a condom. Pushing my panties to one side his fingers gently rubbed my clit before sliding their way into me. Edward was studiously watching my face and I was dangerously close to losing it.**

'**You're so wet.' He whispered, sucking my bottom lip into his mouth. He was driving me crazy and he knew it. 'Do you want me to stop?'**

'**No. I want you inside me.' **

**I could feel the growl in Edward's chest as he kissed me deeply, gripping my body to his chest. 'Can I buy you some new underwear?' I heard him murmur, but before I could ask why, the sound of cotton tearing answered my question. Heat rolled through me as I realised what he'd done. With my mouth open I stared at Edward thinking he was the sexiest fucking guy I had ever known and I had to have him, now. **

**Edward grabbed my hips again and lifted me so that I was positioned over his lap. **

'**Fuck Bella, I need to be inside you.' Our eyes locked again as I slowly slid onto his rock hard erection. I couldn't move, couldn't speak, couldn't take my eyes from Edward's. Surely this was heaven? 'You ok baby?' I heard him ask but I could only moan in response. Suddenly I was on my back with Edward's weight on top of me. 'Tell me to stop if you want to.' He breathed. **

'**No.' I all but shouted feeling horrified at the thought, and grabbed Edward's buttocks driving him deeper inside me. His eyes widened as a groan escaped our lips at the same time. **

'**Bella you drive me godamn crazy, you know that?' He placed one arm under my hips, drawing me closer and the other under my head. Holding me still he whispered, 'Tell me you've never felt like this with anyone else either.' I didn't even have to pause.**

'**Edward I haven't. Ever.' And then I couldn't think straight, as Edward's magnificent body was thrusting into me, pushing me over the edge into sweet oblivion, his eyes never leaving mine for a second as the most intense orgasm I'd ever had swept through me. He whispered my name as he came, and then pulled me into his body, still not breaking eye contact. We were breathing hard, our hearts beating loudly and quickly as though trying to match each other. **

**Edward was the first to speak. 'I've changed my mind, can you never leave please?' **

**I felt a glorious high as I laughed and kissed him, tracing beads of sweat down his chest and revelling in how comfortable we both felt with each other. **

**Edward pulled back the sheets for me to clamber in, pausing to remove my destroyed underwear from the headboard. He smiled at me and shrugged, 'Sorry, I couldn't wait that long.' **


	15. Chapter 15

_**Edward**_

_**What the fuck just happened? I asked myself as I watched the most beautiful woman I'd ever laid eyes on sleeping peacefully on my pillows, a smile on her lips and the heavenly smell of sex lingering on her skin. I knew there was chemistry between us but that was something incredible. My head was still reeling from the explosive orgasm I'd had watching Bella come hard on my dick. The second time was even more earth shattering, and I'm hard again just thinking about it. Sex with Tanya had been quick and dirty, a means to an end. But with Bella, I'd wanted it to last forever. Wanted to watch her face, wanted to hold her close, wanted to tell her I loved her.**_

_**Issy's tiny murmurs alerting me to a full screaming tantrum, interrupted my thoughts and I threw back the covers to get out of bed. I felt a hand on my chest pushing me back down, followed by hot wet kisses trailing down my abdomen towards my now fully hard erection. Bella's hand wrapped around me and I could have died happy right then. She lifted one leg over me and sat up straight. My mouth sought out her breasts, kissing and flicking them with my tongue, and loving the sweet cries coming from her mouth. **_

_**I reached for the last of the condoms and hastily slid it on before Bella thrust herself down onto me. She threw her head back as she fucked me and I held on tight kissing her neck, rubbing her ass and breasts as if I couldn't believe my luck at having her here. She was simply amazing. I couldn't ever get bored of this even if I tried. **_

_**Finally I couldn't hold back any longer and I held her face between my hands, staring deep into the blue as I came once more. I felt her bucking around me and I reached between us to rub her to ecstasy. To both our surprise Bella screamed my name as her orgasm overtook her and I had to kiss her quick before we woke the whole house. **_

_**She collapsed against me and started giggling into my chest. 'Sorry.' She whispered and I sat her up sharply.**_

'_**Don't ever apologise for what you just did.' I said in all seriousness. **_

_**Issy, who I had forgotten completely, now started her tantrum with renewed vigor and I rolled my eyes at Bella. **_

'_**You stay there.' She said climbing off me and grabbing my shirt from the floor. 'I'll get her.' She gave me a lingering kiss before disappearing out of the door. **_

_**I settled myself back into the bed, noticing the screaming stop almost instantly, and wondered how I got to be such a lucky bastard. I knew I would never have known these pleasures if it wasn't for Carlisle, his family and Bella and for that I was entirely grateful to them. I needed a way to pay them back.**_

_**By the time Bella had snuck in and climbed back into bed I was feeling quite emotional. She had a tiny pink bundle in her arms busily slugging out of a bottle, and a cloth over her shoulder. For one microsecond you could almost believe we were a proper family and my heart lurched at the realisation I really fucking wanted us to be.**_

_**I pulled Bella towards me and she leant into my chest, wrapping her long legs around mine. I kissed her temple and she smiled up at me before snuggling down and closing her eyes. Before long they were both snoring quietly and I couldn't take my eyes from them. I removed the now empty bottle and set it on the bedside table. With my arms wrapped tight around them both I sigh contentedly. This was it, this was what happiness truly was. This was what I had been missing all my life. **_

_**Consciousness came to me slowly as I stretched a stretch only the deepest sleep warranted. I started to smile to myself before I felt a sudden emptiness. My arms were empty. I sat up quickly fearing that it had all been a cruel dream when I saw Bella still wearing my t-shirt, sat at the end of the bed dressing Issy. My heart resumed beating, albeit a lot fucking quicker than normal, and I sighed heavily. Bella's smile said it all. **_

'_**Here's your daddy.' She cooed at Issy, picking her up and turning her to me. I took her from Bella's outstretched arms and settled her into my lap apprehensively, always wary she would remember she hated me. But she gazed up at me with such trust in her eyes, that I would look after her and be there for her, it took my breath away. **_

_**Bella stood watching us for a second and I couldn't stand the distance. I patted the bed next to me and she eagerly clambered on. She looked scared as hell, but I didn't have to wonder very long if she was having doubts about her feelings for me. She leaned over and cupped my face between her tiny soft hands, her eyes searching mine for something, and then she kissed me. Her mouth soft at first, exploring mine, sucking on my lips and tasting me with her tongue. Then she pushed harder, and deeper, forcing my mouth open and sending my head spinning. I'd never been kissed like it before, and normally it was me doing the dazzling. **_

_**Bella pulled back and her eyes weren't quite focused. Maybe I was doing some dazzling of my own after all. God she unnerved me and thrilled me at the same time, and I wanted to take her again here and now. Her coy little smile said she wanted the same but a swift kick in my abdomen reminded me we had company. **_

_**I coughed and looked back down at Issy. She was so happy kicking and gurgling, just content to be held for a change. **_

'_**Is this new?' I asked Bella, holding a strap of Issy's pink dungarees between my fingers. Bella looked excited and then embarrassed.**_

'_**Yes. I bought it for her, hope you don't mind.'**_

_**I kissed her again, quickly this time in case I had no restraint left. 'No not at all. But you know Alice wont like the fact she's not wearing a skirt right?' Bella giggled and hopped off the bed. **_

'_**I better get dressed.' she said holding up her rucksack and I indicated to the door behind her.**_

'_**Help yourself, I'll grab you some towels and some of Alice's girly stuff.' I stood up, the covers falling to the floor and heard the sharp intake of breath come from the other side of the room. I'd forgotten I was completely naked, but hey she wanted to play that game last night with my shirt. I walked towards Bella watching as she fought to keep her eyes on mine. When I was level with her I stopped and handed her the baby.**_

'_**Can you take her? I need to find some clothes.' Bella swallowed hard and gratefully accepted Issy as a distraction. 'What's wrong Bella?' I teased examining her tortured expression. This time she looked at me starting from my feet all the way up to meet my eyes.**_

'_**Not one thing.' She murmured and just like that the air was supercharged with this electricity that jolted me to life. I grabbed my jeans from last night, shoved them on and turned on the shower for Bella. **_

_**I took Issy from her arms and whispered. 'I'll be right back.' before lunging for the door and heading down the hall to Rosalie and Emmett's room. Luckily the door was open and Rosalie was sat on the rocking chair, but I knew it wouldn't have made a difference if their door was shut. Emmett would just have to stick his fucked up rules.**_

_**Rosalie looked slightly taken back as I marched into the room and plonked Issy into her lap, kissing her forehead as I did so. 'Can you watch her for half an hour for me? Need to shower and….stuff.'**_

_**Rosalie's eyes narrowed. 'O…kay.'**_

'_**Great.' I was about to walk out the door again when she spoke again.**_

'_**Edward, do you want to borrow something? You can ask me you know.' My heart felt like it was in my throat as I turned back and tried to put on a blank face. **_

'_**Some shampoo, conditioner, shower gel? That doesn't smell like boys?' **_

_**She gave me a crooked smile and pointed towards the ensuite in their room. 'I wont tell.' **_

_**I felt slightly torn. By going in there I was admitting to having a girl and not just any girl, but Bella, in my shower. And then I thought of all the time I'd wasted having Bella in my shower without me, and my mind was made up.**_

'_**Ok where?' I conceded and Rosalie just about managed to suppress a huge grin.**_

'_**Bathroom cabinet, top shelf and middle shelf.'**_

_**I opened the cabinet and found apple blossom shampoo and conditioner on the top shelf and a creamy looking very girly smelling shower gel on the middle shelf.**_

'_**Oh and Edward,' she continued. 'Try the middle drawer on the left.'**_

_**Frowning at what was obviously Emmett's jock strap lying on the floor, I carefully stepped over it to the left hand shelves. There in the middle drawer was a huge box of condoms. I smiled to myself, loving Rosalie for being so pregnant right now. Well they obviously weren't needing them. I grabbed a few handfuls snorting at my own optimism and shut the drawer. **_

'_**Thankyou.' I nodded to her as I sped out of the room, stopping to grab a bunch of towels from the linen closet as I passed it. Once inside my room I locked the door, and stood staring at the open door to my ensuite bathroom.**_

_**The shower door was open and Bella, very naked, was standing under a stream of water. I walked in and shoved everything I'd procured into the sink. Without thinking I stepped into the shower and started kissing her bare shoulders, down her back, across her buttocks and down her thighs. She turned and I started my journey of kisses back up. **_

_**By the time I was standing Bella was panting quite hard. She pulled on my jeans to undo them and shoved them down around my ankles. Needing to feel her again I lifted her legs so that they were around my waist and pushed her back against the wall, entering her hard and causing her to bite down gently on my lip in surprise. Then she was insatiable, writhing against me, kissing and sucking my lips, pulling my hair and running her hands all over me as I pinned her to the wall with long hard strokes that very quickly had us both coming undone.**_

'_**I've never wanted anyone so much Edward.' Bella mumbled into my chest as I held her waiting for us both to get our breaths back. I nodded that I felt the same, unable as yet to speak or think in sentences. Instead I kissed her and hoped that she could read into it everything I was too afraid to say out loud or even hope for.**_


	16. Chapter 16

**Bella**

'**Uh Bells do you know why Edward's acting so weird these last few days? Cause I haven't a fucking clue.'**

**I tried to keep my smile hidden as Alice frowned into the drizzle that had ruined our lunch picnic. Jacob's eyes met mine but I looked away. **

'**No. How do you mean weird?' If she meant getting up super early to fit me in for 'extra' physio sessions, and faking headaches so that we can sneak out late and meet each other for no holds barred, out of this world incredible sex? then no, I didn't know either. It was getting harder to mask my grin though.**

'**Well you know kind of like…happy?' I choked unattractively on my juice and held my hand up for her to carry on when she shot me a look. 'He actually smiled at me the other morning, and complimented Jasper on his hair, which I've just restyled by the way you have to see it.'**

'**Maybe things are just going well for him right now? Like with Issy and work stuff?' I ventured. 'Doesn't he deserve to be happy?' Alice shot me another look.**

'**Of course he does. Its just that, its such a complete 180 you know? Like one day he was miserable old cranky Edward and then overnight,' I choked again but this time Alice ignored me. 'he transforms into this happy go lucky guy we don't even recognise. Do you know he's gone to a football game with Emmett and Rosalie today?' This got my attention.**

'**But Edward hates football.'**

'**Right! Wait, how do you know that?' Ah shit, quick think.**

'**We talk….during our sessions. In the physio room, you know? When I'm on the table, and before, and after.' Ok I was babbling and Alice was looking at me as if I'd started speaking Swahili. 'We talk.'**

'**Anyway,' Alice started packing up her rubbish and I followed suit. 'So has he said anything to you? Seeing as you talk so much? Is he seeing someone? Could it be love that's changed him?' Ok I wasn't even drinking or eating this time and I still choked. Alice handed me her water bottle frowning. 'Are you getting sick? Maybe its that Jessica girl, she's always been into Edward.' I couldn't stand it anymore.**

'**Look Alice, I'll do some digging ok? Next time I'm with Edward I'll find out and let you know the gossip first hand.' This perked her up and with a swing in her step, we walked back to the hospital arm in arm.**

**I thought back to the last few days and felt the familiar stirrings of lust for Edward spring to life. I'd not had this much sex in my whole life and yet it just kept getting better. The more time we spent together, the more we learnt about each other and the more our bodies responded to one another. It was fascinating how well Edward knew how to kiss me just right, when to bite my lip and how hard. How to bring me to the brink without pushing me over. How he can tell from my moans whether to go fast or slow and how he holds out for me so that we come together. **

**Of course Jacob was mad when I left Edward's side the morning after. I didn't expect anything less. **

'**Bella don't do this.' He begged me. 'I'm here for you. don't choose him over me.'**

**I know I'm doing the right thing. It feels so right and there are the facts. The fact that I think about him constantly. The way he smiles at me, the way he brushes past me and secretly places his hand on me. The way he frowns hard when Alice asks me if I think a guy is cute. The way he holds Issy. The way he looks at me when he's unsure of what to do with her and he's asking my opinion. The way we stare into each other's eyes as we reach orgasm. That alone connects us in a way I'd never thought possible. **

**The fact that I haven't had one nightmare since sleeping with Edward and I haven't slept one night since Jasper's band night without him. **

**The fact that I haven't had a panic attack since being with Edward near constantly. Oh and the fact that I think I'm falling in love with him.**

**The day went far too slowly for my liking and when I finally took off my scrubs, I couldn't help the excitement I felt at seeing Edward. Alice walked me to my car with Jacob trailing close behind. He was still there whenever Edward wasn't, quietly brooding and occasionally trying to persuade me to go back to the way things were. **

**The earlier drizzle had ran out and the sun was trying it's best again the grey clouds. Optimism at its best.**

'**So did I tell you there was some kind of big shot music producer at the band night and he asked Jasper for a demo, awesome huh?'**

'**Wow Alice that's huge!' I gave her a hug, recognising the pride in her voice and the shine in her eyes. 'It's about time too.' **

**My phone bleeped in my bag and I fished it out quickly scanning the txt. It was from Edward.**

**Meet me at our bench. X**

'**Uh, I left something in my locker, I'll see you tomorrow?'**

'**Are you sure? I'll come back with you.'**

'**No!' I hadn't meant it to sound so harsh. 'I'll go back its fine, I'm sure you want to get back to Jasper.'**

**A faraway look descended over Alice's features and I knew I'd won.**

**Jacob appeared at my side as I waved goodbye and turned back towards the park.**

'**Bella, I'm not going to leave you again, why can't you trust me?'**

**I wasn't sure I could have this conversation again.**

'**Jake please.'**

'**There's a reason why I'm here Bells.'**

'**So you keep saying.'**

'**Don't you love me anymore?'**

**I stopped and turned.**

'**Of course I do, it's just…you're dead Jacob!' I could feel my cheeks heating and my hands begin to shake.**

'**Don't worry Bella it's all going to work out.' **

'**What is Jake? What's going to work out? Oh no that's right, you can't tell me.' I tried to walk away from him but I could feel the anger bubbling under the surface, desperate to escape, so I let him have it. 'You don't know how long I needed you here, I thought it would solve everything, but I was wrong Jacob. I needed to move on, and I'm moving on, with Edward.' My eyes started to feel hot and my throat stung with the effort of holding back the tears, but Jacob just smiled back at me. **

'**Don't you get it?' I yelled. 'I'm with someone else, you can leave now.'**

**His smile was irritating the fuck out of me 'No I can't.'**

**My fists clenched, and my next sentence was spoken through gritted teeth 'Just go Jacob, please.'**

'**Bella you don't understand.' It was about then that I lost it.**

'**You know what Jake? You're right I don't understand. I don't understand why we had to be on the road the same time as that truck, I don't understand why you're dead and I'm still alive, I don't understand how I've still got a job and a house and friends who care about me, I don't understand why Edward wants to be with me and most of all I don't understand what the fuck you want from me!'**

**Jacob stepped towards me the second I knew I was going to faint. The blood rushed in my ears and a nausea swept through my body that made my knees shake. I felt like I was floating above myself, looking down on this ridiculous situation, wishing so badly I was with someone else. Someone stronger, someone taller, someone more Edward-like. Someone real. **

**Jacob reached out to me the same time Edward's face swam into view. I must have said his name aloud because Jacob stepped back again and then the world went black.**

**Edward**

**I heard her shouting. The venom in her voice took me back for a second, and then I couldn't run fast enough. I had to get to her.**

**As soon as she came into view I knew there was something really wrong. Her whole body was shaking as she unleashed her fury, and believe me I was so ready to jump in and kill the motherfucker who'd made her that angry, but I quickly realised to my disappointment and relief that Bella was alone. What was going on?**

**Before I had a chance to respond to this, Bella's face changed. She swayed dangerously. I doubled my speed across the road. Bella looked up and saw me coming and I thought I saw her smile but then she turned away again with a frown and fell to the floor.**

**I dove across the pavement, and managed to get an arm under her head, then I scooped her up and headed straight for A+E. Bella was floppy in my arms but I couldn't look at her, she had to be ok.**

'**Edward put me down.' I looked down into her bright eyes and managed to breath.**

'**No. Just fainted.'**

'**Exactly. Put me down, I'm fine.'**

**I growled at her and changed direction, but I didn't put her down. I carried her to our bench, ignoring the sweet grin on her face and sat down with her on my lap. She made no move to escape.**

'**Are you ok?' she asked me, to which I snorted, and then made my own assessment. I checked all along her body starting at her feet and her legs, feeling slowly for any abnormalities. My hands swept over her stomach and spine, examining closely. I felt the bones of her hands and her arms, and checked the alignment her shoulders and her neck. When I reached her head, my hands automatically smoothed back her hair as my fingers threaded themselves into her lengths and tipped her head back looking into her eyes.**

**She stared back at me with no fear, no anger, none of the emotion controlling her body just moments before. Just unadulterated lust and something else that scared me.**

'**Bella talk to me. What happened?'**

**She smiled wistfully. 'I fainted Edward and you picked me up. Am I all as I should be?'**

**Even though I nodded at her, I wasn't entirely convinced.**

'**I was there. I saw you shouting at someone.' **

**Bella's eyes darkened and she pulled away from me.**

'**It was nothing.' But my expression told her I didn't believe that crap. 'You'll think I'm crazy.'**

**I tugged her face towards me and crushed her lips to mine. Her mouth opened and she flicked her tongue against me. I couldn't stop the groan that escaped. 'Baby you make me crazy.'**

**She sat back smiling sadly, almost defeated, and I suddenly wasn't sure I wanted to know anymore.**

'**It's Jacob.'**

'**What about him?'**

'**That's who I was talking to.'**

**I paused for a second.**

'**You were shouting at Jacob? What about?'**

**Bella laughed nervously.**

'**Edward I tell you I was shouting at my dead fiancé and you ask me what the topic of our conversation was, not why the fuck are you talking to dead people?'**

**I winced, at the fiancé part, nothing else. If there was one thing I'd learnt by now it was not to sweat the small stuff. Bella was here, she was still with me by her own volition. There wasn't much more I wanted from life right now. If Bella still needed to work out some issues from her horrifically tragic past, hell yeah I'd help her do it, with fucking bells on.**

'**Bella have you thought it could be Post Traumatic….'**

'**Stress Disorder? Yeah, I've thought about it.'**

**I took a deep breath.**

'**It's normal to keep having flashbacks, it helps you to come to terms with what happened, it's a healthy way of your brain dealing with what happened and remembering the events so that you can find a way of moving on. You need to talk to someone about it, it will help. Its not a good idea to keep these things bottled up Bella, you can ignore it. But don't expect too much too soon, it takes time, cut yourself some slack, don't be so hard on yourself. It's not a sign of weakness, it's a normal reaction to a terrifying experience.'**

**Bella just stared at me. Then she started laughing and grabbing my hands, turning them over and looking up my sleeves.**

'**Did you memorise that or have you written it down somewhere?'**

**I pulled my hands away and stood up shoving them in my pockets. I couldn't believe I was blushing.**

'**So I did a bit of research ok? I was worried about you.'**

**She stood up, somehow managed to wrap her arms around me and laid her head on my chest. I felt the vibrations as she spoke.**

'**Thank you Edward.'**

**I kissed her the top of her head.**

'**You're welcome. You know you can talk to Carlisle or Esme or I'm sure we can find the best psychologist America has to offer, or maybe a European doctor..'**

'**I'd like to talk to you.'**

'**Fuck yes.' My heart swelled to full capacity. 'Anytime.'**

'**Ok'**

'**Ok'**

'**Edward where is Issy?'**

**Shit. 'Are you sure you're feeling fine?' I extracted my arms and held her away from me. She nodded, smiling her extraordinary smile at me and I almost lost all track of thought besides carrying her off to the nearest hotel for a few hours. 'Then we have dinner plans.'**

**She looked down at her jeans and frowned. I agreed they would have to come off soon enough. She laughed and I eagerly claimed her mouth again. Her soft lips reacted as if they solely existed to wait for my kisses. Her body pushed into me and her hands explored my chest. My near constant erection around her returned full force and I wrenched her against me. She ground her hips into mine, the friction delicious and tortured. Any longer and I would have yanked her jeans off there and then. We broke away panting heavily and grinning inanely at each other.**

'**You're perfect.' I whispered, meaning her jeans and a whole lot more.**


	17. Chapter 17

**Bella**

**We turn up at the nursery almost half an hour late. Edward instantly turns on the charm and I watch with fascination as they one by one melt into a puddle at his feet. God he's sexy.**

**Issy started gurgling and kicking away as soon as she hears his voice. It's a dramatic change from the distress she used to show whenever he was near. Funny how lots of things have changed since then. **

**Ten minutes later and we're heading north in Edward's car, the shiny Volvo complaining at being driven at only half it's normal speed. **

'**So are you going to tell me where we are going?' I asked watching his face closely. He hadn't mentioned the incident with Jacob since and I was starting to get worried it had affected him more then he was letting on. Not many people would react to the news that their new girl was still seeing her ex-fiancé with as much calm as Edward had. Could it be that he accepts me so easily?**

'**Nope, you'll just have to wait and see.'**

**He flashes me a smile that makes goose bumps run up my arms and a fire start low in my belly. This attraction is new to me. Never have I felt so completely turned on by just a smile, a word, the idea he is close by. It's like we are connected. With Jacob, there was always a slow steady burn but this is like an inferno.**

**Eventually we pull into a deserted car park at the side of the road. The evening is still light and warm, a rarity for Forks.**

**Edward pulls Issy out and straps her to his chest. Her eyes are wide and shining in his direction, her tiny fists grasping at his shirt and eagerly exploring the material with her mouth. She looks delighted to be so close to him and I cant help smiling at her, knowing exactly how she feels.**

**The last thing out of the trunk is a picnic basket. My grin widens and Edward mirrors me.**

'**Come on you two or it'll be dark and rainy by the time we get there.'**

**He holds out his spare hand to me but I just want to look at him for a moment, stood there with his tiny girl and offering me everything.**

**I needed to sort this shit out with Jacob and give Edward what he deserves, a girl worth keeping.**

**I walked towards him and slipped my hand in his, we started walking but my eyes never left his face.**

'**Will you help me?'**

'**With anything.'**

'**I want to be normal.'**

'**Oh…..'**

'**Edward!' I stopped abruptly pulling him backwards with the force. He kissed my nose and urged me on again. **

'**Sorry. We can talk to Carlisle later if you'd like?'**

**I nodded my approval but inside I felt sick. It would mean facing it all again. Reliving the most painful experience of my life, and yet I wanted to do it this time. I squeezed Edward's hand and he squeezed back, I had a reason now.**

**After walking for what felt like hours, we finally came to a wall of trees. Edward pushed me forwards and uncertainly I stepped through the branches into a beautiful clearing. The grass was lush and vibrant green with sprinkles of wildflowers giving it life and colour. A small stream trickled nearby breaking the silence yet hypnotising with its continuous melody. Heat from the sun instantly relaxed my muscles as I turned my face towards it and soaked in the radiance. **

**When I looked down Edward was sitting on a blanket spread beneath a large tree. He had emptied the picnic basket, spread the contents onto the blanket and settled Issy into it as a makeshift cot. He was watching me intently.**

'**Do you like it here?'**

**I knelt down next to him and gently fit my mouth to his. His hand cupped the side of my face, his thumb stroking my cheek. I'd never felt so happy.**

'**I love it.' I breathed and felt Edward's smile against my lips.**

'**Good. But are you hungry?'**

**I drew his bottom lip into my mouth with my teeth and bit down gently. Edward groaned and pulled me into his lap careful not to wake the sleeping angel, and kissed me hard and deep, all lips and teeth and tongue. With one hand he slowly undid the buttons of my shirt and nudged the fabric aside. His palm stroked the flesh above my bra, and pushed the straps off my shoulders. I shifted so that I was straddling his hips, squirming when I felt his obvious arousal pulse against me.**

**My shirt was off and my bra closely followed and then Edwards mouth was there, kissing, licking and sucking my neck, collar bones and finally my breasts. His tongue flicked over a nipple, drawing it to a peak as I ached for him. My hands found the bottom of his t-shirt and lifted it between us, briefly satisfied by the feel of his firm chest under my finger-tips. Lightly I traced down his chest and along his stomach until at last I found the buttons of his fly. Edward sucked in a quick breath as my fingernails scraped along his swollen dick. I quickly undid him and let his erection spring out into my hands. He was already laying me down as I pumped my fist a few times, loving the feel of him growing even bigger as I did so.**

'**Bella you're going to be the undoing of me.' He whispered as he inched down my trousers and slid one finger into my folds. I knew how wet I was by the damp panties between my thighs. Edward rubbed the heel of his palm against my clit and I saw stars. I needed to have him now.**

'**Edward please?' His kisses were getting hotter and more urgent and his solid cock was straining against my thigh**

'**Tell me what you want' **

'**I want you to make love to me.'**

**Edward made a noise somewhere between pleasure and pain. He withdrew his hand and thrust himself inside me in one smooth motion. My head was reeling from the sudden intensity of being filled so completely, and I gripped at his buttocks, wrapping my legs around him and driving him deeper.**

**Edward's mouth found mine again and he lifted me to him, one arm under my head, gathering me close as he found an easy rhythm. The pressure intensified as he changed the angle of his hips and began hitting that oh so sweet spot. I cried out his name, feeling my climax building at an alarming rate. Edward's thrusts grew wilder and frantic and I knew he was close too. I couldn't think straight as a heady rush blurred my vision. My stomach was tightening and my nerve endings were on fire, with every thrust Edward was bringing me closer and closer until I couldn't hold on any longer.**

**Our eyes met and I shattered into a million pieces beneath him, my hands digging into his firm ass as wave after wave claimed me and pulled me under. Edward came hard almost immediately and I was vaguely aware of him calling my name as he plunged into me, riding out his own pleasure and prolonging mine.**

**I wasn't entirely sure if it was the happy high or the intense after effects of an earth shattering orgasm, but somewhere in my fuzzy consciousness I knew I belonged to Edward.**

**Edward**

**She looked so beautiful standing in the middle of the meadow, her hair shimmering golden as she faced the hot afternoon sun, exposing her neck as she drank it all in. Earlier she had looked lost, fearful of asking for help and yet down-right petrified when help was offered. I had yet to work out what she was thinking in those moments, but right now, even a blind man could sense her contentment.**

**Her face turned to mine and I panicked. 'Do you like it here?' I asked her, the first thing that popped in my head. I didn't mean to stare at her. I wanted her to enjoy it, take it in, to be herself.**

**She came to me then and kissed me slowly, her breath sweet and her lips sweeter. I could drown in those kisses. My hand held her close, not ready to end this just yet.**

'**I love it.' she whispered. I knew she would.**

'**Good. But are you hungry?'**

**Her answer was pure and simple, and I was too caught up in her and her perfect breasts to worry about dinner going cold. My dick was throbbing so hard against my jeans I thought I might burst a seam, but when she released me into her small soft hands it was all I could do not to spill my seed into her palms. Her hot little body was writhing all over me so I lay her down, she was already slick with her arousal and I could only sigh with relief when she begged me to make love to her. I couldn't control the desperate urge to be inside her any longer. She seemed to feel the same as she clung to me and made those hot little noises she makes when she's close.**

**I love that Bella is so uninhibited during sex, she doesn't put on an act its all natural and its sexy as hell. This gorgeous creature wants me as much I want her and the thrill from that knowledge heightens my desire, and she looks so beautiful, and so delicate, and so seductive I have a hard time making this last all of thirty seconds. **

**I can feel her body winding up at the same time as my balls begin to tighten and I'm driving my cock faster and deeper as I feel the pressure intensify. The expression on her face is one I wish I could keep with me forever, she opens her eyes and I am hers. She's crying my name, and her body convulses. Her fingernails dig into my buttocks and I explode inside her, taking my breath away as I call out her name over and over again. **

**I eventually collapse on top of her and roll us so that she is tucked into my side. I gently stroke her back while she gets her breathing back, and wait.**

**If sex with Bella keeps on getting better like this then I might have to just give up work.**

**Bella opens her eyes and lets out a soft moan, her teeth catching her bottom lip. I lean forward and lick along her lip with my tongue and watch as her pupils dilate with lust again. She's so responsive it thrills and unnerves me at the same time.**

**Bella looks pensive for a second.**

'**Yep. I think I'm hungry now.'**

**I tickle her ribs until she's squirming and has managed to work her way on top of me. To no-ones surprise I'm hard again and Bella slips easily onto my shaft as I buck my hips into her. She pretends to be shocked and clamps her thighs tight, so I rub my finger in light little circles on her clit until she moans and starts rocking on me. Her pussy is doing wonderful things to me as my fingers work their magic, all that clenching and writhing is milking my cock and making my balls ache for release. Bella comes fiercely and she takes me with her, everything else is drowned out, its just me and her.**

**Bella climbs off me with a smile of satisfaction that does something to my brain. **

**We dress quickly and I start heaping food onto a plate. Bella reaches for it but I hold it just out of reach so that she has to lean closer. When she does I whisper in her ear just how gorgeous I think she really is. Her cheeks flush pink as she sits back down and stares at me with a grin on her face. Like I said, responsive.**

**Issy starts whimpering and I haul her out before she scares off all the wildlife. Bella has already got the bottle warmer out of the bag and hands me the bottle and a rag. I settle Issy on my thigh to feed her and as the three of us eat and chat and laugh it feels like the most natural thing in the world.**

**Later we pack up the picnic and head back to the car. We walk lazily, swinging hands and occasionally stopping to make out like teenagers.**

'**Bella…' **

**My phone vibrates suddenly in my pocket. I ignore it but Bella's phone beeps a second later. We must have been out of signal in the meadow.**

**Bella checks her phone.**

'**It's a voicemail, sorry Edward.'**

'**No it's fine I think I got one too.'**

**Bella listens to her phone and a dark blush creeps across her cheeks.**

'**What is it?' I ask fishing my own phone out.**

'**We better go.' She turns on her heel and heads towards the car.**

**I hit speed dial on my phone and wait for the message. Alice's voice fills the silence.**

'**Edward you better not be corrupting my best friend! Rosalie's contractions are starting we'll meet you at the hospital.'**


	18. Chapter 18

Bella

Oh god she knows.

Alice message runs back through my head on a constant replay of terror.

'Isobella Swan, stop messing around with my brother and get your ass to the hospital!'

I know my face is pale and Edward's isn't looking much better. He barely looks at me as I strap myself in and wait for him to put Issy in her chair.

The evening sun has dipped behind a mountain and now there is a definite chill in the air. I wrap my arms around myself as Edward throws me a blanket. The one we just made love on. I just stare at it trying to remember exactly what we've got to hide?

Edward climbs in the drivers seat, starts the engine, and begins backing out onto the main road. His face is stony.

'Alice..' I start but he cuts me off sharply.

'It's fine Bella. We'll tell her we just bumped into each other, or that you had a session booked with me at the clinic. She won't ask questions about that.'

Edward's knuckles turn white against the steering wheel and a familiar churning starts in my stomach. Why is he angry with me?

'Ok.' I reply and Edward all but growls.

Does it mean that much to him to keep us a secret from his family?

I stare out of the window into the darkness. It's gotten dark quick and the only thing I can see is headlights in the distance.

The tension in the car is unbearable. Why does this feel so familiar?

Suddenly Edward explodes. 'It's really ok Bella, I get it I really fucking do. Don't think you're the first woman to walk away from me! You want to go, go. I wont stop you!'

My head snaps back and I reel from the shock of those words. I've heard them before.

'_You want to go Bella? I wont stop you.'_

There's an unsettling feeling in the pit of my stomach and I'm starting to feel queasy. 'Edward please stop.' But he's still shouting.

'No Bells, why wont you talk to me? What do I have to do?'

My vision starts spinning and the headlights are getting closer. Images flash in my mind and my heart is beating dangerously fast.

'She was wrong. I'm not useless Bella!'

Edward's words make no sense as I flash from the present into another dark night, with heated words and flashing lights, and it all comes back to me. We were fighting, Jacob and I. We'd had a fight, I told him I didn't love him anymore. My heart contracts painfully and I clutch hold of my chest as tight as I can.

'Bella?'

Edward's voice cuts through the hurt briefly, but just as quickly, I'm back in the car and it's Jacob sat next me. We are whispering, trying not to wake my parents, and the headlights are approaching us fast. I'm trying to explain, but Jake is angry and hurting and his face is a picture of haunting, and then its too late. I did this.

'Bella? Are you ok?'

Panic grips me as the flashback vanishes and I'm caught in a re-run except it's Edward and Issy, not Jake and my parents. It's so bright, and every nerve in my body is screaming with the apprehension of what is about to happen. My voice is stuck in my throat and once again I can't say what I need to. The moment has stretched too long and the horn of the truck blares loudly. I can't breathe.

The car swerves, lights flash past us and it's dark once again.

'Edward I think I'm gonna be sick.'

The car stops and I fumble for the handle. My whole body is shaking and I can feel the bile in the back of my throat. The door flings open just as my stomach contracts, and he's holding my hair and making soothing noises as I vomit into the darkness at the side of the road.

With shaky legs I sit down on the floor, the cool ground a relief against my feverish body. Edward disappears for a moment and then returns with a bottle of water. I smile gratefully and rinse out my mouth. My hands are still shaking.

'Are you ok?'

Edward's watching me from a distance, wary as if I might detonate at any moment.

It's too much and I let the agonizing grief swallow me, as I sob helplessly.

'It was my fault.' I whisper through the tears. 'We were fighting, just like tonight. I thought it was going to happen again.'

Edward is suddenly hauling me up and gripping tightly to me, burying his head in my hair. I have no strength left and I let him hold me, my legs grateful for the assistance.

'I'm so sorry Bella. I'm a fucking idiot. I shouldn't have shouted at you.' His voice seems to crack as he utters his next words. 'Please don't go, I didn't mean it.'

My phone rings in my pocket. It's Alice. Edward sniffs and takes the phone from me and answers it.

'Yeah I'm with Bella. She's a bit upset. Sure, ok. See you then.'

He wipes my sodden face with his thumbs and kisses my cheek. 'Come on I'm taking you home.'

'What about Rosalie?'

'Midwife said it could be hours, Emmett will keep us updated.'

'And Alice?' I notice the frown tug at his features.

'She was just concerned about you.'

I nod and climb back in the car. Edward makes small talk to distract me and it must be working because before I know it, we're pulling into the Cullen's driveway.

'My car is at the hospital.'

'I know.'

Edward gets out and removes Issy. She's been so quiet this whole time. I follow Edward to the front door as Alice's car pulls in beside Edward's. She leaps out and runs towards us.

'Bella? Is everything ok?' She pulls me into a bear hug and I notice Edward look away. 'Come on lets go upstairs.' She marches me through the door and then stops and turns back. 'Thank you for looking after her Edward, it means a lot.'

His face is a mixture of relief and disappointment and I cant figure out why, but then Alice is pulling me away and Edward disappears.

I tell her I need to sleep, and it's true I feel exhausted. She smiles sympathetically and throws me a pair of silk pyjamas.

'I'll be with downstairs if you need anything.'

Edward

I watch as Alice and Bella disappear up the stairs. Bella would be fine. I was sure Alice didn't suspect a thing.

I wasn't sure why I let this bother me so much. We both knew this wasn't something our family would be happy about so why did I feel the urge to tell them at every given opportunity? I wanted Bella to be my girl. I wanted there to be nothing wrong with that. Unfortunately, Bella's reaction to Alice voicemail left no doubt in my mind that she hated the thought of them knowing and so I would have to deal with that.

Issy is still fast asleep as I slowly climb the stairs. How on earth did she sleep through that? Bella was screaming so loud I could barely hear the truck's horn and by the time I realised why, it was almost too late. I could have killed us all.

I hug Issy tighter to my chest. Just the thought of losing her now is unbearable.

She squirms as I move her from one shoulder to the other. Man she's hot. Must be all those layers. A smile creeps across my lips. Edward the protective father, who'd have fucking thought.

I strip her down to her vest and she starts whimpering, so I put her back on my shoulder, her favourite spot of late. But she's antsy and twists in my grip.

I figure she's probably hungry again. The girl is drinking milk like no-ones business. Another growth spurt Esme assures me.

We go down to the kitchen and I hand her to her favourite Auntie.

'How's Bella?'

'Sleeping.' Alice replies, jostling Issy over one arm and rubbing her back. This only seems to piss her off more and her moaning turns into full blown crying within seconds.

'It's ok little girl I'm going as fast as I can.' I shove the bottle in the pan of water on the cooker. Esme showed me it was better this way so the milk gets warmed evenly. 'How's Rosalie?'

Alice snorted. 'Well….poor Em has been sworn at in Spanish, French, Portuguese and Italian, and that was just on the way to the hospital.'

I took the screaming infant back and picked up the bottle, frowning in commiseration for Emmett's, bound to be hellish, evening. 'I don't envy him at all.'

Alice smiled sympathetically at me, 'You're doing a great job Edward.'

I was about to open my mouth to say otherwise, when the phone in the hall rang.

'I'll get it.' Alice yelled, pushing herself away from the counter and landing a quick kiss on Issy's head.

'Oh she's all hot Edward, really worked herself up huh?' She stands there for a second as if she's going to say more, but the phone is still ringing and she makes a break for the door.

I figure it's Emmett with an update and I really need to get this little one fed.

Bella

I slip into a fitful slumber. Edward and Jacob fight for my subconscious attention, each one I have so much I need to say, so much to apologise for. My heart aches and my mind is filled with all the wrong words. Jacob's face is clearly etched onto my brain, along with all the misery and the pain I caused right before he died.

I didn't love him. How could I have blocked that out? He never told me, all this time, he never said a thing about it. Does he remember too? My mind is grasping at answers, trying to make sense of it all, but all I can remember is the good times. The fun, the laughter. Us.

Jacob comes to me then, and although I know I am dreaming, it feels so real.

He's still smiling and guilt stabs me hard in the stomach.

'I'm so sorry Jacob.'

'What for babe?'

'I don't know what happened but I know what I said.'

His smile never falters.'Good girl.'

'What do you mean? What happened between us Jake? Is that why you're here now? Some kind of revenge?'

'Bella.' He looks almost hurt but the smile returns, bright as ever. 'I can't tell you now, you need to figure this out for yourself. You're smart girl Bells, it won't be long.'

I opened my mouth but he was gone, in his place was Edward's face. I feel as if a calmness has washed over me. I open my eyes and he's there sitting on the end of the bed.

'Bella I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wake you. It's Issy, she wont let me near her again. You're the only one who can soothe her when she gets like this.'

I can hear the panic in his voice and I reach out to him, wrapping my fingers around his silky hair and breathing in his unique Edward scent. I didn't realise how much I missed him.

'It's ok Edward I'll come with you.'

I throw on the hoodie Edward is holding and revel in his smell surrounding me. As soon as he opens Alice's door I can hear her screams. She's more distressed than I've ever heard her.

I run up the stairs, desperate to get to her and calm her down. It seemed like Edward was really getting on well with her and I wonder if us shouting earlier has caused her to revert back to her nervousness around him, or maybe his nervousness around her.

'Tell me everything.' I call to Edward as we finally reach her room.

'She was sleeping, she started moaning when I undressed her, she refused her feed and now this. Fuck what do I do Bella? I thought we were over this.'

I reach down to Issy and haul her out of her crib. She is scalding to the touch, her face is bright red and her eyes are screwed up tight.

'Turn off the light ok? It's not your fault, we may have to get her to the hospital.'

I strip her completely and start examining her clammy skin in the dim light from the hallway. Edward is hovering and I'm about to tell him she'll be ok when she vomits all over my hands.

'Bella?'

'Can you get a bag together for her Edward we need to go now.'

I run to the bathroom and rinse us both under the shower. Then I wrap her in a towel and hold her close, blocking out as much of the light as I can. She's floppy as a rag doll and her breathing is fast but as long as she's crying out like she is, I'm not panicking too much.

Edward is in the car already as I run past the kitchen. Alice is stood at the door.

'Bella what's going on? Edward is as white as a sheet and wouldn't even look at me.'

'It's Issy, I think she has meningitis.'


	19. Chapter 19 part 1

Edward

**I couldn't look at her the whole way in the car. I just drove, concentrating on getting us there in one piece.**

**Her cries never stopped and it broke my heart knowing she was in pain and I'd never realised. I just thought she didn't want me anymore.**

**We pulled into the ER section of the carpark and Bella was out of the door. By the time I'd caught up with her, they were ushering her into a room. Bella turned to me, and before she could mask the fear clearly written all over her face I saw my baby, my little girl, being lifted by a doctor, completely lifeless. Her cries had stopped, was she even breathing? I had to get to her.**

**Bella stopped me at the door. 'Edward I know how bad this looks but you need to trust us.'**

**I looked past her but all I could see were bodies crowding around her tiny frame.**

'**What's going on, Bella tell me!' I shocked myself with my anger, but I felt so frustrated and I couldn't stand back and watch her fight for her life again. **

**Bella didn't even flinch. She stepped outside the room and pulled me with her.**

'**It's suspected meningitis. She needs antibiotics quickly. She's not doing so well breathing on her own ok? The doctors are doing their very best Edward…'**

**I stopped her words, I didn't need to hear them and neither did the little girl in that room, struggling to stay in a world that had already been so cruel to her. I knew how this could go, I didn't want it spelled out.**

'**I need to find Carlisle, can you stay here? If they move her tell them to page Dr Swan.'**

**For some reason her words took me back, **_**Dr Swan**_**, this was Bella, this was what she was good at. She was my glow, if anyone could, Bella would get us through this.**

**Bella**

I left Edwardstanding in the middle of the ER like a frightened lost boy. That little girl was his whole life and I hadn't a clue what would happen to him if she didn't pull through this. The very thought churned my insides, but I had to hold it together, I was a doctor, I could deal with this.

'Are you ready Bells?'

I jumped at least a foot in the air as Jacob spoke in my ear. Covertly, I looked around me to make sure no-one had seen that, can't have people thinking I was losing it, even I should be declared clinically insane.

'What are you doing here? You cant be here.'

'Sure I can Bella, tonight's the night.'

I stopped dead and looked him straight in the eye.

'What do you mean?' Jacob's attitude was really starting to freak me out.

'You'll see soon enough.'

This was bullshit, I had really important things to be doing, not playing stupid games with dead people.

I reached the desk and asked for them to page Dr Cullen, but they told me he had given strict instruction not to be paged tonight. Of course he would.

'Well do you know what room Rosalie Cullen is in please?'

'Antenatal assessment, room 14.'

Suddenly my pager started beeping. I took a look at the number and my heart dropped.

**Edward**

'Where the hell are you taking her?'

'Sir I'm going to have to ask you to calm down please.'

Calm down? Seriously? They had just rushed my little girl off into god knows where and I was supposed to calm down? Where the fuck was Bella?

'Edward.' Her little hand cupped my cheek and a flood of relief engulfed me. I couldn't do this on my own. I held her hand there and inhaled her calming scent.

'Bella she's gone and they wouldn't let me follow them and I don't know what's going on.'

'It's ok they paged me. They've taken her for an emergency lumbar puncture, it will tell us if its bacterial.'

'And then?'

'Then she'll go to paediatric intensive care unit. We can see her there.'

'So I can't be with her now?'

She shook her head sadly. 'I'm sorry Edward.'

'I'll page you when she's done Dr Swan.'

Bella spoke with the nurse as my head swam. They hadn't actually said she was fine. I hated the thought of not being there for her.

Bella appeared at my side again and stroked my arm. 'Edward, we need to find Carlisle.'

I followed Bella like a nervous wreck. My hands were shaking so hard I didn't know what to do with them and I had so much nervous energy I felt like I might explode any second.

'Are you ok?' Bella asked uncertainly.

No.

'Yeah. Look Bella is there somewhere private we can go, I just need a minute.'

'Sure.'

She pulled me into an empty on-call room and locked the door. I gratefully sat on one of the beds and let my head sink into my hands. As soon as I did it was like someone had turned on a tap.

**Bella**

I watched him as he sat motionless on the bed and wondered what I should say that wouldn't sound corny or contrived. It all sounded hella lame in my head. That's when I realised he was crying.

I knelt on the floor in front of Edward and pulled his head to my chest. His hands gripped my shoulders as he let it all out. Gently I kissed his hair.

'It's ok I'm here.'

Edward lifted his head and stared into my eyes. His eyes were dark with emotion and his face held all his fear and worry of the last few hours. I couldn't help it, he looked like he needed salvation. Gently I lowered my lips to brush against his, and he tasted of salt and despair, but he kissed me back, then without warning he thrust his tongue into my mouth and grasped the back of my head. His mouth was hungry on mine and his tears smeared across my cheeks.

'Bella please.' He whispered against me, and I knew he needed to feel something other than the pain that was engulfing him right now.

I lifted his hoody off me in response and it was like a trigger. His mouth was back on me in a second and he was tearing at my pyjama bottoms, his hands rubbing my body into submission. He licked and nipped my neck until he reached my nipples, already swollen into stiff peaks, and teased them further until I was crying out loud. I removed his t-shirt with one hand and tried to undo his belt with the other, but he got frustrated with my fumbling fingers and tore at the buckle, ripping the leather. I shoved down his jeans and boxers, finding his hot silky skin sliding between my palms. Edward grabbed my ass and lifted me to his waist. His fingers dove between my thighs and he groaned at how wet I was for him. His mouth claimed mine once more as he slid my thighs around his hips and slowly lowered me onto his cock.

'I love you Bella.' He murmured.

My heart skipped a beat, did he really just say that? Before I could respond, the most mind-blowing sensation wracked through my body. Edward began thrusting upwards, holding my hips steady and rubbing little circles across my sensitive flesh. He was kissing me deeply and clutching my body to his as if he never wanted to let me go.

I severely hoped that was the case.

**Edward**

Bella's legs were wrapped so tight around my waist I thought for minute I might have died and gone to heaven already. I didn't mean to attack her like that but once I started kissing her there was no turning back, I needed to feel her skin against mine, her hands on my cock, her legs around my waist. She was perfect and I wanted a bit of that perfection if only for a few minutes.

I wanted so badly to be joined to her and when I finally felt her slide over me it was as if everything made sense once again.

'I love you Bella.' Perhaps it wasn't the most romantic of situations, maybe I should have waited for the candlelight dinner or the trip to Paris, but in my experience if you wait too long for something, life fucks you over. It's do or die, my friend. You need to grab at opportunities, not let them pass you by.

I figured Bella wasn't too upset by the whole thing as she was smiling as wide as a Cheshire cat and that made my heart swell, along with other parts of me that had a bigger control over my functions. My thumb reached down and started rubbing her just like I knew she would fucking love, and I thrust upwards, hoping to hit her extremely responsive spot. Her head flew back and I got what I wanted as her body started to tremble and I knew she was fucking close. Come for me Bella, I thought as she hit that wall and wave after explosive wave ripped through her. I couldn't savour it for long as her body was milking me for I was worth and I exploded into her with one last powerful thrust.

I clung to her as we both rode out the frenzy, kissing her with a passion I never thought possible. God I was crazy about this woman, and if I had my way, I wouldn't ever let her leave.

**Bella**

We dressed quickly, Edward discarding his now ruined belt and smirking at the fact I still had to wear Alice's PJ's. He was beyond affectionate, not letting go of me for a second as we dressed each other, but I could sense the fear creeping back in as reality loomed.

'Nothing on your pager?' He asked me, and I shook my head. No news was probably good news in this place.

'Do you want to go see how Rose is doing?'

To my surprise Edward smiled back. I wasn't sure if seeing her in labour would bring back painful memories for him but we did need to get to Carlisle.

We left the on-call room and took the elevator. I was excited to see if there was a new mommy there or just a grumpy Rosalie shouting at Emmett in a foreign language. I bet on the latter.

'I wonder if Emmett has cracked yet?' Edward said, mimicking my thoughts.

I kissed his cheek quickly and then heard and felt the rush of people coming down the corridor. I pulled Edward to one side in preparation, knowing oh so well how annoying it is when patient visitors stand in the hallway and you need to get to surgery asap.

As soon as they came into view I thought I recognised the person lying on the bed, but I couldn't place her, and just like that, they swished past in a blur of surgical gowns.

We continued down the hall and turned the corner into Rosalie's room.

'Bella?' Emmett was just standing there looking like he might cry or kill someone. Then I knew, it was Rosalie on the bed.

'Oh my god what happened?'

Emmett stepped towards us and stopped, his movements were awkward and disjointed. Like he doesn't know what to do with himself, I thought.

'I dunno, oh god. She was fine and shouting at me to get the fuck out of her office, and then bam things start beeping all out of control and god I didn't know what to do. People started running in and talking about surgery and then she was gone. I didn't even tell her how much I loved her. Shit Bella what do I do?' Emmett's face turned thunderous, he dropped to his knees and threw his hands in the air. 'Don't take her away from me, don't you fucking take her away from me!'

Carlisle came into the room and went to his son, gripping him as he wept.

I couldn't think straight, surely this wasn't happening?

I felt Edward grab my hand roughly. He wasn't looking at me, but at the scene in front of us and his expression wore the pain and suffering he was unable to define. I pushed down my own recollection of this scene, but even still I recognised that Emmett's anguish was mirrored in our own eyes. I didn't know what to say or what to do, so I just stood and held his hand just as tight, praying to a god who had taken from us both before.

**Edward**

My stomach hit the floor. Not again, not tonight. I didn't think I could deal with anymore heartache tonight.

I watched Carlisle attempt to comfort his son and it brought back that awful night he had done the same to me. Except I had been glad she was gone. Rosalie was Emmett's life.

All of a sudden I felt the room spin and my legs wobble. I needed something to ground me. I reached out my hand and grasped hold of Bella's. The nausea passed as she gripped me back tight. But there was something not right. Her back was ram-rod straight and her eyes betrayed the calm exterior her face presented to the world. She was crumbling inside.

Carlisle persuaded Emmett to get up and we followed them both to a waiting room, but Bella stopped at the door.

'I'll be there in just a second.' she whispered to me and disappeared before I could ask where she was going.

I followed Carlisle into the room. He sat Emmett down and placed a plastic cup of black liquid into his hands. He stared into depths of the cup like a broken man and I wished I knew what to say to him.

I followed Carlisle as he went to pour another drink across the room. He heard me approach but didn't look up.

'They're performing an emergency caesarean, right now. My guess is that her placenta separated from her uterus and caused a haemorrhage. There's good surgeons in this hospital.'

I wasn't sure who he was trying to convince.

'I know, look Carlisle we need to get back, Issy is in intensive care. They think she has Meningitis.'

Carlisle swung towards me and looked me straight in the eye, then banged his head against the machine and swore loudly. His hand grabbed my shoulder as a sign of solidarity. We were all in this together.

'Right of course. I'll keep you posted.'

Bella came into the room and sat down beside Emmett, she didn't look so good.

'Bella you have your pager right?'

Nothing.

Bella was staring at the wall.

'Bella honey are you ok?'

She shook her head and looked up at us in a daze, and then the noise I had dreaded and wished for all evening started.

**Bella**

My pager went off and I grabbed it off my pants. It was Issy she was on her way to PICU.

'Edward we have to go now. Carlisle you'll page me?'

Carlisle frowned at me but nodded and I knew he wanted to ask me something but right now I couldn't answer him.

Jacob had been waiting when I left Edward and right then I wanted to punch him in the face.

'What the fuck is going on Jake?' I demanded. 'Tonight's the night? What do you know? Is it Issy? Rosalie? I know you know something.'

'Aw Bella Bella, don't get so worked up.'

'Fuck you Jacob there are people's lives on the line here, why are you here?'

'I already told you, I'm here for you Bella.'

'What does that even mean Jake?'

'Come on Dr Swan, work it out.'

I stared at him and realised I didn't know this Jacob at all

'I'm through playing games Jake.' I said as convincingly as I could and walked back to the waiting room.

**Edward**

Bella seemed preoccupied as we took the elevator to the unit. We got there just as Issy was being brought in.

The doctor spoke to Bella whilst I stared at my precious little girl. I knew Bella would tell me everything later. She looked awful. A tube was down her throat and one of the nurses was using a bag to breathe for her. I had a sudden flashback of her tiny body being wheeled away from me not that long ago. It didn't seem fair she was having to go through this again.

'Issy I wont leave you this time I promise.' I hoped to hell she could hear me.

Bella came over and the nurses led the way. Bella instinctively took my hand again.

'She's ok Edward, she's not out of the woods but they'll start antibiotics now and she'll need to be on a ventilator to help her breathe. We wont know the results for a short while but it's strongly suspected meningitis and they'll start her anyway. We did a good job getting her here.'

I looked at the unassuming butterfly that floated next to me and wondered if she knew how much I loved her right then. I knew I could never be enough for her. She was brave and gutsy and entirely composed at the same time, and she'd said _we. _I loved that she considered herself part of us now. She'd held my hand and ridden out the storm with me, and showed no signs of walking away any time soon. I would do the same for her.

Issy was taken into a room and set up in her new cot. She was probably more at home in one of those boxes than anyone would want to be.

I waited outside with Bella. She was quiet, letting me have my thoughts but sitting close enough to let me know she was there.

'How did this happen? What did I do wrong?'

Bella's face softened and I thought I saw her eyes welling up.

'You didn't do anything wrong Edward. It's a bacterial infection. She was premature, her immunity wasn't fully developed. There wasn't anything you could have done.'

The door opened and the nurse signalled for us to come in.

'Mr.. uh?'

'Cullen.' It still felt fucking weird to say that.

'We need you to fill out some paperwork.'

Bella nodded at me. 'It's ok I'll watch her.'

I knew she would. I knew Issy was in the safest hands I could provide for her. If only I could get it to stay that way.

**Bella**

Edward reluctantly left the room and I blew out deeply. My hands started shaking and the tears poured down my cheeks. I felt sick.

Gently, I sat next to her cot with my back to the door and spoke to her.

'Hi baby. You gave me and your daddy quite a fright back there. You're some fighter Issy. Thank you for holding on, I wasn't sure for a minute if we would make it, and I don't know what I would do or say to your father if we didn't. I love you both so much. I just hope I did enough.'

The door opened again and I swiped at my eyes roughly. Edward stood before me. He pulled me up off the chair and completely wrapped himself around me.

'Thank you Bella.' He whispered in my ear as I sobbed into his chest, the shock of what had just happened fully hitting me. I noticed Edward was shaking too and I knew how much it took for him to lose control like this.

We stood there for a long time, listening to each other's breathing and reassuring hisses and beeps of Issy's mechanical life force. With every minute that passed, I felt Edward begin to relax.

Eventually we sat on the chairs next to her, Edward scooting mine as close to his as humanly possible.

Edward suddenly turned to face me.

'God Bella do really think she'll be ok?'

'She's a fighter.' I replied, summoning all my reserves to make my voice sound confident. The percentages for prem babies weren't exactly on our side.

'Like someone else I know.'

Edward's mouth lifted in a kind of half smile. Surely he wasn't talking about me?

'What I said today in the car….'

'Forget it.' I smiled back but I can see Edward isn't going to let it drop.

'No Bella I need you to know I didn't mean it.'

'It's ok Edward, I understand.'

Silence. The beeps fill the air once more and we both concentrate on watching her tiny chest rise and fall.

'Was it another panic attack?'

'A flash back.'

Edward looks pained.

'Did I cause it?'

'No! Well kind of. Actually yeah I think so.'

'Shit Bella, why didn't you say.'

I look pointedly into the cot.

'I told Jacob I didn't love him anymore. That's why we were fighting.'

Edward's eyes search mine but I can't make out his reaction through my blurred vision. Tears roll down my cheeks but Edward holds my gaze.

'And me yelling at you, in the car, at night, with a truck approaching us, brought it all back.'

I nod slowly, sucking on my bottom lip and a giggle escapes.

'Stupid huh?'

'Not at all.'

He pulls my mouth to his and gently presses our lips apart. Our mouths sink together and it's the sweetest feeling in the whole world. His tongue traces my lips and it feels as if I'm floating. It's not a kiss about sex, it's full of feeling and sensuality and belonging. I want to belong to this man.

'Edward you said something, when we were in the car, and I wholeheartedly agree with you. She was wrong, you're pretty damn perfect to me.'


	20. Chapter 19 part 2

**Edward**

It wasn't long before Carlisle found us. He looked down at our joined hands and I thought I saw a tug of a smile on his lips. I didn't care anymore.

'How's she doing?' he asked the same time I enquired about Rosalie. We both didn't know how to respond.

Issy was still unconscious. They'd started IV antibiotics and fluids but it was still very much touch and go. From the limited information Bella was giving me, I knew she was lucky to have made it this far.

'How's Em?' Bella piped up, but from Carlisle's grimace we got the idea.

Alice and Esme had arrived and were sitting with him. What they were really waiting for was some news.

'Dr Montgomery knows to page me for anything. She's the best we have.'

We sat there for a while collecting our thoughts, until Bella excused herself. She squeezed my hand tight and kissed my cheek. When she'd left the room I met Carlisle's gaze expecting the worst.

'I think the shock has got to her.' He said watching Bella's back disappear from view.

'I'll take care of her.'

'I know you will son.' Carlisle said proudly. 'You're a Cullen.'

A mixture of emotions ran through me at those words. Fear that Carlisle was trusting me to look after Bella and not screw up, guilt that Carlisle now knew we'd been hiding whatever this something was between us, and pride that I finally belonged to such a worthy family.

**Bella**

I rounded the corner feeling as if my temples might explode, the nausea was overwhelming and shook me to my core.

Jacob was stood leaning against the wall and smiling excitedly at me.

'What do you want Jacob?' I growled not sure whether to hold my head or my stomach.

'Aw Bella, don't be like that. It's gonna be quick.' He looked towards Issy's room and chuckled.

'You can't have her!' I warned but his smile turned mean.

'Sweet baby, I'm not here for her, I'm here for you. As soon as Edward leaves.'

My stomach lurched and I was so close to emptying it's contents onto the floor that I gagged slightly, my eyes watering and my head swimming. With my last reserves of energy I pushed myself off the wall and staggered back to the room.

Edward was gone.

Carlisle stepped towards me but I swung back to Jacob hysterically.

'What's Edward got to do with this Jake? Is it because I love him and not you?' I screeched hoping to stall whatever was about to happen. Was I going to die?

Jacob's face didn't change as he walked towards me but his voice betrayed his features.

'Surely you didn't think you could replace me that easily did you sugar plum?'

'Bella?' Carlisle's voice broke through the madness. A loud piercing sound stabbed into my skull as Carlisle reached for the belt on his jeans. He pulled out his pager. 'Shit, I have to go. Bella stay here, don't go anywhere Edward will be right back.'

To my horror I watched him walk out of the door and we were suddenly alone. There was no-where to run.

The pounding in my head suddenly increased to excruciating levels and Jacob advanced on me in a heartbeat.

'Isn't this what you wanted Bells?' He asked with more than a hint of sarcasm. 'Just you and me'

I froze in the corner of the room. Yes I had asked for this many times, but I was sick back then and Edward had helped me to get better. I was better because of him. Suddenly I had to get to him, I knew my life depended on it.

I willed my body to obey me but as soon as I gathered enough strength to step forwards I collapsed to the floor This was it Jacob had won. It felt as my head was about to explode and I threw up violently gasping for breath between every purge. My body was giving up on me and I could feel my very existence fading. My head lifted in time to see Edward running towards the room and it was as if everything moved into slow motion.

Jacob was close, I could sense him, but I couldn't physically compete with him anymore, he'd drained me of my fight and I felt completely helpless as I watched Jacob's hand reach out for me.

Issy's monitors crashed, the door flew open and my world dissolved into darkness.

**Edward**

I had to take a leak, so left Carlisle watching Issy. Standing in the toilets I realised I couldn't let Bella walk away from me, for once in my life I felt as if I had to do something to make it right, to make her stay.

If we ever got out of this mess, I would take her to Hawaii and ask her to marry me on the beach. It was corny and unoriginal but I had a feeling it would be the perfect place for Bella. I didn't know what would happen after this but I did know that whatever it was, I wanted it to be with her and Issy and my new family.

A tall guy came into the urinal and as the door swung behind him, I heard her unmistakable voice screaming my name. Shit.

I raced out of there, doing up my jeans as I went, and bumped straight into Carlisle.

'Where's Bella?'

His face was drained of colour and I immediately assumed the worst. I could see her stood in the corner of the room, clutching her head and looking absolutely terrified. Oh damn it, Issy.

I ran towards them, my heart in my throat as I watched Bella collapse onto the floor heaving. What the hell was going on?

My hand eventually reached the door and I pushed hard just as the monitors attached to my baby started wailing and Bella's body started convulsing.

Running on adrenaline I mashed the alarm button with my fist and tried to move the chairs and stuff that was around Bella. What felt like hundreds of people charged into the room, some working on Issy and some tending to Bella. I sat back on my haunches and breathed deeply, and repeated one thing.

'Please be ok, please be ok, please be ok..'

**Bella**

For some reason it felt like I was on a rollercoaster. I could feel the wind on my face and the motion in my body. I struggled to open my eyes, I wanted to see.

Edward's face swam before me and I closed them tightly again. What was going on? When I opened them he was still there.

'Bella.' Edward looked a mess. He was crying and he looked pale, and I could feel myself fading again. My eyelids started to flicker.

'No Bella stay with me.' Edward pleaded. How could I say no to someone with such lovely eyes.

'I think I might be dying Edward.' I mouthed croakily.

**Edward**

Bella was awake, I wanted to tell one of the guys working on her but at the same time I didn't want her to be scared. She already thought this was the end.

'Bella, please stay with me. You're the hardest thing I've ever had to face saying goodbye to.'

Her eyes narrowed and her lips parted as if she was going to ask me something but I stopped her.

'Would you marry me if I asked you?' I said my voice shaking so much I didn't even recognise it.

'Are you asking?'

I could only nod, I was so petrified this would be the last time I spoke to her. Her eyelashes fluttered against her cheeks and my heart stopped beating.

'Don't you dare die Isobella Swan!' I yelled at her, gathering her body as close as I could. 'We all need you.'

People poured into her room and I'd seen this enough times on t.v to know it was make or break time. I couldn't watch, yet at the same time I couldn't walk away from her.

'Come on fight for me Bella.' I whispered into her hair. Both my girls were leaving me and I had no choice in the matter but sit back and wait.

Someone once said to me, 'Sometimes you're the windshield and sometimes you're the bug.' I was sure as hell we didn't have any bugs in this room.

'I'm gonna need you to stand back sir.'

**Bella**

The constant beeping seeped into the black hole I was currently residing. Where was I, heaven or hell? And where was Jacob?

My head was pounding and my mouth was really dry. I tried to swallow but there was something solid stopping me. I gagged as I felt it being removed. Maybe this wasn't heaven, this felt an awful lot like theatre recovery.

'She's coming round now it wont be long.'

Finally the weights lifted from my eyes and I blinked rapidly at the bright lights surrounding him. I thought that maybe he was my angel after all.

'Bella.' He breathed and kissed my cheek. It was like coming home. Home.

'What about Issy? Rosalie?' I felt panic at the edges of my drug induced stupor.

'Issy is fine, she's reacting well to the antibiotics, and Rosalie has a healthy baby boy called Eddison, she's also fine. They're all recovering well.'

I relaxed against the pillows again, everything was going to be alright.

'Edward why am I here?' He chuckled at me and scooted closer to the bed.

'Well how much do you remember Bella?'

'Not much.' I admitted, and noticed the hurt flash across his perfect face.

**Edward**

She didn't remember. I had asked her to marry me and she didn't remember. Sure there were other things going on at the time, but I'd have thought that was a pretty big one.

I tried to hide my disappointment and explained what Carlisle had told me as best I could.

'You had an aneurysm.'

Bella looked shocked. 'Really?'

'Yeah, they think it's been growing since your crash. The swelling caused pressure on your brain probably causing the panic attacks and hallucinations.' I let her react to this for one moment.

'Hallucinations? Oh….right…..'

'It ruptured when you were in Issy's room. You went into a seizure, they didn't think you would stop, it was fucking scary Bella.'

She held my hand and I watched her face, letting it all sink in.

'So they operated on me huh?'

I smiled down at her, she was one fearless lady. 'Yeah and I get to live at the hospital between you and Issy.'

I started tucking her in, I didn't have a clue what I was doing but I'd seen people tucking in sheets before and to be honest I was stalling for time. For some reason I had this stupid idea that she would wake up and profess her love for me and we'd go off get married, have babies and live happily ever after. Will I ever learn my fucking lesson?

'Oh well tis a husband's duty after all.'

I froze as I leaned over her. 'What did you say?'

'Oh you didn't just ask me because you thought I was gonna die did you, cause that's real embarrassing now I'm still alive don't you think?'

'Shut up Bella.' I told her as my lips touched hers. My cheeks hurt from smiling so widely. 'I saw you nod.'

'It was a twitch.'

**Bella**

'Holy match-imony! are you two enjoying yourselves?'

'Hey Emmett.'

He was wheeling a tired looking Rosalie into my room.

'I heard you had major brain surgery or something?' He asked as kissed my cheek. Rosalie wheeled herself forward and passed me the baby as Emmett yelped in pain. 'That was my toe Rose!'

She smiled sweetly at me. 'Aw shame, do you want me to call you a whaaa-mublance?'

Esme and Carlisle stopped in amidst lots of tears and cooing over Eddi.

Carlisle sat on my bed and couldn't stop himself from giving me a quick examination.

'Ok Miss Swan how are you feeling.' He leant in to whisper 'You're allowed to go all out on this one.'

I smiled back shyly. 'The patient is fine, only a small nick to the head, nothing to be worried about.'

'That's my girl.'

I needed to know something before everyone turned their attentions back to me. 'Carlisle the hallucinations…'

'They were a side effect Bella. The trauma you suffered probably contributed to your visions. I can have a therapist come and see you for a chat?'

I looked at Edward and shook my head. 'No, don't worry, I think I'll be ok.'

Alice and Jasper were last to arrive. Jas was wearing a t-shirt that read

_What if the hokey cokey is really what it's all about?_

'Thought provoking.' Edward commented, and I swear Jasper's face lit up.

'Really? I brought one for you Bells.' He handed me a folded up shirt and brushed his lips across my cheek close to my ear, and under his breath murmured, 'You cant die, you know I'm only with Alice to get closer to you.'

I swatted him playfully as he planted tiny kisses on my face.

'A million girls would kill for that Jasper.' I warned. My t-shirt read

_I had brain surgery, what's your excuse?_

'Oh I love it!' Rosalie exclaimed grabbing it from my hands.

Ah things were back to normal. I smiled up at Edward who was looking at me strangely.

'What is it?' I mouthed frowning. He leant forward to whisper in my ear.

'Suits you.'

He winked at me and I realised he was looking at me holding the baby. My whole body tingled at the thought of making little Edward's with him.

'Soon.' I promised squeezing his hand in mine.


	21. Epilogue

A/N: I never professed to be an excellent writer but I did have a lot of fun writing this story and I hope you enjoyed reading it.

I have the flu but SM has twilight.

Edward

**I watched the powder white surf as it pounded into the bleach-white sand and felt oddly at peace. The last eight months had been one hell of ride, but I wouldn't go back on it. Hell the last year had certainly been one to fucking remember.**

**In a way I knew I had Tanya to thank for a large part of it. The part that was currently fisting handfuls of sand into her mouth and ruining Auntie Alice's hand stitched dress. Alice's words of 'whatever you do don't let her play in the sand.' echoed somewhere deep in the recesses of my mind, but she was happy and I was beyond taking anything away from my little girl that made her happy. Bella often said I was too soft with her, but she'd had a hard start in life and what was wrong with giving her the best. **

**This earned me many 'don't say I told you so' stares from all the women in our family, **

'**Just you wait till she's a teenager.' Rosalie cut in.**

'**Uh-uh spoilt six year olds are a nightmare.' Alice corrected.**

'**Actually, stroppy two year olds are the worst.' Esme added.**

**Ok, so I had it coming to me, but I'd nearly lost her twice, I could put up with anything.**

'**Hey man, when'd you get out of prison?'**

'**Funny. I figured I could give myself today off.' He raised his eyebrows in a way that questioned my sanity and I suppressed a smile. 'Yeah well, we all know who's the boss in your house too.'**

'**Bro I seen the boss's job and I don't want it.'**

**I had to laugh as Emmett took a seat beside me and sat his chunky boy next to Issy. The poor sod was built just like his daddy, and Em was persistently trying to get him to catch a football even though he was only eight months old. It irritated him no end that Eddi was more interested in the dolls Alice bought Issy.**

'**Are you ready Eddie?' He asked me, to which I could only grin inanely, and Emmett pretended to gag.**

**Jasper joined us and pointed at Eddison questioningly. **

'**Alice will be mad.' he warned.**

'**He's a boy Jasper, he aint wearing a frickin dress.'**

**Jasper pretending to zip his mouth shut, unzipping it quickly to whisper out the side of his mouth to me, 'Eddi loved it. God it's so beautiful here.' **

**I secretly agreed with him. It was Esme's island, a gift from Esme and Carlisle, so much better than Hawaii, and it was just as I'd pictured it in my head. Bella was like an excited little girl when we stepped off the boat. 'Oh-em-gee! I love the sea!' she'd squealed in my eardrum. I was going to have to limit the amount of time Alice spent at our house.**

**Emmett was less forgiving. 'Dude what the hell happened to your dick?'**

'**What are you doing to our baby?' Rosalie's voice suddenly reverberated across the sand. Emmett's calm expression vanished and he jumped forwards, gathering his son in his arms.**

'**We're just having a cuddle my sweetness, aren't we little man?'**

**Rosalie appeared next to us and took in the scene.**

'**There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away Emmett.'**

**Jasper and I snorted into our hands as Emmett's face fell. He shot us an evil stare which made us laugh even harder.**

'**Can you try and be useful for once and go help with the flower arranging or something?'**

**Emmett looked at her in disbelief. 'But you know I have an allergy baby.'**

**Rosalie rolled her eyes. 'Do you want to have sex tonight?'**

'**I'm gone, I love flowers! Come on son let me tell you all about lilies.'**

**Rosalie turned to Jasper. 'Can you take Issy for a while, god knows you need the practice.'**

**Jasper grinned and scooped my little girl off the sand. I watched as he bounced her on his hip and she giggled, all doe eyed and pink cheeked. Was there any female on this earth that didn't fall for his charm?**

'**Walk with me Edward?' Rosalie asked but I feared it was less of question and more of a demand. I really felt for Emmett.**

**We walked down to the shoreline and stared out to sea. There was nothing but blue, an endless ocean as far as the eye could see. It was pretty humbling. Emmett's laughter carried over the air and I noticed Rosalie smile to herself, her face a vision of love and happiness. She caught me staring.**

'**They're everything to me. I know I'm mean to Emmett but he's my soul mate.'**

'**Hey someone has to keep him in line.' I said quickly holding my hands up.**

**She chuckled and we kept walking.**

'**Do you swim?' I asked her, not really knowing what to say but trying to avoid any heavy stuff.**

**Her nose wrinkled. 'No. I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot. Listen Edward, they found a tumour, when I was in surgery. It's inoperable.'**

**I didn't know what to say, I just stood there with my mouth hanging and my heart in my boots. **

'**Please be there for Emmett and Eddison, they're gonna need you.'**

**I pulled her to me and closed my eyes, waiting for the ground to swallow me up, but it didn't. I was stronger because of my love for Bella, and because of my family. Rosalie was being strong for her family, and I realised on our own we are weak but together, hell we could cope with anything together.**

**Rosalie let me go with a sad smile, and wiped at her eyes. 'Come on Brother, let's go get you married.'**

**Bella**

'Alice, I need your help!' I pulled the fabric around me as best I could but it was no-where near enough.

'Bella! You've grown again. I only had this taken out last week, it's good job I planned ahead.'

I smiled to myself and sat down on the sofa, knowing my soon to be sister in law would have brought another exact replica of the Ivory and pearl wedding dress she designed for me in a bigger size.

'You can talk,' I shouted to her. 'Your dressmaker told me she had to refit your dress three times already and you're not getting married for another month!'

She returned scowling and we both stood in the mirror holding our swollen stomachs with pride.

'Twins grow quickly, what can I say?'

Alice's shock engagement had come literally days after Jasper had been offered a contract for his band. They designed their own private tour bus, or 'Jalice's Bus of Love' as Jasper refers to it, and Alice happily gave up her internship at the hospital. A few weeks later they found out she expecting twins and Jasper has been practising his daddy skills with Issy and Eddi ever since.

Esme stuck her head around the door as Alice was doing the finishing touches to my hair.

'Five minutes Bella, my god you look absolutely stunning.' She dabbed at her eyes and kissed us both. I didn't know what I would have done without that woman. Every day she worked with me to get my strength back, helped out with Issy, looked after Rosalie and took baby Eddi off her hands so she could rest. She was like the backbone to this family and she didn't miss a beat.

One day in hospital she'd brought me some muffins and trashy magazines and sat on the end of my bed updating me with all the gossip at home. Her next words were unexpected.

'Thank you Bella. You saved Edward. He changed when he met you, and I don't think he would be where he is today if it wasn't for you.'

I opened my mouth to protest. Edward had saved _me_ and I dreaded to think where I would be if it wasn't for him.

'You were meant to be.' She interrupted. 'And don't think I didn't know. Sparks fly Isobella even you are too distracted to see them at the time.'

My eyes started welling again at the recollection of her words and Alice shouted at me to stop ruining her painstakingly awesome eye makeup.

Rosalie burst through the door and started gathering up my train.

'Ready Bells?' she asked me and we all squealed in excitement.

It felt as if I was truly walking in someone else's fairytale until the moment we reached the top of the aisle and I faced my future. The world stopped. Edward and Issy were waiting for me and somewhere along the line it had become _our _fairytale, _our _happy ever after, _our _never ending story except I had a feeling _our _life had had only just begun.


End file.
